The 5 Love Languages May Be a Great Book

I live in the Washington, D.C. metro area. I recently took the Metro to Arlington, Virginia. It was not unlike any other morning on the busy transit system.

The train was crowded with commuters.

I was in my own world.

It’s unlike me.

But my night owl tendencies wage war on my non-morning bird self. I had my AirPods in. I was listening to music when I spotted a German Shepherd boarding the train.

I could see the dog’s face.

It was too late by the time I spotted his blind companion coming toward me.

I jumped out of my seat anyway, as did the woman beside me. The man had already turned sensing the crowd. We were seated by the door. This meant that eight of us were in seats facing one another.

In a moment of thoughtful awareness, every single person stood up. Every single person. Not one individual remained in their own world. Not one individual pretended not to notice.

The man made his way to a seat.

I was taken aback.

Tears filled my eyes.

I’d witnessed a moment of collective love and kindness. A community of commuters who’d decided not to be bystanders. It was beautiful…the collectiveness of the moment.

I had one thought.

It’s not that hard to love.

It’s a thought I’ve often written about.

Three things were present on the train that morning. It’s the reason that not one, but that every single person stood up. Each individual shared three commonalities.

The 5 Love Languages written by Gary Chapman is a great book. I’ve been a relationship columnist for more than a decade. It’s one of my favorite books.

But three things must exist for it to work in a relationship.

And both individuals must possess them.

When I first read The 5 Love Languages I shared it with my then-husband. He had no interest in reading it so I summarized it for him. It didn’t work.

In order for The 5 Love Languages to work in a relationship…

3 Things Must Exist

Respect

There must be respect for a person to care about what make someone feel loved.

Respect must exist for us to feel present, not disregarded.

Respectful people are concerned with what makes the person they love happy. Disrespectful people attempt to talk the people they love out of what will make them happy.

In favor of what they believe ‘should’ make them happy.

You can determine your love language but if the person you’re in love with isn’t respectful enough to respect what makes you feel loved, it won’t happen.

Respect is an aspect of living outside of one’s own self.

Authentic Confidence

Authentically confident individuals allow you to be who you are.

Authentically confident people do not try to talk you out of who you are. They allow you to be who you are. They do not demand you think, act, and believe just as they do.

There is a tolerance for individual differences.

They are open to what worries and concerns you.

They are interested in what makes you happy. Authentically confident people have the ability to feel your pain, celebrate your joy, and see you for who you are, not who they want you to be.

There are many people who project confidence.

There are fewer that are authentically confident.

How do you know the difference?

I always say that authentically confident (respectful) people make you feel good about who you are. People who project confidence (disrespectful) make you feel bad about who you are.

They send a conflicting message: I love you but I don’t like you.

Why? Because they need you to act, think, and believe as they do. It takes an authentically confident person for The 5 Love Languages to be well received in a relationship.

And it takes authentic confidence to step forward when others retreat.

Caring

A person must care for The 5 Love Languages to be successful in a relationship.

Both individuals in a relationship must care.

They must care on some level. If one spouse reads The 5 Love Languages and the other dismisses it, Gary Chapman’s successful theory won’t work in that particular relationship.

It didn’t in my marriage.

I cared, my then-husband did not.

A caring person can’t contain themselves. I know. I come from a long line of first responders. They get involved. They can’t help themselves. They can’t turn a blind eye.

They can’t ignore pain, need, or any cry for help.

I witnessed a moment of collective love and kindness.

It wasn’t random.

I was seated next to multiple individuals who shared three commonalities. They were not bystander quality. They didn’t wait for another to give up their seat so they could remain comfortably in their own.

They were respectful.

They were authentically confident, they stepped forward.

They were caring.

It was beautiful.