What Not To Do After A Breakup?

As you probably know, there are certain things you should not do after a breakup whether you want your ex back or just want to move on. You shouldn’t do anything that hurts you or your ex, shows your ex you have (romantic) expectations of him/her, and makes your ex glad he or she dumped you.

Making your ex feel difficult/unwanted emotions is a big no-no. It will put your ex in an uncomfortable situation he or she doesn’t want to be in and immensely reduce your chances of reconciliation.

If you’re very persistent, it might even bring a negative reaction out of your ex, which will, in turn, affect your self-esteem and make you want your ex back even more.

No matter how hurt, anxious, and desperate you are to be with your ex, some things (mistakes) need to be avoided at all costs. Failing to avoid them could lead to complications that hinder your recovery process and your ex’s happiness and perception of you.

If you stop your ex from being happy, your ex could show you he or she doesn’t care about you anymore and harm your self-love and hope for reconciliation. That could set you back emotionally for weeks if not months.

So if you want to know what not to do after a breakup, learn more about breakup dynamics. This includes things your ex needs from you and things he or she doesn’t need now that the relationship is over.

You must do your best to familiarize yourself with your ex’s needs now that your ex is suffering in his or her way.

You must step back and give your ex time to self-prioritize and enjoy life without you. This is the only way your space-deprived ex can keep his or her difficult post-breakup emotions under control and retain his or her respect for you.

Respect is one of the main components of redeveloping romantic feelings after a breakup.

Without respect, there won’t be any love because your ex won’t find you worthy of it. He or she will think of you as an energy and happiness leech, and as a result, keep you at a safe distance. What safe distance is varies for each dumper.

But you can probably expect your ex to treat you no better than you treat yourself.

If you ignore your ex’s feelings and keep talking to your ex with the intention of reconciling, your ex will feel smothered and extremely tempted to project his or her frustrations onto you. This means your ex will hurt you and force you to stay away for your own good.

You must understand that nothing you say and do will make your ex realize what a great person you are. Persistence will only make your ex think you’re desperate for attention and that you don’t know when to quit.

In this article, we talk about what not to do after a breakup. We expand on the previously written article called 18 post-breakup mistakes.

1)Don’t treat your breakup like a relationship

Sadly, many dumpees don’t know what to do after a breakup. They follow their gut feelings (instincts) and by doing so, fail to respect their ex’s need for space and desire to self-focus and enjoy life.

Due to a lack of breakup knowledge and destroyed self-esteem, they think their ex wants to see how much they care about the relationship and do all kinds of things.

They promise changes, make time for their ex, express love, buy their ex presents, write love letters, plan dates, and try to show they’re capable of growing and creating a healthy, safe, and loving relationship. Little do they know that dumpers don’t want their ex to invest in them.

They want their ex to do the opposite of that, which is to avoid investing, rationalizing, and resisting their decision. They want an easy transition from a relationship to a breakup and feel understood and respected in the process.

If they feel their ex is disrespecting them by refusing to accept the breakup and give them space, they often lose their patience and respect and react in ways their ex may not be used to.

Their reaction is often a projection of pent-up anger, unmet needs, and unhealthy perceptions of their ex.

My advice to you is not to think and act the way you would if you were together. Now that your ex is an ex, you need to know that your ex’s way of thinking and emotions have changed.

Your ex no longer desires your intimacy but loathes it. He or she can’t and doesn’t want to feel close to you because your ex spent days, weeks, or months associating negativity with your persona.

When the breakup occurred, these associations increased dramatically and destroyed your ex’s willingness to bond and work on the relationship. Love-like emotions were replaced with relationship-destroying emotions such as anger, resentment, fear, doubt, relief, and cravings for freedom and independence. 

Bear in mind that a breakup is a breakup and that it works differently from a relationship. In a relationship, there is love and desire to bond and grow whereas in a breakup, feelings are gone and can’t be recreated until the dumper is ready to recreate them.

And the dumper is ready when the dumpee accepts the end of the relationship and gives the dumper enough time to have an epiphany.

So don’t act on your anxiety and invite your ex on a date. Remember that your ex is an ex – the dumper and that he or she can’t be manipulated with nice gestures. Your ex has a certain perception of you and is keeping his or her guard up deliberately to not get close to you again.

The thought of being close to you repulses your ex. And if the thought of being close has such a powerful effect, just imagine how your ex must feel when you court your ex and expect him or her to make you happy.

 2)Don’t stay friends with your ex

Post-breakup communication is one of the biggest and most common breakup mistakes dumpees make. It’s so common that more than 80% of dumpees make it. They think they can reason with their ex and prove how eager they are to correct their mistakes and be the person their ex wants them to be.

Such beliefs give them the green light to do all sorts of things that plan to convince their ex to give the relationship another try. Some dumpees beg and plead whereas others play the slow game and try to crawl back into their ex’s life.

They hope their ex will notice their romantic value and want to be a part of their life.

Such dumpees don’t know that getting out of the friend zone is extremely difficult. The majority of dumpees fail because they lose their patience and overwhelm their ex, get over their ex and give up, or because their ex never redevelops feelings. 

Either way, they waste weeks or months waiting for their ex to return when they could be working on more important things.

Things such as:

• self-distraction
• detachment
• healing
• self-love
• self-improvement

Dumpees who stay in touch with their ex shoot themselves in the foot. Their only hope is to be available to their ex when their ex gets into a new relationship and fails. But even if their ex fails, there’s no guarantee their ex will choose them.

Their ex could just use them for emotional support and/or move on to someone else.

That’s why it’s better for your health and well-being to avoid befriending your ex. Instead of trapping yourself in the friend zone, politely reject your ex’s friendship offer (if there is one) and go your separate ways. Your ex will respect you and think about you more and in better ways if you keep your distance.

3)Don’t sleep with your ex

Some dumpees also think that the easiest way to get back with their ex is to get under someone else. They don’t know that dumpers can use them to satisfy their urges and discard them afterward.

If you get an opportunity to sleep with your ex, know that dumpers never sleep with their ex—and then talk about exclusivity (in this order). This happens only when dumpers and dumpees completely forget about each other for years and disassociate negativity from each other.

That’s when they can sort of get to know each other again in such a way.

In fresh breakups, though, this isn’t the case. Dumpers who want their ex back talk about their regrets, mistakes, and stupidity. They want their ex to see how important the relationship is to them and how serious they are about being with their ex.

Such dumpers focus on restoring the bond and rebuilding trust before they attempt to sleep with their ex. If they sleep with their ex before doing these things, they tend to use their ex for sex and abandon their ex afterward.

Oftentimes, they:

• see their ex only at night
• go home after sex
• flirt with their ex
• sleep with their ex until they’ve met someone else or become certain they want to be with that person

So even though you may want to be intimate with your ex more than anything, avoid sleeping with your ex if there has been no relationship talk. You mustn’t skip stages because the moment you go to the final stage with your ex, your ex will get what he or she is after and feel no desire to apologize, self-improve, and get your trust back.

4)Don’t involve other people

The breakup is between you and your ex, which is why involving others won’t change a thing. Your or your ex’s friends and parents won’t convince your ex to come back. Or if they somehow do, your ex will probably leave again the moment he or she stops feeling guilty and decides to self-prioritize.

It’s also possible that your ex will get angry with you when you ask people to communicate with your ex in your stead. That’s because your ex will feel pressured and disrespected by your lack of discreetness and ability to accept the separation.

Your ex (as well as most people) prefers you not to involve other people, especially his or her family members, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and people he or she is seeing. Nothing will make your ex more frustrated than making others think what a horrible human being he or she is for abandoning a relationship and hurting you.

5)Don’t interact with your ex on social media

If you want to handle the breakup well, avoid interacting with your ex on social media. This includes liking your ex’s posts, following/unfollowing your ex, sending your ex messages/pictures/videos/memes, renaming chats, checking your ex’s stories, and doing things that let your ex know you’re still around and interested in his or her life.

Not only will online interactions make you look obsessed and interested in your ex, but they’ll also give you hope and mess up your healing.

You need to understand that the end of the relationship demands no post-breakup interactions. You can’t expect to get over your ex by doing things that keep you attached to your ex. Yes, liking a photo isn’t the worst breakup mistake you could make, but despite that, you have to break relationship patterns to regain emotional independence.

The fewer big or tiny mistakes you make, the quicker you’ll get your happiness back and the smaller the chance that you’ll annoy your ex. Dumpers can get annoyed by little things too, you know. When they need space (especially if they’re dating someone else), they get easily annoyed by things such as their ex hearting their photos.

They want their ex out of their life so they can avoid feeling guilty and being forced to deal with their past. 

Basically, you must treat your ex as if he or she doesn’t exist (at least on social media). Do that for as long as you both need time to focus on yourselves.

Moreover, don’t post relationship and breakup quotes and pictures on social media. Anything directed toward your ex or caused by your ex is off-limits.

6)Don’t do drugs and alcohol

Some dumpees drown their sorrows in drugs and alcohol. They choose unhealthy methods for coping with anxiety and pain because they’re the quickest ways for them to feel better and avoid dealing with problems. 

If you’re one of those dumpees, know that there are better (more productive) ways to deal with romantic rejection—and they include no self-pity and self-destructive tendencies. 

They just require you to find them. Fortunately for you, there are hundreds of things you can do.

You can:

• stay busy with work, school, and activities you enjoy
• sign up for therapy
• exercise 
• meditate
• set new goals and work toward them
• hang out with friends
• work on yourself
• volunteer for a good cause
• take antidepressants

So even though it may be tempting to ignore self-care, isolate yourself, and drink or drug your problems away, don’t do that. Do things that actually help you process the breakup and allow you to become the best version of yourself.

The breakup is a great opportunity for you to discover your shortcomings and resolve them. 

If you don’t see any shortcomings, it’s not because you don’t have them but because you didn’t take the time to reflect and find them.

7)Don’t seek revenge

Sometimes dumpees are hurt and punish their exes for the pain their exes made them feel. They do this because they want their ex to experience pain and suffer like them. Mutual misery eases their pain and gives them a sense of control.

What you need to know is that revenge won’t make you feel better for long. The moment you realize it reduced your chances of reconciliation, you’ll feel guilty or ashamed and might even want to apologize to your ex. This will put you into a position of weakness once more and repeat your cycle of suffering.

So instead of hurting your ex for hurting you, convince yourself that revenge won’t help you in any way. You’ll still have to get closure and process the separation like every other dumpee. The only difference is that you’ll feel better for a day or two and then have additional regrets to work through.

You can avoid digging yourself into a hole by realizing that revenge is for the weak-minded and that mature people refuse to stoop down to their ex’s level and deal with unwanted emotions alone. They let their ex “get away with it” because they know they’ll be okay with their ex and that their ex has a tough life ahead.

He or she will get hit by karma when the time is right.

8)Don’t date while you’re depressed, lost, and in love with your ex

Whoever came up with the line that the best way to get over your ex is to get under someone else has no idea how dumpees’ minds work. He or she doesn’t understand that dumpees are obsessed with their ex and that they can’t get their ex out of their head simply by sleeping with another person.

More often than not, sex only makes them more dependent on their ex as it makes them realize they can’t connect with other people. It makes them think their ex is special and that they’ll never find someone as good as their ex.

So whatever you do, don’t get romantically and/or sexually involved with others as long as you’re healing from the breakup. Give yourself some time to discover your worth and fall back in love with yourself. That way, you’ll improve your self-esteem and also avoid hurting the people you date.

You can talk to the people you like but don’t try to connect with them until you’re ready. You’ll know you’re ready when you stop thinking about your ex 24/7 and don’t care if your ex dates other people and never comes back.

When you’re ready for a new relationship, the new person could push you to make the last step to forget about your ex and encourage you to look forward to building a deeper connection with him or her.

But until you’re ready for that, avoid jumping on dating apps and trying to feel better by seeking validation from other people. Instead of relying on others to patch your wounds, focus on yourself and work on improving your self-esteem rather than boosting your ego.

Ego is dependent on external factors and can get crushed easily whereas self-esteem is permanent and resistant to factors outside of you.

9)Don’t play jealousy games

You’ll never reattract your ex by pretending to love someone else and having no feelings for your ex. Your ex won’t fall for it because your ex lost feelings and isn’t in competition with anyone. If you begged and made various breakup mistakes, your ex will be glad you’re moving on and leaving him or her alone.

And if your ex thinks you’re being too braggy on social media and that you’re rubbing the new relationship in his or her face, your ex might even get angry and delete you or block you. That doesn’t mean your ex loves you but that your ex is annoyed and doesn’t want to see you act like a teenager on a first date.

Although some young and insecure dumpers become anxious and come running back to their ex (they break up again very quickly), the majority of dumpers don’t. Those who perceive their ex in a negative light couldn’t care less what their ex does and doesn’t do.

They just want to be left alone and focus on their wants and needs. Such dumpers will think you’re dating too quickly, being too showy, or trying to manipulate him or her into coming back.

If you are dating, it’s better to stay low-key and make your ex wonder what you’re doing and if you’re dating. It’s the lack of information about your post-breakup life that makes your ex curious about you rather than you dating someone else and flaunting him or her online.

10)Don’t blame yourself and overanalyze

Self-blame will get you nowhere. It won’t fix your separation anxiety, nor help you get your ex back. It will just make you miserable for the things you’re responsible for, partially responsible for, and not responsible for at all.

You must understand that self-blame is the product of low self-esteem that was heightened by your ex’s abandonment. It’s now telling you that you made tons of mistakes and that your ex made none or very few.

In reality, you just can’t see them or care about them right now because your ex doesn’t love you and has all the power.

Give it some time and your obsessive thoughts and self-blame will wane. Eventually, it will disappear altogether and make you realize it served no purpose.

If thinking about the breakup helps you ease anxiety, by all means, do so. But don’t dedicate your entire life to analyzing your ex and learning things about your ex you don’t need to know.

Some of the things you don’t have to worry about after the breakup are:

• who or whether your ex is dating
• what your ex is doing
• what your ex is saying about you
• whether your ex is happy and why
• what would happen if you didn’t say this or didn’t do that

11)Avoid nostalgia

Nostalgia may feel bittersweet, but it’s very dangerous for your healing. It constantly reminds you that you could be with your ex and that you wouldn’t have to deal with all the problems you’re dealing with if you were with your ex and felt how you did in the past.

Nostalgia, just like hope is your worst enemy. It makes you think the past is better than the present and the future and that you’re incomplete without your ex.

To deal with nostalgia, stop yourself from ruminating about the past and avoid places, songs, jokes, words, clothes, presents, people, and things that remind you of your ex and trigger your nostalgic cravings.

You need to stay away from everything that disturbs your healing process and makes you want to re-experience the past. Do that by identifying nostalgia the moment it occurs and gathering the strength to redirect your focus from your ex to things that don’t make you feel like you have nothing meaningful to live for.

12)Avoid making unhealthy impulsive decisions

Another thing you should avoid after the breakup is making impulsive decisions such as leaving a job/country, making big purchases, selling your house, and throwing your ex’s stuff out the window.

Breakups put our morals and self-control to the test. If you do something impulsive, you won’t just show how mentally fragile you are to your ex but also risk doing something you might regret later on when you recover emotionally and regain your rationality.

So if you feel tempted to do something that could change your life forever or in a big way, wait a bit. Give it a few months for emotions to wane and then decide if you still want to go through with the plan.

Chances are you’ll change your mind and be glad you didn’t make major life decisions on impulse.

To conclude, here’s an infographic showing what not to do after a breakup. Feel free to save it or set it as wallpaper—as long as it prevents you from making breakup mistakes.

Do you have any tips of your own to share regarding this topic? What were some of the things you learned from your breakup/s? Share your lessons below.

And lastly, if you’d like to talk about your breakup with us, go to the Magnet of Success coaching page to learn about the services we provide.