Is He a Non-Committal Guy?
Perhaps you feel you met the One. Yet he pulls away soon after, leaving you in limbo. Has he met someone else? Why is he running hot and cold? Do you have a future together? You wonder, Is it me? Is it him? Is this a non-committal guy and if so why do I mess with him? And you wonder, how do I handle a non-committal guy?
Maybe you tend to be involved with a guy for a few months and then he always falls away mysteriously, leaving you alone. Or you have been with a guy for 10 years who brings over the chicken soup when you are sick, but he can’t say the L word and is truly a non-committal guy. Or maybe you are in a long term on-again, off-again relationship where one or the other of you periodically withdraws or sees other people. The whole thing can be very unsettling and uncertain emotionally.
Have you ever been involved and in love with one man for months, or even years, only to find that he simply cannot or will not take that next step into living together or marriage? Instead he gets irritated, distant, angry or simply hits the highway if there is any talk of sharing a future together? If you have read this far I know that you have had at least one of these FRUSTRATING experiences with a guy.
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How to Handle a Non-Committal Guy: Step 1: Understanding Your Differences
It is easy to assume that because you have been together a certain length of time, sleeping together or seeing each other frequently, that you are exclusive or moving towards a commitment with a shared future. Because of this assumption, you let yourself off the hook in terms of the need to speak up. You reassure yourself that everything is moving along fine. You tell yourself, I certainly don’t want to rock the boat by speaking up and then driving him away. But muting yourself is a very dangerous thing to do. Your boyfriend thinks very differently from you.
Remember, men often view a committed relationship as a smothering noose or a heavy rack of burdens. A woman will refer to a guy she has been seeing as her boyfriend, while he may not even see her as remotely in the ballpark of being his girlfriend. She is just someone he is currently sleeping with. This kind of disconnect can go on for a year or more, until he drops the “I’m-not-in-love-with-you” bomb. You cannot afford to waste your super precious time in these murky grey waters. You deserve the love you really want in your heart of hearts. Coming from that place and when the time is right, you need to have a mature straight-forward discussion with your Beloved. Love flows out of an open, honest dialogue where there is talking, listening and sharing.
How to Handle a Non-Committal Guy Step 2: Speaking Your Truth
This is something you must do for yourself. Because, it’s you who feels the pressure of time ticking away and it’s you who needs to know if he wants a future with you, if he loves you, if he wants a family or a baby with you. And you need to know sooner rather than later. To not speak your truth is deadly. If you don’t you will find a gradual erosion of your own self respect and self love and a smoldering resentment that over time you will not be able to cover up. The upset is bound to seep out and poison your relationship so that in the end it will end badly. So you need to summon the courage to speak your truths.
As to your fear that any straight talk will drive him away: if a man is mature just the opposite is true. An honest talk where you are playful or casual will draw him in and allow him to feel closer to you. Only immature men who are truly not ready for the real deal will be pushed away by a talk. That is, as long as you don’t come across as bossy, needy or bitchy. The key is to communicate at the right time, in the right way and avoid the common mistakes women make in having The Talk.
How to Handle a Non-Committal Guy Step 3: When to Have The Talk
Research tells us that the average time for a couple to move from dating to a committed relationship with a future that includes living together or getting married is from nine months to three years. A study of 3000 couples in the UK showed that the average length of courtship before a marriage proposal was two years, 11 months. All this varies considerably from couple to couple. So there’s no exact time to have The Talk. But usually, if things drag on in an uncommitted state much beyond a year or two, the relationship will tend to go downhill. Especially if one person is longing for a more permanent commitment like marriage and the other is dragging their feet.
On the other hand, ill-timed or premature conversations can definitely backfire. I’ve seen so many women rush into having sex in the first month and then insist that “we’re exclusive now,” which blows the whole thing out of the water.
Any relationship that moves from casual to committed will have a series of Talks, not just one. There are discussions that are appropriate for early stages and some that are for later in the relationship. But before you engage in any of them let’s first look at: common mistakes and what not to say or do; how to lay the foundation for these important talks so that you are ready and grounded; and finally, how to have the talks in both the early and later stages of the relationship so that he really listens.
How to Handle a Non-Committal Guy Step 4 : Thirteen Common Mistakes that Make The Talk Backfire
It is just as important to understand what to avoid as knowing the elements of a successful Talk. Here is the list of 13 common mistakes that can cause a non-committal guy to become defensive, emotionally distant and run for his life:
- Holding things in for months, bending over backwards to make things work and then finally exploding in anger and blame
- Complaining about the relationship or saying critical things about him (how dumb can you be!) and what he does wrong
- Pouring out of all your frustration and upset feelings in an overwhelming gush
- Dissolving in tears and being the wounded bird who can’t make it without him
- Collapsing into thoughts of your unworthiness, not deserving or feeling bad about yourself
- Going mute and withdrawing so that he will pull the truth out of you
- Threatening to hurt or even kill yourself if he doesn’t come through for you. This is the narcissistic or borderline approach to “the talk.”
- Over-analyzing him or the problems between you. For example, telling him why he doesn’t feel how you would like him to feel
- Making demands because it has been a certain number of months or years and he “should be moving forward with you.
- Begging, convincing or talking him into liking or choosing you. Your life is so much better with me because…
- Being overly focused on yourself and talking only about your own feelings
- Bringing up past issues, disappointments or arguments
- Being entitled and bullying him (You should! After all I’ve done, you’d better…)
- Having a dreadfully serious vibe or tone in your voice
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First Become Grounded
Making any of these mistakes will tend to turn your man off. In fact, it will have the opposite effect of what you intended to accomplish. (Unless your intention is for him to get lost–in which case you’ll succeed admirably). But if your goal is for him to listen thoughtfully and engage with you in an open, honest and loving conversation prepare yourself so that you are grounded.
How to Handle a Non-Committal Guy Step 5: Laying the Foundation for “The Talk”
There are several steps I’d like you to take in preparation for handling the non-committal guy. First, identify any tendencies you have of making any of the 13 all-too-common mistakes in your conversations with him. Next, practice stopping yourself the next time you open your mouth and desperation drama threatens to take over. Remember, desperation and dramas rarely have a place in healthy communication. So when you do talk with your partner and emotions begin to overtake you. Close your mouth so you don’t lose control. Then take a deep breath and visualize a big bold Red Stop Sign. When you’ve quieted down, immediately change the subject. Practicing the Stop technique will help you avoid running over him with your emotional outbursts. They won’t get you anywhere good, I promise.
Prepare with a Love Mentor or Coach
If you have a Love Mentor, she can help you avoid accidentally repelling your Beloved. Be sure to discuss having the Talk with her beforehand so that you have an emotional ally. And are more grounded and prepared. It is much easier if you first air out your fears, fire up your courage, gather your thoughts and rehearse with your mentor. Before you do it with your man.
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