How Friendship Keeps Intimacy Alive

Friendship Is the Secret to Real Intimacy

Let’s be real for a second: when most people hear the word intimacy, their minds go straight to the bedroom. And while that’s definitely part of it (and a beautiful part, too), it’s not the whole story.

If you’ve ever had one of those nights where everything looked picture-perfect — cozy couch, your favorite show, maybe even your favorite person — but something still felt off… you already know what I mean.

Real intimacy isn’t just about passion or physical closeness. It’s about friendship. It’s the comfort of being fully seen, known, and loved — even when life is messy, your energy is running on fumes, and you’re more in sync with your to-do list than with each other.

Because the truth is, intimacy starts long before the lights go out. It begins in the everyday moments of friendship that make you feel safe, supported, and chosen.

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. To learn more about ’em, click here.

The Kind of Intimacy We Almost Forgot

There was a night not too long ago when Nic and I were snuggled up on the couch, watching our favorite show, but I felt… disconnected. Nothing was wrong — but something was missing. That’s when it hit me: intimacy isn’t about being in the same room; it’s about being in sync.

We’ve been going through a lot lately, and I realized that while we’ve both been doing our best for our little family, our jobs, and ourselves we weren’t exactly in sync with each other… And that’s not doing our best for each other. Sure, we have a wonderful physical connection and things are great in the bedroom, but this realization helped me understand on a very personal level that intimacy is NOT defined by the bedroom alone.

I spent the next day doing some research and found a lot of really good information, but one thing in particular stood out to me the most. According to The Gottman Institute, the strongest marriages aren’t defined by constant passion — they’re defined by emotional connection and friendship.

Nic and I are best friends and our story has that friends-to-lovers vibe (hello, romance novel!). But lately, it feels like that “best friends” part of us has been hiding behind all the busyness. It made me realize that our friendship isn’t just a sweet chapter from our past… it’s the part of intimacy we need to keep writing, every single day.

Friendship Starts with Safety

Think about your closest friend — the one you can share your deepest thoughts with without fear of being judged. That’s what emotional safety in marriage feels like. When you know you’re loved even when you’re not at your best, that’s when your relationship starts to feel like home again.

Real intimacy happens when you stop walking on eggshells and start walking through life together. When you say the hard things kindly. When you know your heart is safe in their hands.

My friend, Jessica P. shared her story with me:

“Our intimate life has never been effortless. The exhaustion of new parenthood, the stress of job losses, and the changes of perimenopause all took their toll. Even carefully scheduling intimacy didn’t fix what was missing, because our struggles were never really about frequency, even if they felt like that at the time.

We learned (far too late, in my opinion) that true intimacy is built on communication and trust. Once we started being open, honest, and vulnerable with each other, we found we both cared less about what did or didn’t happen in the bedroom. We felt closest when we kept those lines of communication open; it was all about how we showed up for each other, accepting one another for who and where we were in that moment.

We still enjoy a good romp, but just as often, connection looks like lying side by side, listening to an audiobook, or tackling a crossword together. Those quiet, ordinary moments remind us that intimacy isn’t about performance or frequency, it’s about being free to be your full self with someone.”

🩵 Try this tonight: Ask your spouse, “What’s been weighing on your heart lately?” Then just listen — no fixing, no defending, no rushing. Just be their safe place.

Friendship Is Found in the Small Stuff

Think about how friendships grow: text check-ins, inside jokes, shared snacks, random stories that start with “You’ll never believe what happened today.” Marriage is no different.

Dr. John Gottman calls these bids for connection — the tiny ways we reach for each other. Responding to those bids (even with a smile, a wink, or a “tell me more”) keeps friendship — and intimacy — alive.

The quiet, ordinary moments are where friendship and intimacy take root. Every small “I thought of you” or “come look at this” is a bid for connection. When we respond to those bids, even in the middle of chaos, we’re saying “You matter to me.”

When we think of intimacy, we often picture candlelight and big gestures. But true closeness is built in the everyday moments: the morning coffee you hand them, the silly texts, the laughter that erupts out of nowhere.

🩵 Try this today: Create one “just us” ritual — a morning hug, a nightly meme exchange, a shared walk, or a kitchen dance party. Friendship grows in the ordinary.

Both Are About Emotional Connection, Not Perfection

We don’t hide the messy parts from our friends. We show up with our tears, our rants, our morning hair, and they still love us! Marriage deserves that same level of honesty.

Real intimacy happens when you let your spouse see the unfiltered version of you — and they stay. It’s not about always being cheerful or always agreeing; it’s about staying authentic.

My friend, Becca O. shared her story with me:

“A few years into our marriage, we experienced a heartbreaking loss when we miscarried our second child. In the hospital, I was overwhelmed with pain- both physically and emotionally. I was a mess- in every sort of way. I went to the bathroom to clean up and my husband came in with me. He helped me, held me, and stayed with me through my most vulnerable and painful moments.

When we were leaving, the nurse came to me and said, “I want you to know, I’ve been doing this for years, and your husband is the first one I’ve seen follow his wife into the bathroom. Most wait outside because they don’t know what to do with the blood and pain. I hope you know how lucky you are.” In that moment, I realized she was right- I wasn’t just loved, I was chosen in the hard, messy moments, not just the beautiful ones.

When we got home, I couldn’t sleep. There was just too much grief. So he pulled our mattress into the living room and put on my favorite TV show. He held me and we cried together. I felt so seen and so safe. I knew that whatever was ahead- I wasn’t alone. We’d face it together.

That experience deepened our emotional intimacy in a profound way. It taught me that true intimacy is not just about physical closeness, but about being fully seen, known and loved in your most vulnerable, raw and unfiltered state. Even when I felt like I was at my lowest- emotionally drained, tear-streaked, and utterly unlovely, looking and feeling nothing like myself… He saw who I truly am. He sees me at my worst and still loves me the best. And because of that, I feel like I can be the most me when I’m with him.

To me- that is intimacy!”

🩵 Try this tonight: Share something small but real: “I’ve been feeling off lately,” or “I miss how much we used to laugh.” That’s where true connection starts.

Physical Intimacy Is the Overflow

There’s something wildly attractive about feeling emotionally close. When you laugh together, tease each other, or spend time as true friends, physical intimacy stops feeling like a chore and starts feeling natural — like the next chapter of connection.

It’s that spark you get when your partner remembers your favorite song, or when you share a joke no one else gets. When friendship is strong, desire doesn’t need to be forced. It flows from the comfort of being fully known and still adored. The good news? This means your friendship with each other is your foreplay.

🩵 Try this tonight: Instead of rushing into physical connection, spend a few minutes just being friends — talk, dance, cuddle, or joke around. Let emotional warmth set the tone for everything else.

Intimacy Can Also Look Like This

When I started thinking about what intimacy really looks like, I decided to ask others the same question — and their answers stopped me in my tracks. Not one of them mentioned sex. Instead, they described small, sacred moments that reminded me how many ways love shows up in a marriage.

One friend said intimacy for her is folding laundry side by side while talking about life — no distractions, no phones, just conversation and teamwork. One even said it’s when her husband makes her coffee exactly the way she likes it without asking — proof he’s been paying attention all along.

Each answer melted me a little more, because they all had one thing in common: friendship. Every example was rooted in partnership, playfulness, and being there for each other in the smallest ways.

Maybe that’s what intimacy really is — not something that happens behind closed doors, but something you nurture in the open moments of everyday life.

When Intimacy is Hard

I’ve shared a lot about the fun, light, friendship-filled side of intimacy but the truth is, intimacy isn’t always easy. Real intimacy asks us to be seen fully — flaws, fears, and all. It’s about letting someone see who you really are, even the parts you’d rather hide.

When my friend, Dan, shared an audio clip with me, it stopped me in my tracks. It’s raw, it’s honest, and it perfectly captures the vulnerable side of what intimacy can look like in marriage.

“My experience is that intimacy doesn’t always feel good — because real intimacy means being known, and also knowing your spouse.

There was a moment in my marriage recently when intimacy meant looking into my wife’s eyes and seeing something about myself that I didn’t like. I realized that I take advantage of her in small ways — ways I could get away with because she’s married to me. It’s easy for me to dismiss her complaints or make her look like the crazy one while I seem like I’ve got it all together.

But real intimacy means slowing down enough to really look into her eyes and see the truth of it. Who is it that I’m married to? And who is it that she’s married to? That’s the “into me see” side of intimacy. She’s seen into me — into my soul — and it’s gut-wrenching, uncomfortable, and humbling.

In my case, I’ve had to confront some things I’d been avoiding. But I’ve done it, and I think we’ve both grown tremendously because of it. I don’t think intimacy is for the faint of heart.

There are these two pulls — these two drives — that humans have: a drive for attachment, and a drive for autonomy. We want to be close to someone who matters deeply to us, but we also don’t want them to tell us what to do. Those competing drives shape our capacity for real intimacy, real honesty, and real truth.

Now, there’s also the feel-good side of intimacy — that moment when you look into your spouse’s eyes, and they look back into yours, and you both realize just how lucky you are. You’re really fortunate. Everything you’ve been through together, everything you’ve shared, has this special flavor — a unique meaning that words can’t quite describe.

And that… that special kind of knowing — that’s what intimacy is really about.” – Dan P.

His words reminded me that intimacy isn’t always pretty or polished. Sometimes it’s messy, uncomfortable, or even painful — but those moments of honesty are where growth happens. It’s where love deepens, trust rebuilds, and friendship roots itself even stronger.

Interested in reading more about different areas of intimacy? Check out the book The Six Pillars of Intimacy written by our friends Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo from One Extraordinary Marriage.

Redefining “Intimacy” by Building a Foundation Through Friendship

Reading through those stories made me pause and think about my own marriage. It reminded me that intimacy doesn’t always need to feel grand or glamorous — it just needs to feel true. For Nic and me, it might look like laughing until our sides hurt, a quiet forehead kiss after a long day, or him making me tea while I finish writing a post like this one. Those are the moments that refill my love tank and remind me that friendship really is the heartbeat of intimacy.

And that my friends, is the moral of the story. At the end of the day, the best marriages don’t just stay in love… they stay friends. They keep laughing, forgiving, showing up, and choosing curiosity over criticism.

Intimacy is the friendship that stays — through the chaos, the stress, the unglamorous and the ordinary. It’s choosing to reach for each other, to laugh instead of lash out, to stay curious about each other even after years together.

Because when you stay best friends, the spark doesn’t fade — it simply deepens.

So tonight, skip the pressure to “reignite the flame.” Instead, ask yourself: how can I be my spouse’s best friend again?