I used to think loving someone and being in love with someone were the exact same thing.
I really did.
I just got out of a long relationship three years of giving my all to someone. And she used to ask me this question that always caught me off guard:
“Are you in love with me… or do you just love me?”
And every single time, I’d answer quickly. Confident. Almost offended by the question.
“Of course I’m in love with you. Of course I love you. They’re the same thing.”
Turns out… they’re not.
I didn’t understand the difference until after it was over.
Which feels painfully on brand for me.
See, loving someone is something you do.
It’s effort.
It’s showing up.
It’s acts of service, gifts, quality time whatever their love language is, you learn it and you perform it well.
You can try harder.
You can push through.
You can keep pressing the button over and over again:
love, love, love, love, love.
And I did that. For years.
But being in love?
That’s different. Completely different.
Being in love is when your nervous system is calm.
It’s when your body feels safe around them.
You don’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
You don’t rehearse what you’re about to say.
You don’t brace yourself for how they’ll react.
You just… exist.
You feel steady.
Comfortable.
At home.
And that’s the part you can’t force.
I didn’t realize I was confusing effort with emotion.
Commitment with connection.
Loyalty with peace.
I thought if I just loved harder, showed up more, sacrificed a little extra… the feeling would eventually catch up.
But feelings don’t work like that.
You can force yourself to love someone.
You cannot force yourself to be in love.
And realizing that hurt in a way I didn’t expect because it meant admitting something I didn’t want to see while I was in it.
That I was doing everything right…
But my body already knew the truth.
So if you’re reading this and you’re confused if you’re giving your all but still feel unsettled this might be the distinction you haven’t named yet.
Love is an action.
Being in love is a state.
And next time…
I hope I listen sooner
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
Love relationships? We promise to have a good one with your inbox.
Subcribe to get 3x weekly dating and relationship advice.
Did you know? We have 8 publications on Medium. Join us there!
***
–
Photo credit: Junior REIS On Unsplash
The post I Loved Her. I Just Wasn’t In Love. appeared first on The Good Men Project.
