Inside the Mind of an Anxious-Avoidant

I’m anxious and avoidant. A lethal combination.

I latch on to the ones who reject and invalidate me, who make me prove my worth, and treat me like I’m not good enough.

Oh, how great it feels to step on the hamster wheel of approval that never comes.

I push away the ones who are kind, consistent, and emotionally available (yikes). Too overwhelming, too scary.

The wheel of rejection feels more familiar, safer.

I do recognize the wheel now. I still run for a little while, but fortunately, I don’t stay too long anymore. I get dizzy quicker these days. Less stamina, less need to prove my worth.

I’m older and wiser, I guess.

But I haven’t yet figured out how to do the other wheel, the wheel of consistent, healthy love.

On this wheel, I’m running and chasing, but it’s not necessary. I can stand still and they still like me. I can have a bad day, and they offer support. I can look a mess, and they’ll look at me lovingly, saying I look cute.

But I’m a confused little hamster that only knows how to run and chase. A dog running after a bone that is always out of reach. All of a sudden there’s endless bones everywhere?

No running? No searching? No jumping through hoops?

What on earth will I do with all my time?

Focus on my writing career?
More yoga and pilates?
Just chill out and enjoy time with friends?

Mmmm… that seems suspicious. Not sure I’m believing this, it feels like a trap. I’m naive, but I’m not that gullible. Things can just be good?

That’s not how life works!

Love is supposed to hard. Something you have to work for, and earn, with appropriate punishment when you disappoint the other person.

Silent treatment, accusation, and invalidation.

“In the corner, you. With your head down, until I allow for you to speak again!”

That’s love, right? Aggressive and unkind.

Yeah… I have a bug or two in my software, I’m aware.

Fortunately I have a few engineer friends who are actively trying to rewire it, including myself.

I’m trying to do better, and choose better.

Yet, I can’t help but think that all my dating attempts these days are based more on wishful thinking that this time I will get it right, than actually being ready to handle ‘love’.

Not the endless hamster wheel kind of love, but that second, weird type, where you have to do nothing other than be yourself, and be appreciated for it.

It leaves me wondering…

How does someone who only knows the damaging kind of love prepare herself for healthy love?

Who is going to be patient enough to find his way through my maze, when they can just as well find another girl who is a lot easier to love?

Someone who can handle intimacy and kindness, who doesn’t have to retreat every other day when things get too overwhelming and call for a 7-day break.

A girl who is brave and secure enough to open her heart, knowing she’ll be able to handle it if it breaks.

I don’t think I’ll be able to handle my heart if it breaks…

Though I’ve gone through plenty of heartbreaks, every time it feels like death. Every time it feels like someone sucked my soul from my being, and I lost all appetite for life.

It’s a version of me I don’t like very much. A pathetic version, with no strength or self-respect.

Don’t judge, please. It’s not really me, it’s just my trauma.

It’s my abandonment wound that replays the same story:

You’re left, rejected, and spit out because you’re worthless, stupid, and ugly. You deserved it.

Yeah… My abandonment companion is not very kind.

That’s the underlying belief. That I deserve to be treated badly, because I’m worthless.

And until I fix that, all dating attempts will be futile. Because I’ll either fall for the wrong guy who confirms that same story, or I’ll push away the good one that tells me a tale of another kind.

A story in which I’m worthy, priceless even. Or at least good enough to be loved.

Thank you for following me down the endless spiral that’s my mind. Enjoy more of my writing below!