Sex scripts? A sex script is a plan or order for how you think sex is supposed to progress. I do this. He does that. We do this. Then I climax. Then he does. This is a pretty common sex script often reinforced in steamy romance novels. Many of us have sex scripts, partnered or not. And sometimes we can feel pressure to change them.
The Idea of a Regular Sex Script — Boring or Comfort?
To some, it can feel like being in a rut. What used to be thrilling is now predictable. Maybe. But having a sex script we use over and over can also be a comfort, like your favorite lasagna recipe, the one you’ve loved for years and depend on to always make you feel better. Predictability can be grounding and safe, particularly in a world that’s chaotic.
If my husband is nearby when I bend to put a dish in the dishwasher, he will grab my backside. Every time. I secretly love it. The day he stops, is the day I’ll start to worry.
The Novelty Myth
The idea that great sex requires novelty can lead some lovers to think they must always be doing something cutting edge to be great. A new position, a new toy, a new thrill. Being open to new things is good, but don’t throw out the tried-and-true moves proving you and your partner know each other like the backs of your hands.
Research described by Kleinplatz & Menard in in their book “Magnificent Sex” indicates those reporting the best sex are often long-term lovers who feel safe enough to experiment and safe enough not to.
More Thrills, Less Chills
Breathing fresh air into a long-standing sex script doesn’t have to be drastic. For example, one of my favorite sex hacks is to change the timing. Instead of having a fancy dinner and then sex, have sex first, then go out or have a romantic dinner in. The change in light, the energy of the day, or just enjoying that meal with your now sex rumpled lover can all add a sense of newness. And who knows, you may have energy for round two with dessert.
If you always start your sex script the same way (ex. using fingers then tongues), try starting off in a new spot (start with tongues). If one partner always initiates, let another partner try initiating. Same script, different roles.
Not everyone is an extreme sexual adventurer. Not everyone wants chocolates, roses, and grand romantic gestures (though those can be fun). Great sex for some can be simple changes to your regular script that build excitement in safe and familiar ways.
Sex and Rollercoasters
Rollercoasters are thrilling. But they all basically follow the same idea. It’s in the execution that things stay fresh. Some click up slowly, building tension to a dramatic peak, while others offer multiple smaller hills and peaks with dramatic twists and turns along the way. Some have loops and go upside down. Others end with a huge splash, literally.
Sex scripts are like rollercoasters. You can follow the same basic idea and add thrill with a new way of execution. You don’t have to change the fundamentals. Just make a few adjustments, and remember there is nothing wrong with returning to the same old ride.
I am not a doctor or therapist. I am a steamy romance writer who reads a lot of information from prominent sex therapists while researching for my books. If you have emotional or physical conditions that impact sex, please consult with the appropriately licensed professional.
You deserve great sex. Read romance.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Marvin Meyer On Unsplash
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