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How to Build Friendships: Skills for Emotional Intimacy & Feeling Connected | Barnet Bain
Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
Have you ever looked at your contacts, your social media, or your calendar and thought: I know a lot of people… so why do I still feel lonely? If you’ve been wondering how to make friends as an adult, or asking yourself “why do I feel so lonely?”, even when you know many people, you’re not alone.
In my therapy and coaching work at Growing Self Counseling & Coaching, one of the most common concerns people share is the confusing experience of feeling lonely even with friends.
On the surface, people may appear socially connected. They have coworkers, acquaintances, and online communities. Yet internally, many people experience a quiet sense of disconnection. Something deeper feels missing.
Often, the missing ingredient isn’t more people. It’s emotional intimacy.
True adult friendship is not simply about being around people or exchanging messages. Real friendship means feeling understood, emotionally safe, and genuinely known. However, creating that kind of connection requires something most of us were never taught: friendship skills.
In this episode of Love, Happiness and Success, I speak with Barnet Bain about why making friends as an adult can feel difficult and how people can build deeper relationships in a world that often feels disconnected.
Why Adult Friendship Feels Harder Than It Used To
Many people assume friendship should happen naturally. As children, it often does. Kids spend time together in shared environments and friendships grow organically.
However, making friends as an adult is very different.
Our lives become structured around work, responsibilities, and routines. At the same time, many social spaces that once helped people connect have disappeared. Fewer environments exist where adults naturally meet new people and build adult friendships.
As a result, many people quietly struggle with questions like:
- Why do I feel so lonely?
- Why do I feel lonely even though I have friends?
- Why does connection feel harder than it used to?
These experiences are incredibly common. In fact, loneliness has become such a widespread issue that the U.S. Surgeon General described it as a major public health concern in the advisory on social connection and community (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2023).
Research also shows that strong social connection plays a critical role in health and longevity (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015). Humans are wired for connection. As Baumeister and Leary explained in their research on the human need to belong, relationships are a fundamental psychological motivation (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).
Because connection matters so much, it can feel deeply painful when adult friendship doesn’t come easily.
If you want a deeper exploration of this challenge, you might also enjoy reading: Why It’s So Hard to Make New Friends as an Adult.
Friendship Skills Most Adults Were Never Taught
One of the most important insights from this conversation is simple but powerful: friendship is not just something that happens automatically.
Friendship is a practice.
Most of us learned basic social manners growing up. We learned how to compete, perform, and succeed. However, very few people were ever taught the friendship skills that support emotional intimacy in adult relationships.
These skills include:
- Staying emotionally present during conversations
- Tolerating differences in perspective
- Responding to vulnerability with care
- Maintaining connection even during uncomfortable moments
Psychologists have long recognized that intimacy grows through mutual openness and responsiveness in relationships (Reis & Shaver, 1988).
Without these relational skills, people can spend time together yet still experience feeling lonely even with friends.
If you’d like more ideas for strengthening your social connections, you might also enjoy: How to Have More (Real) Friends.
The Hidden Barrier to Emotional Intimacy in Adult Friendship
A surprising barrier to connection often appears when people try to help each other.
Many people instinctively try to fix a friend’s problem when someone shares something painful. While the intention is good, this reaction can unintentionally block emotional intimacy.
Instead of solving the problem immediately, meaningful connection usually comes from listening and responding with empathy.
That is why emotional safety plays such an important role in healthy relationships. When people feel emotionally safe, they can share honestly and deepen connection. You can explore this concept further in our article on emotional safety.
Creating emotional safety is one of the most powerful friendship skills anyone can develop.
Why the Modern World Can Make People Feel Lonely Even With Friends
Today’s digital environment shapes how we interact with one another. Social media platforms often show us information that reinforces our existing perspectives. As a result, many people spend more time interacting inside curated bubbles of belief and opinion.
While technology connects people in many ways, some research suggests that certain patterns of social media use may be associated with loneliness and social anxiety (O’Day & Heimberg, 2021). Importantly, this research does not establish causation. However, it highlights how digital environments may influence how people experience connection.
At the same time, many adults report feeling lonely even with friends. Researchers frequently measure loneliness using tools like the UCLA Loneliness Scale (Russell, 1996), which helps psychologists better understand how social isolation affects wellbeing.If this resonates with you, you might also appreciate this article: Feeling Lonely? How to Find True Friendship in a Frantic World.
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