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Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC( PhD, LP, LMFT, BCC )
Breakups are some of the most painful and challenging experiences one can endure, especially when the decision to end the relationship wasn’t mutual. However, you have the power to be the hero of your story, reclaim your life, and emerge stronger and more resilient.
As a marriage and family therapist and breakup and divorce recovery expert, I can assure you that it’s possible to come out of this experience feeling good about yourself, at peace with being single, grateful that your relationship ended, and confident in your ability to have a better experience in your next relationship.
But it doesn’t always feel that way, especially when ending the relationship wasn’t your choice. I’ve helped countless heartbroken clients in breakup therapy and I can tell you, getting dumped is inherently disempowering. It upends your life and sets you off on a journey of heartache that you never asked for. And even if you were the one who called it quits in the relationship, it’s likely that your hand was forced in one way or another.
So, how do you take your power back after a breakup, and start feeling like yourself again? Let’s discuss.
If you’d prefer to listen, I’ve also recorded an episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast on this topic. You can find it in the player on this page, or on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.
Becoming Self-Empowered After a Breakup
Investing in personal growth after a breakup is crucial to your healing process. Without this investment, people often find themselves stuck in a cycle of helplessness and perceived victimhood, which only makes dating harder and causes issues in future relationships. It also keeps you stuck and feeling like crap, rather than healing and moving forward.
This is a common pitfall in the healing journey. To help you understand where you are and what you need to move forward, I encourage you to take my breakup quiz. It’s a valuable tool that can provide insight into your current phase of recovery, and guide your next steps.
Breakups can leave us feeling powerless, especially when they are unexpected or unwanted. It’s easy to get super focused on your ex or external circumstances beyond your control. This disempowerment can hinder your healing process and negatively impact your self-esteem. When we don’t take steps to reclaim our power, we risk carrying the emotional baggage from the breakup into future relationships, potentially sabotaging them before they even begin.
When you actively work becoming self-empowered again, you invest in your personal growth and emotional well-being. This not only helps you heal from the breakup but also equips you with the tools to create healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future. It allows you to transform the narrative of your breakup from a story of loss, to one of empowerment and growth.
Here are some steps that will help you on your journey:
Step One: Focus on What You Can Control
The first step in taking your power back is shifting your focus from your ex back where it belongs: on yourself and your life. This is empowering because it requires you to turn to the things that are within your control. That’s where all of your power is.
Things that are within your control:
- Your Actions: How you respond to the breakup, the steps you take to heal, whether you try to stay friends with your Ex or go no contact, what you do with your time. This is all within your control.
- The Stories You Tell Yourself: The narrative you create about what happened and why the relationship ended is within your control. This includes reframing the breakup in a way that supports your growth, rather than beating yourself up or telling yourself stories that make you feel hopeless and helpless.
- Self-Care: How you care for yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally after a breakup matters, and it’s all up to you. If you choose to get some exercise, eat well, get plenty of sleep, spend time with friends, and / or seek support from a good breakup therapist, you are taking intentional, positive steps toward healing. Remember, you can do these things even if you feel terrible on the inside while you’re doing them. It still counts!
Focusing on what you can control is a powerful way to regain a sense of agency and stability when it feels like your life is falling apart. When you concentrate on your own actions, thoughts, and behaviors, you empower yourself to make positive changes and move forward. This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings or pretending the breakup didn’t happen; heartbreak is very real and your pain is valid. But you can acknowledge the pain while also recognizing that you have agency over what you do with it.
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