“I can’t stop thinking about him.”
“I want to move on but she is in my mind night and day.”
“Maybe he is the one and I should wait until he changes his mind.”
“I hate him.”
“I love her.”
Who of us doesn’t relate to being consumed by love and obsessed with a lover? Why is it people become like spiteful adolescents when love ends?
Why can it be so excruciating for some people to move on after a relationship ends?
Sometimes relationships end for no reason at all. Sometimes there is cheating. Sometimes indifference kills it. Even though you have to move on, you can be very stuck.
In my case, a whirlwind romance with an irresistible man turned me into a mindless I-must-have-him machine. The sex was red hot at first. I was 50, adorable, separated and slogging through the divorce process. (Little did I know that men are really good at seducing just such women.)
The more turned on I got, the more he withdrew. I thought about him constantly. But, even though he showed great interest in me at first….special emphasis on ‘at first’, my constant emails and text messages began to take their toll. On me.
I was addicted as sure as if he were oxycontin. Did you know that the same part of the brain that gets addicted is in charge of love? Fuck. Check this out:
“Romantic love is an addiction,” says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University. “My guess is that our modern addictions — nicotine, drugs, sex, gambling — are simply hijacking this ancient brain pathway that evolved millions of years ago, that evolved for romantic love. The brain system evolved to focus your energy on an individual and start the mating process.”
Dr. Fisher is sure right. I watched my phone, checked to make sure it was on, cherished the messages he left me, printed the late night sexcapades, rearranged my life to suit his schedule….I know I don’t need to go on!
I hadn’t had sex like that in years. All I know is I craved him like a love struck teenager. Even though I could feel how stupidly I was acting, I had zero will to stop.
The fiery chemistry that happened in the beginning started to fizzle out after 2 or 3 months. No, that is a lie. It started to fizzle nearly from the start. Turns out he was a quickie fan, like the other men in my past. But it didn’t matter. I craved him beyond reason.
Then, he ghosted me. Disappeared without a word. Gone.
The first couple of weeks, I held out hope that he would miss me so desperately that he would call, beg forgiveness and sweep me off my feet again.
Two more weeks and I was ready to be done with him but I kept wondering what I had done wrong. Wasn’t it real? The chemistry was real, that’s for sure. Miserable, I limped through my days unable to keep my mind off of him.
By then I was sick and tired of moping around. I started to get mad. How dare he ditch me like that, the dirty rat. (I used stronger words.) Somehow that anger kicked me in the ass and I realized I had to say goodbye to that ghost lover (my term for the man who left and the dream of what might have developed with him).
These are the steps I followed, see if they give you the motivation to get yourself back into the emotional balance. Good Luck! I know you can do this!!
Five Steps To Moving On And Leaving A Lover Behind (even though it sucks.)
Step #1 – Face The Facts
Ok, this is no fun, but facing the fact that you are hooked on this person is the first and most essential step. Yes, you feel foolish. No, you don’t want to give up on them. But how are you feeling? Empowered? Strong? Probably not.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself, “So I do love him/her. So what? She/He doesn’t want to be with me right now. This really hurts and I hate it! I want to learn to let him/her go. I want to think about what I want to think about and not about them. I’m worth it.”
If you tell yourself this new version of your situation (you can use mine if you can’t think of your own) every day for a week, you will empower yourself for the next steps.
Step #2 – Embrace Your Self
That was then and this is now. Face it, you aren’t the only person to have experienced this kind of heart ache. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can. As you look back to the beginnings of this relationship, let yourself remember how good it felt.
If he/she wasn’t the one, those same good feelings are out there for you with a new person. Embracing the you that fell for him rather than criticizing yourself for what you perceive as an error in judgment will build your sense of self esteem and equip you for the next step.
When you catch yourself picking on yourself, ask, “Would I talk to my best friend the way I am talking to myself?”
Step #3 – The Him/Her or Better Box
Now is when this gets fun. Each thought that you think about him has emotional energy attached to it. Some is positive, some is negative. The energy you are using to think these thoughts uses creative energy you could be investing in other parts of your life….your art, your career, your friendships, etc.
There is a way to reclaim and reassign this energy and your imagination is the gateway. We are going to create an imaginary “Him/Her or Better Box”. It is best to name the box specifically, so use the name of your Ex instead of Him/her. Close your eyes and imagine a box about the size of a recipe file.
It may show up in color, if not, make it any color you please. Allow your imagination to decorate it with any ribbons, jewels or symbols that might appear. If yours is a plain white box…that is ok, too. There is no right or wrong. Your goal is to ‘capture’ the thoughts about your ex and to place them in the box.
The reason we call it a “My Ex or Better Box” is so that if she/he does come back, you are banking all of this energy toward reconnecting with him then. (Use your ex’s name) After all, he/she is not in your life right now anyway so why waste time and energy thinking about them now.
The ‘or Better’ just says to the Universe, and to you, that you are banking on new love in your life and that you are stockpiling the emotional energy for your next partner. If your partner comes back, you can start from fresh, as if it were new love. Either way, you are prepared energetically.
Step #4 – Capturing Those Pesky Thoughts.
Learning to capture and control your thoughts serves a dual purpose. One, you have highly tangible evidence that that you can direct your own thinking. Two, you immediately reclaim the energy for your own life and are free to assign it to where you want it to go.
It may seem daunting to control your thoughts about your ex…believe me I have been there! That is why it is good to start slow and practice. The moment you are aware that you are thinking about them, stop, acknowledge the thought for a moment, then in your minds eye, place a bubble around it and put it into your box.
At first, you may only get three thoughts a day into the box but hang in there. This stuff really works. Remember…it is a My Ex or Better Box…it begins to feel really good to bank these thoughts for what’s ahead and you are prepared whether he comes back or not!
If this is difficult for you to imagine, get a real box and some small pieces of paper. Name your box and then write out the thought you are having and place it in the box. Either way, this technique is guaranteed to lift your spirits and get you some energy to move forward.
The first week you will be amazed at how many thoughts go into the box. By the third week, you will notice a difference in the frequency of the thoughts and also by the change in your mood and perspective. You will be feeling much better at this point and ready for the final step.
Step #5 – Writing the New Script
At this point you may be feeling stronger and more in control. You are more balanced emotionally and have some degree of objectivity. Now, get a piece of paper and write out five to ten things about your previous relationship that were not working for you on the left side of the paper, the more ideas you can come up with, the better. For example:
He didn’t like to see movies.
He wasn’t as affectionate as I wanted.
He didn’t call when he said he would.
He hated to dance.
On the right side of the paper, create a list of the attributes of your ideal partner. Base your list on what it was about the ghost lover that disappointed you. For Example:
He didn’t like to see movies, becomes: He loves to see films of all types at least once a week.
She wasn’t as affectionate as I wanted, becomes: She holds my hand where ever we go and hugs me frequently.
She didn’t call when she said he would, becomes: She is very considerate and calls when she says he will.
You get the idea. Now, go back over the list and cross out each of the items on the left with gusto. By time you follow through with the fifth key, you are well on your way to leaving your former love behind.
Yes, you will still think of your ex occasionally and yes it will still hurt. However, reviewing these lists will confirm to you the benefit of moving on.
As your thoughts about your ex get less and less frequent you will not only feel better, you will be amazed at how much energy you have to invest in the rest of your life. You will get more done and experience more joy than you have in months.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you would then meet the One (is there one?)and never have to detach again? Ha! As you continue to enter into future casual and intimate relationships, there will always be challenges to keeping your thoughts under control but…and this is a big but each time you go through these 5 Keys, it will get easier and easier for you to see clearly what it is you do and don’t want in a partner.
No one knows what is best for you better than you do. Learning to hear from and trust your own intuition will light the way for your future.
Wonder about Your Sabotage Style? Take the Love Sabotage Assessment and check it out for free: TakeTheSoulmateQuiz.com
