If you’re breaking up when you’re still in love but on different paths, it’s evident neither of you is willing to adjust. You’re both set on doing your own things and don’t feel the desire to overcome differences and problems.
You consider your lives too different (perhaps even incompatible) and can’t imagine staying together and working things out.
The only solution you see is a breakup as quitting instantly helps you stop worrying about each other’s differences and encourages you to prioritize your own goals, needs, and values.
Quitting allows you to take your mind off the problems you’re not ready or capable of addressing and allows you to invest energy and time in parts of your life that are more important to you.
Know that relationships can work when people are on different paths. It may not be easy, but with love, communication, and commitment, success and happiness can be achieved. Couples can stay together and get on the same path despite thinking their relationship isn’t worth the effort.
To do that, though, they need to be patient, understanding, and willing to adjust a little.
I suppose the problem is that people don’t want to change, adjust, or wait for their partner to achieve his or her goals. They want everything life has to offer right away so they can focus on things that matter to them the most.
Such things give them pleasure or help them avoid pain.
Because they prioritize their wants and feelings in the present moment and put a higher priority on things outside of the relationship, they set unrealistic expectations for themselves and break up with their partner when investing in their partner becomes emotionally draining.
Their emotions basically convince them that staying with their partner is difficult and that they’d be happier if they were single or with someone else.
Maybe things would be easier, but there would be other issues too.
Usually, it’s not the differences in paths that break couples up (we all have different things we want to do and different methods for achieving them).
It’s their lack of flexibility, patience, and healthy relationship mentality that causes them to break up. Couples who split because they’re on different paths in life go their separate ways because they stop believing in each other and appreciating everything they did for each other.
They don’t remember the reasons they fell in love and instead, focus on things that aren’t working. By doing so, they emotionally exhaust themselves and give up on each other. Giving up lets them be free and saves them from arguing and feeling pressured and hurt.
So bear in mind that goals in life are important, but they’re not as important as communication, love, commitment, and appreciation. When couples truly love each other and want the best for each other, they make the impossible happen.
They resolve their differences because they want to support each other and don’t mind putting their goals aside for a while.
Today’s topic is “Breaking up when you’re still in love but on different paths.” We discuss what being on different paths really means and what your options are.
Breaking up when you’re still in love but on different paths
If you examine successful couples, you’ll realize they all have one thing in common. They’re all willing to sacrifice their happiness for their partner and the relationship—and by doing so, deepen their bond, love, and commitment.
They don’t give up just because they aren’t as lovey-dovey as they used to be.
Sacrifice doesn’t mean you must drop everything and live entirely for your partner. It means that you understand and support your partner despite not getting much or anything out of the decisions he or she makes.
Sacrifice and selflessness are needed for your partner to see you have his or her best interests at heart.
Without selflessness, your partner won’t be happy. Conversely, he or she will feel uncared for and eager to pursue his or her goals and happiness without you.
All in all, it comes down to how set people are in their ways. If a man wants to go abroad for work or studies and isn’t planning on staying together because of the distance, it’s not the distance per se that destroys his relationship but his interpretation of the distance (the problems it could create) and his lack of commitment.
Similarly, if a woman wants to break up because she wants two kids as opposed to her partner who only wants one, she’s convinced that 2 are better than 1 and that she must have 2 no matter what.
To her, having two kids may be very important, but it doesn’t have to be an incompatibility and the end of the relationship. She merely has a different opinion/wish engraved into her mind that she could or rather should be more flexible about.
If a couple loves each other, this or any relationship topic should be open for discussion. They should be able to resolve it with honest, but empathetic dialogue.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but one child more or less also shouldn’t be a dealbreaker for couples who’ve been together for years. If they love each other, someone needs to compromise for the sake of love. I can’t say who should yield, but it should probably be the guy as he has the power to fulfill his partner’s dreams.
If it’s financially impossible for him or if he has some other issue with having more children, then his partner should be the one to adjust. I suppose it depends on each couple’s situation.
The point is that people need to have some flexibility because they’ll never find a person who’s exactly like them. No matter how hard they look, they’ll only find people who agree with some things and disagree with others.
That’s why the key to a successful long-term relationship is to accept the person you’re compatible with and capable of communicating, agreeing, and growing with.
If you can do that, no life goal or person will ever look more attractive than your spouse.
They won’t be better because you’ll:
- Grow with your spouse
- Create a fulfilling life with your spouse
- And get attached to your spouse
The only time that breaking up when you’re still in love but on different paths is acceptable in my opinion is when you and your partner aren’t prepared to put yourselves in each other’s shoes, support each other, and agree to things.
If you become resentful, toxic, or incapable of looking for solutions and resolving problems, you should break up and focus on improving yourselves and enjoying your lives. That way, you’ll both save yourselves the trouble of staying a couple for the sake of being together.
You may really like each other, but keep in mind that most people don’t break up if they’re in love. They break up because love (the rational and emotional part of commitment is gone) and feel no desire or need to get on the same page with each other.
They just want to focus on things that distract them and make them happy.
Most people think love is just the way they feel about their partner and the way they feel after breaking up. They completely forget to put their thoughts and plans with their ex into the equation.
That’s why they often tell their ex they still love him or her and confuse the hell out of their ex. They think they still have romantic feelings for their ex when in reality, they just feel bad, lonely, or nostalgic.
So remember, love is a craving to be with your partner and a fear of losing him or her (possibly to someone else). There is no love when you want to break up and pursue your own goals and dreams.
You may care about that person, want the best for him or her, and feel sad about the relationship ending, but the moment you prioritize your goals and dreams over your partner, you show you’re willing to move on without your partner.
It’s not that you just love yourself sufficiently, but you also don’t love your partner. You’ve decided the work and commitment required to put into the relationship because of the different paths you’re on isn’t worth the joy you get out of it.
That means you, your partner, or both have convinced each other you’re not going to compromise your beliefs and goals and that you don’t want to waste any more time and feelings on the relationship.
You have plans that don’t involve each other.
So don’t look for excuses to justify the breakup and say you love your partner but can’t be with him or her. If you truly loved this person, you would have done everything in your power to get on the same path with him or her.
When there’s a will there’s a way. And clearly, there is no will left.
Since you haven’t discussed other options or haven’t been able to agree to them, you’re now left with no choice but to go your separate ways and pursue your own goals.
You should give each other space to process the separation and focus on yourselves for a while.
That said, here are some things people aren’t willing to change or sacrifice for their partner.
- move closer to their partner and abandon their friends, family, job, and comfort
- wait for their partner to finish school and find work
- lower their expectations to get married and have kids
- adjust their lifestyles and mature
- support their partner’s dreams and stay together if they can’t benefit from their partner
If you have trouble bonding and aren’t a match character-wise, breaking up makes perfect sense. You don’t have any other option as you probably made a hasty decision to commit to each other before you got to fully know each other.
But if one of you isn’t ready to settle down, wants to party instead of focus on the relationship, date other people, and move to the other side of the planet for a few years to experience different cultures, then you clearly aren’t on the same path and have no intention of getting on the same path.
You both value different things in life and should break up to give each other space to grow and be happy. You shouldn’t try to interfere with each other’s goals and shape each other into the people you aren’t and want each other to be.
You probably need to go through certain experiences and life stages before your interests can align.
I don’t know if they ever will, but if your ex currently thinks you’re not on the same path, you should understand that no begging and crying will change the outcome of the relationship.
It will probably only complicate things.
That’s why you need to be careful when you’re picking partners. You need to make sure that your potential partner’s personality is compatible with yours and that you want the same things in life.
One way to make sure you’re a good match is to ask plenty of questions and avoid rushing things. Get to know each other before committing and see what you want and don’t want. If differences are only minor, you can probably proceed with the relationship and compromise as the relationship progresses.
You can overcome problems as they arise.
The problem is that some people say they want one thing but actually don’t. Or they change their mind later and want something else. In that case, you should communicate with your partner and see if his or her opinion is only temporary and open for discussion.
If it is, you can work on making sure you’re on the same path. And if it’s not, it’s time to pack your things and leave.
Other important things you should pay attention to when picking partners are emotional maturity, relationship mentality, age difference, culture, upbringing, and stage in life. You want to make certain that you and your partner are both in the same or about to be in the same stage in life and that you’re going to grow with each other.
If one of you significantly outgrows the other, your relationship could become imbalanced in terms of maturity, goals, and power—and could cause problems and even a breakup.
So take the time to get to know people before you decide to be with them. By taking things slow, you’ll minimize the risk of losing common goals, getting on different paths, and disconnecting emotionally.
Having said that, here are some examples of when couples are on different paths.
What to do when you’re breaking up because of different paths?
If haven’t broken up yet and you’re not sure about breaking up, figure out if you really are on different paths. Sometimes relationships go through difficult times and feel strange or confusing. That doesn’t mean couples are on different paths but that they need to put their faith in the relationship and be patient and understanding.
Don’t assume you’re on different paths with your partner if your partner just likes to have a good time on Fridays and needs a year or two to reach a stage where he or she starts being more serious and relationship-focused. That’s probably just immaturity and a sign a person needs to evolve.
A different path is something that prohibits the relationship from growing. Something like not wanting any children when the other person wants them. Different expectations can put immense pressure on the relationship and cause couples to mentally deplete each other.
If that’s the case with you, you obviously shouldn’t stay with each other. You should break up so you can recover and meet people who are on different paths, have the same priorities, and are willing to experience life in similar ways.
I know it’s hard to break up with someone you care about, but if you made a bad/hasty decision to be with this person, you’ll do yourself and your partner a huge favor. You’ll let yourself and your partner focus on things you consider important and feel a weight lifted off your shoulders.
To get through this, work on yourself and forgive yourself for making mistakes, hurting your partner, and/or drifting apart.
Life gets better when you understand the relationship was doomed from the start.
Are you breaking up when you’re still in love but on different paths? What’s the reason for breaking up? Share your thoughts and feelings in the comments section below.
However, if you’d prefer to discuss your relationship or breakup with us, click here to learn more about our coaching programs.
