Don’t Make Things Mean Anything About You

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So often, we interpret people’s words and actions, and our own actions, to mean something fundamental about ourselves:

• Someone being upset means that I’ve done something bad — as opposed to they’re just having an emotion
• Someone feeling disappointed means I am a disappointment — as opposed to they’re just feeling disappointment
• Someone saying anything negative about my work means I suck — as opposed to it just being feedback that might help me improve
• Someone not doing something thoughtful for me (getting me a coffee in the morning) means they don’t care about me — instead of it just being about them being busy or not realizing I wanted a coffee
• Me not beign on track with a goal means I am not good enough and should quit — as opposed to the idea that this is just how things are progressing

I could go on and on — we read meaning into everything, and it’s usually something about our value or worthiness.

I encourage you to notice when you’re doing this. You can notice because you’re feeling upset, hurt, discouraged, frustrated, angry, disappointed. Those are totally valid feelings to have! But you can investigate them, and ask, “What am I making this mean about myself?”

There’s always something there.

Then ask, “What if this doesn’t mean anything about me? What could it mean instead of something about me?”

By doing this, you might remove some of the emotional charge in this situation for yourself. And this opens up the possibility of having more peace and openness, and a whole new range of responses.

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This post was previously published on Zen Habits. Uncopyright courtesy Leo Babauta.

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