Dumpees are emotional, so they often think they can make their ex feel how they feel by sending him an emotional message. Little do they know that their ex is incapable of feeling emotional because of them and that any attempts to do so will backfire big time.
It will make their ex feel suffocated, overwhelmed, guilt-tripped, and stuck in a situation he doesn’t want to be in.
Those who send an emotional message to their ex soon find out that pouring their heart out after the breakup is one of the biggest breakup mistakes they could make.
Not only do emotional texts and calls make their ex feel extremely uncomfortable, but they also portray dumpees as desperate ex-partners who project their anxiety and unrequited love onto the person who didn’t ask for it.
Post-breakup emotional texts, letters, and emails haven’t brought any exes closer. They have only increased the emotional distance between them and made dumpers run for the hills.
That’s why you need to be careful about sending your ex-boyfriend an emotional message. You need to keep in mind that as badly as you want your ex to reciprocate your feelings, your ex isn’t emotionally ready for such messages.
Your ex isn’t receptive to them because your ex left you due to the inability and unwillingness to reciprocate your emotions and expectations.
If you tell your ex how badly you miss him and that you’re truly thankful for everything he did for you, you’ll put him in a tight spot because the guy doesn’t want unnecessary praise and attention.
He wants emotional messages from his new/potential partner, not his ex-partner. Ex-partners overwhelm him whereas new partners actually make him feel good.
So if you’re thinking about sending an emotional message to your ex-boyfriend, know that you want to do that for yourself, not him. You want the guy to feel your love and adoration and respond in a similar fashion.
If you truly cared about him, you wouldn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. You’d send unemotional messages (messages that don’t evoke any pressuring emotions) or no message at all.
If he’s not reaching out to you and communicating with you, the latter is better. You don’t want to talk to him when he’s still processing the breakup and enjoying his freedom.
Dumpers need lots of space and time to focus on themselves. If you bother them and try to make them feel certain emotions, you’ll leave them with no choice but to think you’re starving for attention and that you don’t know when to quit.
Perceptions like that could make the guy ignore you, block you, or respond angrily.
If you don’t want him to reject you with an angry/disinterested tone, I suggest you don’t send your ex-boyfriend an emotional message. Don’t send him anything at all because as long as he’s your ex-boyfriend, he doesn’t want nor deserve your attention, gratitude, praise, and love.
He needs to see you’ve stopped thinking about him and reaching out. That’s the only way he’ll respect you, get curious, and wonder about you.
Therefore, even though your heart tells you to send him emotional messages, I strongly encourage you to refrain from doing so. Remind yourself that your feelings are deceiving you and that sending your ex messages he isn’t ready for will ruin his respect, feelings, curiosity, and any desire to be with you.
Guys especially despise emotional messages. They don’t know how to handle them because it’s not in their nature to be so emotional. They are rational people who expect to be left alone after the breakup. Space lets them self-prioritize whereas emotional communication pressures them and makes them feel angry and annoyed.
I know there are a ton of websites suggesting you should send an emotional message to your ex. Heck, some of them even have hundreds of messages prepared for you to copy and send to your ex. But what the owners of those sites don’t know or care about is that their messages make you look extremely anxious, needy, and desperate.
They achieve the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve, which is to look confident, attractive, mature, and emotionally independent. You’re trying to reattract your ex, right, not scare your ex away and brand yourself as someone who wouldn’t take the hint that the relationship has ended.
If you want the best for yourself as well as your ex-boyfriend, don’t do anything rash. Don’t send him gifts, love letters, texts, or anything he doesn’t expect or ask for. The guy broke up with you for a reason, which is to avoid feeling pressured and bad for not wanting to reciprocate your actions and emotions.
If you ignore his lack of interest and try to force the relationship, you’ll see how he responds to exes who don’t respect his decisions and feelings.
In today’s post, we talk about the emotional messages you wish to send your ex-boyfriend to impress him and get back together with him. We explain why sending emotion-evoking messages is a bad idea and what you should do to stop the urge to reach out.
Why is it wrong to send your ex-boyfriend an emotional message?
It’s wrong to send an emotional message to your ex-boyfriend because your ex didn’t ask for it and doesn’t want it. Your ex is a dumper, which means that he’s going through completely different post-breakup stages than you.
Your ex feels relieved and elated while you feel anxious, rejected, and desperate for love and connection. If you act on your desperation and try to stop your ex from feeling elated and free, your ex won’t like it one bit. He’ll think you’re being pushy and that you only care about yourself and your feelings.
That will significantly lower his respect for you and empower your ex in ways no person should ever feel empowered. It will essentially make your ex more determined about the breakup and less interested in conversing and bonding with you.
Whatever you do, don’t think that your ex is an exception to what I just said and that you’ll be able to somehow melt your ex’s heart and encourage him to come back.
If reconciliations were that easy, most dumpees would get their ex back. They would beg and plead with their ex for a while and promise to do better next time. That would make their ex regret leaving them because begging is an extremely emotional/desperate gesture.
But sadly, begging and various emotional gestures don’t accomplish what you want them to. They only suffocate dumpers and push them further away. They make dumpers see that their ex doesn’t respect them and himself and that they’re welcome to treat their ex no better than he treats himself.
The reason emotional gestures don’t work is that they happen on dumpees’ terms while dumpers are emotionally detached and done with the relationship. They have no more romantic feelings and desire to see their ex differently because they’re convinced they already know their ex’s personality and capabilities.
If their ex tries to change their opinion and bring back their feelings, he immediately shows that he disagrees with their judgment, decisions, and opinions. And how do people who lost respect react to that?
Many times, they lose their cool and say or do something hurtful.
This can be anything from saying mean things to blocking the dumpee and demonstrating that love is gone and that it’s unrecoverable.
So if you feel tempted to send an emotional message to your ex-boyfriend and think things can’t get any worse than they already are, bear in mind that they can and they will.
If you don’t respect your ex’s need to self-prioritize and instead continue to demand emotional reciprocation, it’s only a matter of time before your ex gets tired of being patient with you and stops holding back.
Eventually, your ex will explode, ignore you, or do something you don’t want and aren’t ready for him to do. That will be your punishment for wanting your ex to feel emotional and do what you want him to do.
Always remember that your ex has fallen out of love and that you can’t make your ex fall back in love with you by force. You especially can’t make your ex love you by loving your ex. Unsolicited love makes things worse because it makes dumpers feel uncomfortable and brings a negative reaction out of them.
You should keep that in mind and do your best to control your emotions. Tell yourself there will be negative consequences if you reach out and unwantedly overwhelm your ex with anxiety and expectations.
Maybe your ex is mature and won’t respond in the worst way possible, but your ex will still feel pressured and unsafe.
Every time you do something that makes it difficult for your ex to converse with you, you unintentionally make yourself look bad and decrease the chances of your ex speaking to you of his own accord and being with you.
Emotional messages just don’t create the kind of results you want them to create. They don’t show you’re a good dating option and that your ex should get back with you before you move on and make someone else happy.
On the contrary, they guilt-trip your ex and make your ex glad things are finally over.
I need you to understand this so you don’t follow your heart on this. The breakup may tell you to pull off some big romantic gesture and impress your ex, but you need to remember that you can’t impress your ex when your ex is in an unimpressable state.
If you ignore my warning and try, you’ll smother your ex and suffer immensely when you learn that your ex doesn’t care about your emotional efforts and needs. You’ll suffer a huge emotional setback and need much longer to recover.
That’s why you shouldn’t send your ex-boyfriend any emotional messages. You shouldn’t tell him you think about him, love him, and still want him back. Your ex mustn’t know you’re hung up on him and trying to get back together.
If your ex knows this, your ex will push you away or use you for emotional support, friendship, or forgiveness. That will make you feel unimportant and even hungrier for your ex’s love and recognition.
So no matter how eager you are to communicate with your ex and profess your feelings to him, remind yourself that you can’t win your ex back with nice messages. It’s impossible because your ex needs to first get rid of negative perceptions of you and stop feeling unwanted emotions.
Not only that, but your ex must also find reasons to fall back in love with you. Your texts and calls aren’t good enough. Your ex needs a strong negative emotional incentive caused by something unpredictable and difficult to deal with.
When or if your ex finds a good reason to be with you, your ex will come to you and show you he’s ready to work on the relationship with you.
In the meantime, convince yourself that your ex isn’t secretly waiting to be impressed and wooed back and that he’s enjoying the moment and moving on. It’s something every dumper does and needs to do after exiting a serious romantic relationship.
Self-focus allows the dumper to distance himself from relationship obligations and guilt and helps him process the separation in ways he needs to process it.
As long as he doesn’t get reminded about how you feel and what you want, he can be free and happy and not think worse of you.
I know that the breakup makes you feel anxious and unhappy and that you want to talk about relationship problems with your ex, but this won’t happen while your ex feels smothered by you. Your ex is currently not capable of accepting your love and returning it.
He’s emotionally exhausted from the end of the relationship and needs to stop feeling obligated to help you and be with you.
To help your ex with that, let your ex rest by starting no contact or staying in no contact if you’ve already started it. Show him you accept the breakup, respect his decision, understand his lack of feelings, and want the best for him even if he doesn’t want to be with you.
Leaving your ex alone will make him feel way better emotions than if you pester him with emotional messages and expectations. It will make him respect you or at the very least not hate you and show you how little you mean to him.
So remember that the guy doesn’t want reminders that you’re hurting and not willing to move on. He wants to avoid feeling guilty and thinking he’s responsible for helping you get through the breakup.
Now that you’re exes, he expects you to deal with your problems on your own.
Therefore, steer clear of emotional messages that intend to magically fix your ex’s emotional blockades and make your ex feel love for you again. Magical messages don’t exist because your ex needs to first fail in some important way, reflect deeply, notice his mistakes, and redevelop feelings for you.
Here’s why you shouldn’t send an emotional message to your ex-boyfriend.
If you think about it, you’re trying to skip to the last stage and make your ex desire you right away. That’s not going to happen because unhappiness makes your ex associate certain thoughts and feelings with you.
Those thoughts and feelings can only be disassociated deliberately with an incentive (pain and failure) and effort. Don’t assume you can make the job easier for your ex just by emotionally investing in your ex.
You’re no longer a couple, so any attempt at changing your ex’s mind will only make you look persistent, weak, and unattractive.
That being said, here are some examples of emotional messages you should never send text your ex-boyfriend:
- I miss you so much, you’re my everything
- I can’t stop thinking about you
- I want to hug you tight and show you how much you mean to me
- Life is not the same without you
- I’m extremely grateful for your love and everything you did for me
- I wish you’d give me a chance to prove myself to you
- I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness and love
- Let me know what I can do to win you back
Emotional messages, quotes, and anything that intends to impress your ex will do more damage than good. You need to resist the temptation to contact your ex out of respect for your ex and yourself.
What can I do instead of sending an emotional message to my ex-boyfriend?
Instead of overwhelming your ex-boyfriend with emotional messages and paragraphs, remind yourself that talking to your ex about the relationship, breakup, feelings, regrets, and expectations will destroy your ex’s interest, curiosity, and doubts about the breakup.
It will make your ex run away faster than greased lightning and leave you confused and anxious because you’ll see that you’ve pushed your ex away and made it harder for him to appreciate you.
When you feel this constant drive to woo your ex back with emotions of love, attachment, and devotion, remember that your ex will hate it and feel tempted to respond angrily with disapproval. That should be enough to stay away from your ex.
If it’s not, take a pen and paper and write down everything you want to say to your ex. Go all out and prepare it for your ex to read. That will probably help you feel better as you’ll get the things you’ve been wanting to say off your chest.
But before you actually send the letter, throw it away. Discard it, shred it, burn it, or do anything you want with it. Just don’t send it to your ex or people your ex associates with. Your ex can’t know how you feel and what’s on your mind.
He needs to be kept in the dark about your post-breakup emotions and cravings. That’s the only way he’ll respect you and get curious about you.
So instead of telling or showing your ex how you feel, find a way to deal with your compulsion to reach out. Put your feelings down on paper, think about the consequences of professing feelings to an ex, and talk to friends or a therapist.
It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you don’t rely on your ex for healing and self-love. Detachment is something you have to achieve without your ex’s help.
To sum up, forget about sending your ex-boyfriend emotional messages and figure out how to deal with your urges. Once you’ve figured it out, you’ll see that your ex doesn’t want your messages and that you’re much happier when you stay busy and keep your mind off your ex.
I hope you’ve learned why sending your ex emotional messages is a waste of time and energy and why you need to focus on yourself and those who value you. Share your thoughts with us in the comments below.
Lastly, if you’re looking for someone to confide in and want our help analyzing the breakup and making plans, click here to sign up for our coaching program.
