Finding Forgiveness | Growing Self Counseling and Coaching

Finding forgiveness can feel deceptively simple in theory and deeply complicated in real life. Many people come to counseling and coaching carrying anger, regret, sadness, or other unhealthy feelings, wondering why they still feel emotionally stuck long after something painful has happened. If that resonates with you, you’re not alone. And this is often where the work of finding forgiveness truly begins.

In this episode of Love, Happiness and Success, I’m revisiting a conversation about finding forgiveness because it speaks directly to a struggle I see every day in my work as a Denver therapist. When unresolved emotions linger, they quietly shape our mindset, influence our well-being, and interfere with happiness. Finding forgiveness isn’t about pretending something didn’t hurt. It’s about learning how to create closure, move on, and feel happier, freer, and more like yourself again.

Why Finding Forgiveness Matters for Happiness and Well-Being

When forgiveness doesn’t happen, people often stay emotionally tethered to the past. Anger can harden into bitterness. Regret can deepen into shame. Sadness can quietly turn into resignation. Over time, these emotions erode happiness and well-being, even when life looks stable on the surface.

Finding forgiveness supports emotional health because it interrupts this cycle. Holding onto resentment or guilt keeps your nervous system activated and your mind replaying old stories. When you learn how to forgive, you give yourself permission to release what no longer serves you so you can grow and heal.

Research supports this idea. Studies show that forgiveness is associated with lower psychological distress and improved emotional well-being, largely through reductions in anger and increases in hope (Kim, Payne, & Lee Tracy, 2022).

Finding Forgiveness by Understanding the Two Types of Forgiveness

One of the most important distinctions I make in this episode is that forgiveness comes in two forms, and each requires different inner work.

The first is forgiving yourself. Many people struggle deeply with regret over past choices or actions. Even when others have forgiven them, they continue to punish themselves internally. In these moments, guilt can feel overwhelming. However, guilt isn’t always harmful. In fact, learning how to work with guilt constructively can strengthen relationships and support emotional growth, as explored in The Power of Guilt: How Feeling Bad Can Actually Improve Your Relationships.

Self-forgiveness begins with compassion. It means understanding who you were at the time, what emotions were driving your behavior, and why your actions made sense in that context – without excusing harm. When regret becomes evidence of growth rather than a life sentence, shame begins to loosen its grip. If regret continues to dominate your inner world, How to Deal with Regret can help you move toward resolution.

The second type of forgiveness involves forgiving someone else, especially when there has been no apology, no accountability, or no repair. This is often the harder path. Forgiving another person does not mean condoning what happened or minimizing your pain. Instead, it means choosing not to let anger or resentment continue to control your emotional life.

Finding Forgiveness When Emotions Feel Unhealthy

Anger, regret, and sadness are natural emotional responses to loss, betrayal, or disappointment. They become unhealthy when they remain unresolved. Many people tell themselves they should be over it by now, yet something inside still feels unfinished. Often, this tension is a signal that forgiveness and closure have not yet happened.

Finding forgiveness helps shift your mindset from rumination to release. Rather than replaying old stories, you learn how to acknowledge what happened without letting it define you. If your mind feels stuck in loops of overthinking, tools like How to Stop Overthinking and Achieve Inner Peace can support emotional regulation.

Psychological research also frames forgiveness as an emotion-regulation process that supports healthier coping and long-term well-being (Ho, Van Tongeren, & Worthington, 2020).

Creating Closure When the Other Person Doesn’t Change

One of the hardest realities people face is that closure doesn’t always come from the other person. You may never receive an apology. You may never feel fully understood. In these situations, finding forgiveness becomes an internal process rather than a relational one.

Creating closure might involve writing a letter you never send, acknowledging your own pain, or learning how to move forward even when letting go feels anxiety-provoking. If releasing the past feels frightening, How to Move Forward if “Letting Go” Makes You Anxious offers guidance for this delicate stage of healing. You may also find clarity through How to Get Closure.

Finding Forgiveness, Boundaries, and Conflict Repair

Another common fear is that forgiveness requires reopening yourself to harm. It does not. You can forgive and still maintain strong boundaries. Forgiveness is about emotional freedom, not access.

In healthy conflict and repair, forgiveness is supported by accountability and changed behavior. In situations involving betrayal or infidelity, repair requires sustained effort and transparency. Resources such as How to Forgive After Infidelity and Can Love Survive Betrayal? How to Rebuild Trust and Heal Together explore what meaningful repair can look like.

When the hurt exists within an ongoing relationship, learning How to Forgive Your Partner, When the Hurt Feels Big can help clarify whether forgiveness and continued connection are possible.

For those healing after relational loss, rebuilding self-worth is often part of the forgiveness process. How to Love Yourself After a Breakup: Repair Your Self Esteem offers guidance for this stage of healing.

Finding Forgiveness as a Path to Growth and Well-Being

At its core, finding forgiveness is a choice. It’s a decision to stop carrying emotional weight that no longer serves you. While feelings don’t disappear overnight, choosing forgiveness creates momentum toward healing, emotional clarity, and improved well-being.

Research shows that forgiveness is associated not only with better mental health but also with improved physical health outcomes and greater overall happiness (Mróz & Kaleta, 2023). When forgiveness becomes part of your mindset, it supports resilience, growth, and emotional freedom.

Support as You Grow and Heal

If this conversation brings up anger, regret, sadness, or a desire to create closure, you don’t have to navigate it alone. At Growing Self, we offer therapy and coaching for personal growth in a supportive, confidential environment. If you’d like help finding the right support, we invite you to schedule a free consultation. You’ll answer three quick questions, and we’ll help match you with the right counselor or coach to support your growth and well-being.

Finding forgiveness isn’t about forgetting the past. It’s about freeing yourself to move on and live fully in the present.

xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Resources:
Kim, J. J., Payne, E. S., & Lee Tracy, E. (2022). Indirect effects of forgiveness on psychological health through anger and hope: A parallel mediation analysis. Journal of Religion and Health, 61(5), 3729–3746. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-022-01518-4 

Ho, M. Y., Van Tongeren, D. R., & Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2020). The role of self-regulation in forgiveness: A regulatory model of forgiveness. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 1084. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01084 

Mróz, J., & Kaleta, K. (2023). Forgive, let go, and stay well! The relationship between forgiveness and physical and mental health in women and men: The mediating role of self-consciousness. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(13), 6229. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20136229