Getting Back With An Ex Requires Patience

If you’re trying to get another chance with your ex, you need to know that getting back with an ex requires patience. Patience is a virtue, especially in breakups as even the slightest mistake with the dumper can push the dumper away and ruin all your hard work and healing.

It can set you back emotionally and make your ex even more determined to keep moving on and enjoying life without you. Breakup mistakes not only make dumpers feel uncomfortable, but they also bring out the worst in them.

They force them to say and do things that hurt dumpees and make them even less patient and hopeful about getting back together.

So bear in mind that romantic reconciliation takes a lot of patience as well as time, self-control, perseverance, self-focus, detachment, and acceptance. It needs you to be self-aware, kind to yourself, and understanding of your ex’s wants and needs.

If you don’t know what your ex wants and needs and don’t respect your ex’s decision and lack of feelings, you probably won’t get your ex back because you’ll make your ex experience negative thoughts and emotions and indirectly force your ex to develop negative perceptions or resentment.

That’s why to get your ex back, you must do exactly the opposite of what your heart tells you to do. Instead of chasing your ex, begging for affection, promising changes, guilt-tripping your ex, and forcing yourself into your ex’s life without an invitation, you must act as if you have no feelings and cravings for validation and love.

You must be patient and live your life as if you have no plans to reconcile. That’s the only way your ex will feel relaxed, independent, and respected as an ex-partner and an individual.

A zero-expectation approach is the best reconciliation approach there is because your ex needs to feel in charge of his or her post-breakup life and see that you have your emotions and life under control.

You must never be desperate, put your life on hold for your ex (tell your ex you’ll wait for him or her), and show you’re incapable of finding your purpose on your own. Such low self-esteem behaviors will prove you expect your ex to fix your self-esteem problems for you and that you’re not ready to love yourself, let alone someone else.

As an ex who wants to reconcile and feel better, one of the most important things you need to do is retain your worth. This means no self-degrading comments and actions that give your ex unnecessary power and cause your ex to reject you, hurt you, humiliate you, and affect your self-esteem.

Your ex will never respect you if you don’t respect yourself.

Your ex might pity you and feel guilty, but aside from that, nothing will change in terms of love because love is highly dependent on respect. Without respect, your ex won’t see your romantic value. All your ex will see are reasons not to trust you with his or her happiness and health.

Therefore, self-respect and patience are essential. They prevent you from doing impulsive things that make you look and feel unattractive and decrease your chances of reconciliation. 

You shouldn’t expect your ex to become regretful if you portray yourself as a weak and desperate ex who’s in a hurry to get back together. You should expect your ex to feel pressured and disrespected and treat you no better than you treat yourself.

People are reactive beings, which is why your ex will likely feel uncomfortable by your behavior and react in hurtful, self-protective ways that make you feel even more unworthy and unneeded. And when you feel completely unneeded, chances are you’ll become depressed and perhaps even suicidal.

So if you’re trying to reconcile with your ex, know that getting back with an ex requires lots of understanding and patience. If you’re not patient, you’ll appear needy, and if you’re needy, you’ll smother your ex and push your ex away (perhaps even toward someone else).

I know you want your ex back right away, but that probably won’t happen when you want it to. Your ex won’t take the bite because you no longer have the power to influence your ex.

You lost the ability to do that and must now learn to accept the unfortunate turn of events. Consider it a chance to reflect on the breakup and improve your patience, self-control, and flaws.

That may not directly bring your ex back, but it will give your ex enough space to self-prioritize and not think any worse of you.

Your goal may be to make your ex realize your worth and feel positive emotions, but before you can do that, you must treat yourself and your ex with respect and be patient.

If you’re patient, you’ll respect your ex’s decision to leave and make it possible for your ex to redevelop feelings, provided that your ex fails in his or her quest for happiness.

In today’s article, we discuss why getting back with an ex requires patience and what you can do as a dumpee to maximize your chances of success.

Getting back with an ex requires patience

Getting back with an ex requires an insane amount of patience. It requires an understanding of what your ex is going through and the determination to give your ex a sufficient amount of space.

You need to respect your ex’s feelings and avoid making breakup mistakes because if you don’t, you’ll put your ex under pressure and regret acting on impulse as soon as your ex loses his or her patience and pulls away.

Patience is a huge part of the getting back together process. It’s necessary for your ex to do what he or she wants to do and for you to accept that your ex’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are out of your control.

Some people and things in life you just can’t control. And you need to come to terms with that as soon as possible. There’s no better time to realize and accept your powerlessness than after the breakup after you’ve seen how unreceptive and determined your ex is to keep moving on.

Always remember that your ex has a mind of his or her own and that your ex won’t let you emotionally close on your terms. Your ex can’t do it because your ex likes power and emotional independence and is keeping his or her guard up in case you try to change his or her mind.

So even though getting back with an ex requires patience, know that patience is just one of many things your ex needs from you. Your ex also needs you to live a fulfilling, busy, and developing life. He or she needs to see that your focus isn’t on the broken relationship but rather on moving toward certain goals.

It doesn’t matter what those goals are as long as they’re positive, self-distracting, and that they give you joy and purpose.

On the other hand, if you’re talking to your ex, meeting up, and preparing things to say to your ex with the intention of patiently getting back with your ex, then know that you’re wasting your time.

You’re forgetting that dumpers don’t realize their ex’s worth and feel the need or desire to be with their ex by talking to their ex. They see and feel their ex’s importance when their ex walks away from them and lives a happy life without them.

It’s the sense of urgency, combined with some negative event that triggers dumpers’ longing for the past. Unhappiness can make them so uncertain about their future that they start seeing their ex as their savior.

In other words, dumpers must get in big trouble and reflect on their problems and mistakes. Once they’ve done that, they can yearn for the past they experienced with their ex.

As I mentioned earlier, you need to be patient and present yourself in a positive light. Failure to do so will likely lead to a loss of respect and a decrease in nostalgia and comparisons.

Even if your ex becomes a bit more receptive over time, you probably won’t get another chance with your ex by talking to your ex. You’ll just prove you’re hung up on your ex and get friend-zoned.

You can prevent your ex from stringing you along by putting some boundaries in place. These boundaries are called the rules of no contact—and will help you give up on the idea of patiently reeling your ex back in.

You need to understand that as long as you’re interacting with your ex, you’re hurting yourself and complicating your healing process. You’re doing the opposite of what you need to be happy and look attractive.

That being said, here’s why getting back with an ex requires tons of patience.

Getting back with an ex requires patience because you need to learn to focus on yourself rather than your ex and wait for your ex to encounter some kind of unresolvable (self-esteem) problem or problems he or she needs your help (love) with.

If your ex gets hurt and sees life was easier with you by his or her side, your patience could pay off as it could make your ex value, covet, and crave your ability to deal with difficult situations and emotions.

Your ex could basically admire your resilience (emotional strength) and want to benefit from it.

Expect lots of ups and downs

Whether your goal is to get back with your ex or move on, expect to encounter many ups and downs. There will be good days where you feel in control of your emotions and don’t think much about your ex and bad days where you feel obsessed with your ex and desperate to converse and reconcile with your ex.

Such emotional swings are common and expected – especially in the first few months after the breakup when emotions run high. The good thing about these setback days is that they’ll decrease in quantity and intensity over time.

They’ll become more manageable and less tempting for you to act on them, provided you stay patient and committed to no contact.

Of course, don’t just do any no contact rule. If you do a 30-day no contact rule, you’ll only tolerate anxiety and force yourself to not reach out for 30 days.

That won’t improve your patience. It will merely sweep your attachment and cravings under the rug until the day you contact your ex.

So know that no contact is indefinite and that you must persevere through anxiety, nostalgia, and cravings to engage in conversation. The better you handle obsessive thoughts and negative emotions, the quicker you can expect to get over the breakup and get your happy self back.

This breakup is one of the worst experiences you’ll go through in life. It’s tough because it destroyed your self-esteem, exposed your weaknesses, and made you feel powerless and unimportant.

But despite that, you need to develop appropriate defense mechanisms and stay patient even if you don’t know what your ex is thinking, feeling, and doing.

Staying patient is necessary for your peace of mind as well as your ex’s perception of you.

I encourage you to learn how to stay patient after the breakup so you can avoid hurting yourself unnecessarily.

How to stay patient after a breakup?

If you want to stay patient and not do impulsive things that make you look obsessed and out of control, improve the thoughts you tell yourself on a daily basis.

If you’re telling yourself your ex will move on if you don’t act fast and that you’ll regret not apologizing and trying to win your ex back, that obviously needs to stop because it’s making you anxious and impatient.

It’s making you poison your mind with fear and a false understanding of breakup dynamics.

You must decrease and eventually get rid of such unhealthy thoughts and urges that occur because of them by changing your attitude of mind. Instead of convincing yourself your ex was the best you ever had, tell yourself your ex wasn’t that special and that many people in this world can make you happy or happier.

You just need to detach from your ex and open your heart to new possibilities.

Although the breakup will make you experience a lot of intrusive thoughts, resisting them and replacing them with healthy ones is extremely important. It will help you see things realistically and stop you from stressing yourself out.

Secondly, make sure to frequently remember the consequences of losing patience and reaching out to your ex. If you remind yourself your ex won’t like it if you act impulsively and that your chances of reconciliation will decrease significantly, you’ll feel less tempted to give up on being patient and doing something dangerous.

So do your best not to lose your patience and project your impatience onto your ex. If you act on your impulses, you’ll make your ex feel uncomfortable and dig yourself deeper into a hole.

There are many things you can do to stay patient. You can sign up for therapy, journal your thoughts and feelings, meditate, exercise, engage in productive activities, and do things that keep you busy and happy.

It will take a while to get your ex back or get over your ex, but that’s how breakups are. The sooner you accept the situation you’re in, the quicker you can expect to develop the patience necessary for dealing with difficult situations such as the one you’re in right now.

Do you agree that getting back with an ex requires patience? What else do you think reconciliations need? Share your thoughts and ideas and feel free to ask questions below the post.

And if you wish to talk to us about the importance of patience, visit our coaching page for more information on how to get in touch.