You’d think dumpees would be angry for getting dumped and having their self-esteem and goals crushed, but usually, they aren’t the ones who are angry. Dumpers tend to get angry more often than dumpees because they perceive themselves as victims and lack the tools to deal with pressure and resentment.
They blame their ex not just for breaking up but also for refusing to accept the breakup and letting them be free and independent. Dumpers expect to transition from a relationship to a single life the second the breakup occurs.
If they can’t because dumpees guilt-trip them and demand friendship/reconciliation, they more often than not lose their patience and get angry.
They project their pent-up anger onto their ex-partner and make their ex (whose self-esteem is already low due to the breakup) blame himself or herself for annoying the dumper and pushing him or her away.
Dumpees don’t understand their ex’s anger is caused by resentment and inability to express post-breakup emotions properly. Anger has nothing to do with them as every person is responsible for his or her thoughts, perceptions, and behaviors.
We like to say things like “You made me feel this way” and “You made me do that” because we’re angry and don’t want to look at ourselves in the mirror.
Our ego doesn’t let us take a good look at ourselves, so instead, we look for faults in others and blame them for our problems and lack of growth. By nature, we’re reactive beings, which means that if we’re not happy with others’ behavior and attitude toward us, we react to stressors and demonstrate how we deal with problems.
In other words, we put our emotion/conflict-handling skills to the test and respond defensively to those who threaten our security and well-being.
People (especially angry dumpers) tend to defend themselves by pointing fingers at their exes. They feel so victimized they get engulfed with rage and refuse to take accountability for their flaws and mistakes.
Getting angry (showing authority and demanding respect) seems more logical and feels much better to them as they haven’t yet refined their ability to control difficult emotions and admit fault when it’s needed.
That explains why they make zero changes and consequently, carry their beliefs and issues into their next relationship.
So if your ex dumped you and you’re wondering why he’s angry, it’s because he blames you for the breakup or the way you behaved after the breakup. He’s not happy with the way you “made him feel” and doesn’t yet understand that his feelings come from within—and that they’re the product of the work he’d put into improving himself.
How a person (the dumper) deals with emotions such as anger essentially depends on his or her emotional maturity. I’m not saying a developed person can’t get angry (we’re all capable of feeling anger as well as other negative emotions), but a developed person won’t let this particular emotion control his or her actions.
Especially not in impulsive, vengeful, unhealthy, and harmful ways. When emotions cause reactions rather than actions, it’s time for us to do something about them.
Simply put, someone with emotional intelligence doesn’t act like a teen going through puberty. He has decent self-control, understands what causes anger, and knows he’s responsible for dealing with it.
That’s why if an ex doesn’t understand what anger is and what triggers it, you can expect him to make his problems your problems. You can expect him to react to stressors and problems and make your life a living hell.
Anyway, since your ex is angry and wants to achieve his post-breakup goals without you, it’s evident that he’s under a lot of pressure. He feels that he can’t do what he wants and that he needs to get away from you in order to focus on his wants and needs.
The easiest way for him to do that is to get angry with you and directly or indirectly tell you that you’re not respecting his space and letting him enjoy life.
The guy just doesn’t have the patience and skill set to communicate efficiently. He first needs to find a desire to improve as a person. And he probably won’t find it until he’s in a situation similar to yours.
It takes a lot of self-awareness, empathy, and breakup knowledge to sympathize with the dumpee and help him or her accept and deal with the breakup.
That’s why only developed dumpers understand that their ex is hurt and that he or she needs to be supported rather than blamed.
Only those who have dumpee experience, strong morals, and empathy can handle the breakup maturely by not getting angry with their ex.
But such people have already done the necessary self-work and know:
- Their ex is going through a tough time.
- They need to be mindful of their ex’s feelings and be careful about how they respond.
Today, we shed some light on dumpers’ behavior. We explain why the guy is angry when he’s the one who dumped you.
He dumped me, so why is he angry?
If your ex-boyfriend gets angry after dumping you, you can tell he’s emotionally detached, bitter, and in need of space. He wants to be free and live life independently on his own terms.
You may not ask for much if you merely converse with him and remind him of the past, but you do make him feel stressed and guilty for moving on.
His perceptions of you and/or expectations from you trigger his anger (self-defense mechanisms) and make him want to stop feeling unwanted emotions.
You need to understand that the guy wants to feel positive emotions and that he does the thing that makes the most sense. He turns to emotions of power (anger) for help.
Anger overpowers stress, anxiety, guilt, shame, doubts, etc., and makes him feel in control of his life. It tells him he’s in charge and that he doesn’t need to talk to anyone who triggers unwanted reminders and causes pain.
So whether you did something wrong or just breathed the same air as your ex, know that he finds you responsible for making him feel difficult emotions. The guy wanted and expected to be left alone and feel respected, but instead, he got forced to focus on you and deal with unwanted emotions.
This forced him to make him feel stuck in the past. The past he’d been trying to escape.
Now that he’s furious, bear in mind that his angry responses indicate you need to let him be. You need to give him space whether you’re talking to him, blaming him, asking for help, or merely looking at him.
The guy’s current mentality and maturity don’t let him see that you’re not a threat and that he should treat you with care and respect.
So as long as emotions are raw and you’re around, expect your presence and/or behavior to stop him from enjoying his life. Expect the guy to feel smothered and angry and to treat you no better than he treats his other exes.
You obviously can’t keep doing what you’re doing. You can’t stay close to him because it will keep angering him and causing him to react negatively. Every time he gets angry, he worsens his image of you and becomes a bit more resentful.
This has to stop so you can protect your image and let the guy focus on himself and others.
Always remember that you don’t have to do much to pressure the dumper and make him angry.
Your presence alone can bring back unwanted memories that trigger him and bring out the worst in him. He’s the dumper, so something as simple as saying hello can make him feel disrespected and angry.
As long as he needs space and feels victimized, he’s incapable of having a civil conversation and will continue to focus on your negative traits. By doing so, he’ll hold on to power and keep his walls up. You can’t do anything about that because as we mentioned, his perceptions and emotions are his responsibility.
He needs to process the separation first and realize that bitterness is stopping him not just from treating you well but also from transforming him into a better person.
The guy will eventually stop feeling angry as anger is an emotion that needs constant reinforcement to survive. But when it comes to resentment, that’s a completely different story. It depends on his ability to forgive you and look at the situation from different angles.
Many dumpers (and dumpees) stay resentful and think negatively of their exes for years (or forever) as doing so justifies their actions and makes them feel better about the way they’ve been treated. They like to think they were victimized and that their exes don’t deserve their time and affection.
Therefore, your ex could stay angry and resentful for a very long time even if you didn’t say or do much to anger him. Your ex sees things from his own perspective and will keep doing that until he broadens his horizons.
Sadly, most people do that only when they experience the downfall of their life as that’s when they finally lower their egos and admit their mistakes.
So if he dumped you and you don’t know what you did wrong and why he’s angry, it may not have anything to do with you. Remember that dumpers like being angry to demonize their ex and justify their decisions and behaviors.
Anger and blame empower them, destroy guilt and doubts, and make it easier for them to feel positive emotions such as relief and elation.
That being said, here’s why he dumped you and is so angry.
What to do when he dumps you and is angry?
Whatever you do, don’t call him out on it. If you get angry and criticize him, you’ll attack his personality and place your ex in an inferior position. That will anger your ex further as he’d been craving power and authority since before he dumped you.
You shouldn’t fight fire with fire. You’ll never beat him at his own game as you have expectations and he doesn’t. You want his validation and/or a chance to prove your worth and be with him.
If you don’t want to ruin that chance and make him even angrier, don’t get angry with him and tell him what he’s doing wrong and how he’s making you feel. It’s extremely unlikely that he’ll start feeling bad for you and help you cope with the breakup.
It’s much more likely that he’ll get tired of meeting your expectations and caring about your feelings. He’ll probably say or do things that destroy your reconciliation hope and harm your self-esteem.
I can’t predict what his reaction will be and how he’ll affect you, but if he doesn’t seem very caring right now and before the breakup, I wouldn’t expect him to suddenly realize what he’s doing and start caring. I’d expect him to stay as he is or get even worse.
Dumpers reveal their true colors after the breakup when they don’t need their ex anymore. That’s when they stop trying to impress their ex, feel powerful, and act as if they have nothing to lose (which they don’t).
So what do you do when he dumps you and is angry?
First of all, stop doing what you’re doing. If you’re reaching out or hanging out with the same group of people, stop doing that. You shouldn’t be putting yourself in situations where you’re physically, mentally, or emotionally close to your ex and preventing your ex from relaxing and being himself.
You should be giving your ex space and showing him you don’t need anything from him. That will make your ex respect you or at least not make him resent you. Keep in mind that as a dumpee, you shouldn’t stick around and wait for him to treat you better.
You especially shouldn’t pretend to be your ex’s friend and act like everything’s fine. If you want the best for yourself and your ex, you must go no contact with your ex and get used to a life without him.
This is necessary for your and your ex’s health and well-being.
Your ex needs to be left alone for a while to process anger. Once he’s done that, he could reach out and offer friendship, provided he doesn’t become resentful. You may not want friendship when he’s finally ready for it, but that’s something you can deal with later.
Right now, you need to get some space from the guy and work on improving yourself and getting yourself back. The relationship isn’t going to work if you don’t do any self-work. It will likely fail even quicker because of all the unresolved issues and unprocessed emotions.
So try not to take your ex-boyfriend’s anger personally. Remind yourself that his anger is his problem and that as an ex who left you, he should be giving you some sympathy. Since he’s not, you shouldn’t ask for it. You should be distancing yourself from him and dealing with rejection pain without him.
Confide in your friends, family, and therapists if you have to. Just don’t make the guy feel responsible for helping you feel better. Someone who breaks up with you doesn’t want to be your mind doctor.
He has more important things (to him) to focus on such as negative associations and positive emotions. You must let him do that and be free. He needs it more than anything.
I know it’s hard, but an angry ex won’t help you. He’ll reject you, ignore you, get angry with you, and make you want his validation more than ever. That will cause you to blame yourself and delay your suffering.
So if he dumped you and you want to know why he’s angry and what to do about it, the simplest explanation is that he’s developed negative opinions about you and that he wants to protect himself from feeling unwanted emotions and acting in unwanted ways.
The guy wants to be in control of the situation—and you must let him. There’s no use in getting angry and/or trying to change how he thinks, feels, and acts. If he wants to change his perception of you and the way he treats you, he will.
You don’t have to say a word.
Your ex will stop feeling angry once he’s processed the separation and/or realized that he made mistakes too and that he should put his ill feelings behind him. Whether you want him in your life as a friend, a friend with benefits, or a partner, you must leave him alone and give him all the time he needs to evolve.
You must let him come to you and express he’s no longer angry. If he values you and wants you or needs you, rest assured that he’ll contact you and put the work in. He’ll do everything you want to do and more.
In the meantime, keep focusing on yourself and letting go of your ex.
Wonderful things will happen when you let go. One of them is that you’ll stop wondering things like, “He dumped me, so why is he angry? You’ll be okay with him being angry, spiteful, and downright vengeful as your emotional well-being will matter more to you than his.
Did he dump you and you can’t figure out why he’s angry? Why do you think he feels victimized? Share your views in the comments area below.
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