If you suspect your ex never loved you, just used you, your ex probably led you on and took from the relationship way more than he put into it. Your ex promised you things, presented himself as an honest/emotionally ready individual, gave you false hope, and wasted way more of your energy and time than you’d like to admit.
Your ex hurt you because he wanted superficial perks from the relationships. Perks such as sex, money, attention, validation, and things that weren’t needed for love to blossom. Because he wanted such things from you, your ex made it look like he valued you and saw a future with you.
But in reality, the relationship was never about you. It was about him and his journey to happiness, fulfillment, benefits, and convenience.
You had to learn this the hard way after you developed romantic expectations and got attached.
Now that you’re hurting, you have to remember it’s not your fault. People don’t use others because they’re easy targets and because something’s wrong with them. They (the users) use others because they themselves are bad people or not ready to date.
Most of the time, it’s the latter as they’re dealing with something they haven’t been able to deal with yet.
This could be:
- a breakup
- a mental health problem
- bad parenting
- an unhealthy attachment style and fear of commitment
- or some traumatic experience
These issues can all be addressed, but unfortunately, people don’t know how to address them, don’t want to address them, or don’t know that they even exist. That’s why they get into a new relationship thinking their partner will distract them, help them, and/or and numb their pain.
They think their new partner is the solution to fixing their issues.
And he or she is. At least for a while. While the relationship is new (usually for a few months), things seem great as couples get on. But after a while, issues from the past come back and cause all kinds of problems for them and their partner.
That’s when people with problems start arguing, developing doubts, pulling away, and going back on their promises. They don’t care about the relationship anymore because they don’t see a way to benefit from it.
All they see are things that bother them and drain their energy.
If this happened to you, you must understand that your ex didn’t see the relationship the same way as you. He saw it as something he needed rather than wanted. And because he needed it, he stopped wanting it when he got what he was after.
You must keep in mind that many guys only want validation and support. They want to feel attractive and desired (often because of a breakup, low self-esteem, or some other unresolved issue).
That’s why they use their partner to make themselves feel better and leave when they no longer need the things they needed in the beginning and feel they can’t reach their partner’s expectations.
So if a guy you dated never loved you (just used you), bear in mind that he was only looking after his own needs. He had unresolved issues he neglected or was a player man who deliberately told you nice things to lure you in and make you feel you could trust him.
A player man is nothing but a manipulator. He’s often narcissistic and sees dating prospects as objects he can benefit from. Not only is he selfish and severely undeveloped maturity-wise, but he also lacks moral values.
A guy like this has an unhealthy understanding of right and wrong. He thinks the world revolves around him and that people exist to serve him. He hasn’t yet learned to appreciate people and only sees the superficial things in them.
This likely has something to do with his upbringing – the values his parents instilled in him.
In this article, we discuss why he never loved you and used you and what you can do about a guy like that.
Why did he never love me, just used me?
If you wonder why your ex never loved you and used you, you need to understand that your ex wasn’t ready for a serious commitment with you.
He wanted you for selfish reasons (things that had nothing to do with the relationship), so he carried problems from the past into the relationship with you and prioritized his feelings and relationship benefits over his inability to love you.
The guy could have reflected and done something about his problems. But because he lacked self-awareness, understanding of his cravings, and the drive to mature, he rushed into a relationship with you and stayed with you to get what he needed from you.
He did this for as long as he could until he eventually got everything he needed, got emotionally exhausted from investing in you, and realized that the relationship was getting way too serious and difficult for him to maintain.
That was when he left you and made you feel unwanted and used.
If you think about it, he did this because he didn’t have the right relationship mentality to stay with you. His thoughts kept reminding him he didn’t feel happy and that he needed to find happiness elsewhere without you.
Whether he realized why he lost interest is anyone’s guess, but the reason chose you is that he hoped you’d spend time with him and help him overcome the issue or issues he wasn’t able to overcome on his own.
If he recently got dumped, he wanted you to mend his broken heart and distract him from thinking about his ex. If he felt unwanted and undesired, he wanted you to boost his ego. And if he felt lost and uncertain about his future, he wanted you to show him the way (not become a part of his journey).
You need to figure out why he used you. Understanding his reasons for using and hurting you will help you stop blaming yourself for the breakup and allow you to see him for the person he is. It will allow you to process the abandonment and avoid similar situations in the future.
Similar situations include predicaments where guys appear to be super interested in you in the beginning and situations where they appear flaky, disinterested, cold, and detached after they’ve gotten what they needed.
So don’t think you had something to do with the breakup. If you were committed and wanted the relationship to work, it wasn’t your fault the breakup happened. It was your ex’s because he was the one who couldn’t get past the infatuation stage and develop romantic feelings for you.
The attraction you saw at the start of the relationship wasn’t love. It was a desire to feel validated, loved, supported, and safe. Once this desire waned, his interest in you dwindled shortly after as he felt that the relationship turned into a chore that needed him to invest time and emotions he didn’t have.
Couples like to say “We’re in love,” but that’s just hormones talking. Love is when you accept your partner’s flaws, see a future with him, work on common goals and disagreements together, and stay together through thick and thin.
It’s not love if you just met and feel excited.
Sadly, your relationship may not have had much or any love. This is especially true if it ended as quickly as it started (within half a year or so). A relationship ending quickly indicates something is fundamentally wrong with it.
Something that can’t be fixed easily.
Always remember that short-term relationships have a weak foundation and that it’d be unfair to say they’re based on love. From my understanding, they’re built on lust, infatuation, and empowering emotions couples feel due to the newness of the relationship.
Love develops gradually once couples get out of the infatuation phase and deal with various problems together. That’s when they reveal if their relationship mentality (the rational aspect of the relationship) is healthy and strong enough to foster healthy romantic emotions.
If it’s not strong enough, the relationship ends because it doesn’t have a reason (love) to exist.
So bear in mind that your ex left when things got serious and that there may be many different explanations for why your ex never loved you and used you.
Your ex might have:
- been with you just to pass time
- met someone else
- developed doubts
- stopped feeling infatuated and failed to develop love
- rebounded with you
- realized he lacked the drive to invest in you
- expected the relationship to maintain itself
- used you for self-love and relationship benefits
If your ex never loved you and used you, your ex may have told you things you wanted to hear. Your ex probably told you how lucky he was to be with you and that he wanted to marry you, have kids with you, travel the world with you, and grow old with you.
By expressing gratitude and making plans for the future, he convinced you the relationship was better than your previous relationships and made you feel extremely desired and important.
The guy likely had romantic feelings for you at first and didn’t mean to hurt you on purpose. But he ended up doing just that because he failed or refused to address his issues before he got involved with you.
You were in love, so you couldn’t realize your ex was sugarcoating things due to feelings of excitement and a lack of understanding of how the relationship will be when excitement wanes. That’s why you believed everything he said and put your faith in him.
Because you thought he was the one, you invested in him wholeheartedly and expected him to do the same. This explains why you now feel so used, hurt, and unworthy.
With that said, here’s why your ex-boyfriend or the person you dated never loved you and used you.

If he never loved you, just used you, don’t blame yourself for being naive. You couldn’t know that the guy conspired against you, had unresolved issues, or that he was a user. Many guys won’t tell you they aren’t emotionally ready for a relationship and that they’re with you just to get what they can out of you.
They’ll just be quiet and rely on you for their problems and unhappiness. This will immediately help them feel validated and keep them validated for a few months until they stop feeling elated and reveal their problems, problem-solving skills, and attitude.
That’s when you’ll be able to tell what they’re like as people and whether they’re ready to love you and be with you.
So whatever you do, don’t judge guys solely by their actions at the beginning of a relationship. Judge them by what they do for you and the relationship after the 6th-month mark. That’s when reveal their true colors and prove whether they’re capable of being in a long-term relationship with you.
Real guys will improve their communication, attitude, and relationship skills when things get tough whereas immature and emotionally unavailable guys will leave a relationship that is healthy and affectionate. That’s because such guys have unresolved issues and can’t value those who value them.
They need to work on resolving their issues and loving themselves first before they can love anyone else.
People use one another deliberately and indeliberately. Deliberate people are users and charlatans whereas indeliberate ones have problems, lack understanding of themselves, and tend to do what’s best for them.
Regardless of whether your ex used you intentionally or unintentionally, your ex isn’t ready for a relationship with you. He needs to be avoided so you can recover emotionally.
What to do when you find out he used you and never loved you?
When you realize your ex or the guy you’d been seeing used you and never loved you, do your best to refrain from getting angry and taking revenge on him. You may feel hurt and neglected (and have every right to feel that way), but don’t hurt him back because of it.
He’s not worth losing your cool and morals over. He already wasted your time and manipulated your emotions once. Don’t put him in control of your emotions again.
The best form of revenge is success and happiness. If you can be happy, rebuild your worth, and thrive without him, you’ll look much better and more attractive than if you seek vengeance and closure from a guy who didn’t willingly give it to you.
Besides, you already understand what went wrong, so there’s no point in talking to someone who used you.
He doesn’t deserve your attention and friendship. Not after using you and making it look like he loved you.
So instead of talking to the guy who never loved you, cut him off immediately. Go no contact with him and start getting over him. It will take some time to get rid of the attachment, but you need to be strong and persevere.
Do it out of respect for yourself and those who love you.
If you handle the discard well, you’ll be proud of yourself later when you regain composure and see he wasn’t worth getting upset over and that you saved face. But for now, figure out why he used you and what kind of person does that.
When you understand his behavior and process it, you might even pity the guy because you’ll know his future doesn’t look the brightest.
Did he never love you and used you for various perks and benefits? How did that make you feel? Let us know in the comments section below.
However, if you’d like to talk to us about why he never loved you, click here to sign up for 1-on-1 coaching.