We have all experienced heartbreak and the desire to rekindle a past relationship. The breakup made us crazy about our ex and forced us to want to take the initiative with our ex. It made us desperate for attention and love, which in turn, made us think and do desperate things.
Some of us begged for another chance whereas others rationalized with the dumper and tried to make him or her see the importance of the relationship. For most of us, neither begging nor rationalizing worked. Persistence actually caused more harm than good as it showed we didn’t care about our ex’s decisions and feelings.
We just wanted what we wanted, which made our ex less attracted and interested in making things work.
Every time we tried to take control of the breakup and get back together on our terms, we showed we were in denial and that we had unrequited love for our ex. Needless to say, our expectations quickly overwhelmed the dumper and made us see how our ex reacts to overwhelm and other negative emotions.
It made us see a side of our ex we didn’t know existed. And that shocked us and affected our self-esteem. We couldn’t believe that someone so close to us suddenly didn’t care about us and didn’t listen to our pleas.
He or she listened to them during the relationship but not after. The breakup changed something inside our ex.
That something was romantic interest. When love ran out, so too did our partner’s patience and commitment to the relationship. Suddenly, all our partner cared about were his or her own feelings and experiences. Ours no longer mattered as it was no longer about us and the life we envisioned with our ex.
It was about our ex’s life and the people he or she associated with.
So if you want to know how to change someone’s mind about breaking up, know that you can’t change people’s minds by force. Force includes begging, manipulating, convincing, threatening, sending gifts, showing up at your ex’s house unannounced, and showering your ex with love.
When feelings disappear, they’re replaced with negative beliefs and associations called defense mechanisms.
These mechanisms protect your ex against anything that tries to change his or her mind and make your ex prioritize happiness and avoid pain.
Now that the breakup happened, your ex wants you to respect the courage necessary for him or her to make the decision to leave. It wasn’t easy to leave (unless your ex has no shame or guilt), which is why your ex expects you to willingly accept the breakup and move on.
He or she doesn’t want to hear how committed you are to making things work. The thought of working on the relationship smothers your ex and limits his or her freedom. It makes your ex raise his or her guard and want to escape the uncomfortable situation.
The more you try to change your ex’s mind (especially right after the breakup), the worse your ex feels and the deeper you dig yourself into a hole. That’s because your ex sees you don’t care about him or her and that you’re practically asking to get rejected and hurt.
Since you’re asking for it, your ex feels tempted to project his or her vexation onto you and push you away by force. If your ex does take his or her frustrations out on you, your ex will make you even more desperate for recognition and make it your life’s objective to change his or her mind about the breakup.
If you want to be with your ex, you need to understand the damage explaining yourself to your ex will cause. You need to understand that every time you talk about the breakup and the relationship, you talk about the most difficult topics for your ex.
You put your ex in a very difficult situation and give your ex the opposite of what he or she needs to respect you and love you. Rationalizing shows you’re incapable of enjoying your life on your own and that the breakup needed to happen.
Your ex will have way more respect for you and think about you more often if you immediately accept the breakup and start the notorious no contact rule.
This rule will prevent you from engaging in meaningless post-breakup conversations with your ex and enable you to detach from your ex.
It won’t be easy to stay away from your ex, but it will gradually get easier over time. This is because you’ll feel less dependent on your ex and have fewer setbacks and ex-related thoughts, fears, and dreams. You’ll basically regain your self-worth and learn to enjoy life again.
Consequently, your ex will notice that you’ve given up on getting back together and might check up on you and reach out. That will be the proof you need that no contact has worked (that you’ve retained your value and avoided making breakup mistakes) and that you don’t need your ex to be happy.
In this article, we shed some light on how to change someone’s mind about breaking up without coming across as needy and desperate.
How to change someone’s mind about breaking up?
I get that you badly want to convince your ex to be with you. I know you don’t want to stay away from your ex and wait for your ex to contact you.
But if you learn one thing from this article, I hope it’s that some things are beyond your control. You can’t change a person’s mind when that person develops a negative perception of you and loves the way it feels to be single or with someone else.
Pain may want you to change things, but your emotions are powerless and no longer a priority for your ex. They’re something your ex is trying to protect himself or herself from now that you’re exes.
This is the first time your ex looked so cold and disinterested, so it’s all new to you. You’re not used to your ex paying no attention to you and starving you for love validation.
But despite that, you can’t let emotions control you and tell you to convince your ex to be with you. You must understand that your ex fell out of love and that your ex has all the power. If you guilt-trip your ex and try to tell your ex the relationship means the world to you, you’ll give your ex even more power than your ex already has.
You’ll put yourself in a situation where your ex can reject you and treat you any way he or she wants.
If your ex wants to call you names and treat you badly, your ex can and probably will because you’ll allow him or her to. You’ll tell your ex he or she is your top priority and way more important than you.
And that’s very dangerous because an immature/immoral ex will use this opportunity to pay you back for every mistake you made throughout the relationship.
He or she will point out your mistakes and punish you for wanting to put in the effort now that you’re the most regretful, sad, and vulnerable.
Always remember that a breakup requires you to accept the situation rather than resist it and change the other person’s thoughts and feelings. As someone who was dumped, you don’t have to convince your ex to love you.
Your ex already knows who you are and how you make him or her feel.
That’s why talking to your ex about your ability to make him or her happy now and in the future is humiliating. It’s self-degrading and counterproductive as any attempt to look better will only make you look worse.
It will show that you disagree with your ex’s opinion and that you won’t stop fighting for love and commitment.
In a relationship, that would melt your partner’s heart and tighten the bond. But in a breakup, there are no more hearts to melt and bonds to tighten. All that’s left are two people with opposing views and feelings.
You need to respect them and keep in mind that things have changed since you were together and that you can’t forcefully make your ex love you and want you back.
You can only annoy your ex and present yourself as a desperate/unattractive individual. In breakup terms, you’ll be the ex who doesn’t accept rejections and doesn’t go away.
The moment your ex perceives you as a desperate person, it’s over. He or she won’t respect you as an individual and will feel compelled to say or do things that treat you the way you’re asking to be treated.
So if you want to learn how to change someone’s mind about breaking up, the first thing you must understand is that your ex isn’t receptive to your self-pity, ideas, and requests. Your ex is no longer open to them because your ex associates negative thoughts and feelings with your persona.
These thoughts and feelings protect your ex’s emotional well-being by preventing him or her from getting close to you.
The only way you can change your ex’s mind about breaking up is to let your ex realize your importance on his or her own. Now, this probably won’t happen soon (unless you’re going through a fakeup), but your ex essentially needs to fail to be happy without you.
Mind you, your ex will do everything in his or her power to be happy. Your ex will go out, hang out with friends, drink and party, and date other people. He or she will appear happier than ever and try to stay happy. But whether your ex will truly remain happy is hard to say.
It’s difficult to predict because it depends on what your ex is like as a person, how developed your ex is, who your ex gets involved with, and how your ex handles stressors and rejections. If your ex handles pain maturely, your ex may not realize your worth or realize it before you get over him or her.
It’s possible that years or even decades could pass without your ex attempting to reconnect with you.
Not every dumper comes back. Many dumpers convince themselves that their perception of their ex is absolute and that they made the right decision to abandon their ex and chase happiness elsewhere. Because people are stubborn beings (it’s not just your ex), they hold on to their beliefs for as long as they can.
In their mind, they need to be right to justify their decisions and actions. They wouldn’t be able to live peacefully if they blamed themselves for the breakup and the way they made their ex feel. To deal with guilt and doubts, they convince themselves they’re the victims and that their ex is the problem.
Such convictions keep them away from their ex and prevent them from improving their mentalities and behaviors.
So if you want to know how to change someone’s mind about breaking up, start by learning more about breakup dynamics and what your ex needs from you to be happy.
When you understand that your ex doesn’t want you to fight for the relationship as if you were still together, you should also understand that your ex needs space to respect you and process the breakup.
Space will help your ex see that you mean no harm and that you deserve his or her respect.
Once you’ve given your ex space, don’t immediately start checking your phone and expecting your ex to come running back. Space is the first, but not the last thing your ex needs to miss you and redevelop feelings for you.
Your ex also needs to experience some kind of personal failure. The bigger and more painful the failure, the more likely it is that your ex will realize your worth and recommit to you.
So as far as changing your ex’s mind about breaking up goes, forget about changing your ex’s mind directly. Your ex won’t find that kind of persistence attractive. He or she will find it repulsive and have fewer reasons to love you and get back with you.
Always remember that your ex needs to respect you to be with you. And your ex needs to respect you when things go south on his/her end.
Your ex needs to think you’re strong and capable of providing him or her with what he or she is missing. If your ex is missing a person to validate and support him or her, you need to avoid breakup mistakes at all costs.
You need to stay in no contact far away from your ex and focus on making sure you’re happy. Your happiness is your greatest tool as 1)you deserve to be happy and 2)it could help you reconcile when your ex experiences difficulties and reaches out for help.
You must be ready to reattract your ex by becoming your most attractive self.
Don’t expect your ex to want you when he or she sees you’re miserable and highly dependent on him or her. If you’re the same as you were, your ex will lose interest as soon as he or she gets what he or she is after.
So use your time wisely by identifying your flaws and working on yourself. You need to evolve so that your relationship with your ex or someone else doesn’t suffer the same fate.
With that said, here’s how to change a person’s mind about breaking up.
Change your ex’s mind by changing how you think of yourself!
Your ex can find you attractive only if you know your worth and treat yourself as a worthy individual. If you reach out, beg for forgiveness, and try to prevent your ex from seeing others, you’ll reveal you feel insecure, anxious, or depressed and that you can’t accept things that are out of your control.
That will make you look highly possessive and inferior to your ex. It will make you look so undesirable that your ex won’t even reply and speak to you.
So no matter how eager you are to change your ex’s mind, know that your ex’s perception of you depends on what ordeals your ex goes through and how you portray yourself.
If you act insecure, jealous, possessive, clingy, and have no ambition outside of the relationship, your ex will notice your desperation and keep his or her distance from you.
Your ex will do everything in his or her power to hold you responsible for the breakup and think he or she is happier without you.
That’s why you need to change how you think of yourself (improve your self-esteem). Act as if the breakup doesn’t affect you—and it will soon stop affecting you. Basically, fake it till you make it.
Tell yourself that your job isn’t to change your ex’s mind about breaking up with you but to give your ex space and freedom to experience life without you. If life doesn’t go according to plan and makes your ex reflect on his or her decisions, your ex could start to value you and want to be with you.
Until that happens, avoid interacting with your ex and exude high self-esteem. If anything changes your ex’s mind about breaking up, it’s your happiness and your ex’s unhappiness.
Did you learn how to change someone’s mind about breaking up? What do you think needs to happen to your ex to regret leaving you? Post your thoughts in the comments section below.
And if you’re looking for personalized advice on your relationship or breakup, check out our coaching services.
