The practice of traditional dating sustained a devastating blow during the pandemic. What most singles realized is that being alone was expensive, lonely, and at times overwhelming. Trying to balance work and pleasure, while simultaneously making time for self-care became an almost unmanageable task for most singles.
What many predicted would be an influx in divorces as the world came out of lockdown quickly pivoted to a mild sense of optimism once research was conducted. When COVID-19 hit America in March, early signs suggested that the pandemic might expedite divorces because of lockdown-related stress.
However, survey data found that the pandemic actually brought some couples closer to each other. According to data from the American Family Survey, a majority of married Americans (58%) attributed the pandemic for the new appreciation of their spouse. Moreover, initial data from some states suggests that divorce filings have indeed declined.
But it isn’t the fear of divorce that is making marriage harder to come by for adult singles in America and abroad, but the burden of choosing. No matter what kind of marriage you decide to have, the first step is to decide whether you’ll marry at all. Unconsciously, single adults chose marriage because it made sense for their life goals. Marriage used to align with one’s life goals because those goals were clear and obvious.
In today’s world life can be unpredictable. There are more options for how we spend our time and even more distractions. Once you decide that you want a partner, you’re on the right path. The next step is to decide what type of partner you want.
MYTH #1. It’ll feel right
If you want to connect with the person you could spend the rest of your life with then you have to rely on facts not feelings. Traditional dating advice for women includes making a list of the character traits you consider important in a man and then passing up any person who doesn’t match your list. Universally, this technique works because it forces you to focus on what you need instead of what you want.
Unfortunately, women have abandoned this practice to their own demise. The battle to maintain standards in dating when it feels like everyone else is playing by different rules is legitimate. Too many women feel that they can’t compete being conservative. The irony is that it is the only way to compete. But being rigid isn’t the same as committing to a standard.
Searching for a relationship that feels right is misleading because a good relationship requires you to grow and that growth requires discomfort. The best relationship for you is one that stirs up fears and past traumas so that you can heal those feelings in the present.
Waiting for someone who feels right is dangerous because relationships are rarely emotionally safe in the beginning. It takes time to explore the many ways a partner can hurt you and to confirm whether they will or won’t. Asking the right questions and making the right requests of your partner is the only way to confirm that they are compatible with you and that has nothing to do with a feeling. It is indeed a fact-finding mission.
MYTH #2 They’ll show me
Expecting someone else to know what they want in dating, when you don’t know what you want is an unfair demand. In order to find a happy relationship that could potentially lead to marriage you have to be clear on what will make you happy in the first place.
If we were to identify the elephant in the room, single adults would have to be vulnerable enough to admit that they want to fall in love with someone. If you are dating and can’t admit that being loved and feeling loved is important to you then a healthy committed relationship is far from reach.
For the first time in history you have more thought leaders, managers, business owners, and team leads than ever before. With so many adults in positions of leadership it isn’t unreasonable to expect a level of awareness that wasn’t required by past generations. The onus is on the individual to make requests that are either honored or denied.
If you’re not asking for a specific behavior, you shouldn’t expect it. The case of ‘they should know how’ or ‘they should know better’ no longer applies. A potential date is likely to show you what they already know instead of who they actually are.
MYTH #3 They’ll choose me
The biggest hurdle in dating for single adults is the idea that a person will be chosen before they have to choose themselves. Once you decide that you want to be in a committed relationship, it’s your responsibility to put yourself on the market to find someone with the will, want, and desire to give you what you need.
You can’t expect someone to choose you because they have a vision that you don’t have. The vision has to be shared. Once you know what you need and you have a strategic method of gathering information it’s your job to select potential partners that match your desires.
You need to weed people out. You may be the prize but you are also the player. In dating, it’s impossible not to be both. Even if you decide to only engage with those who make the first move, you still have to go through the motions of identifying if they match your needs.
If they are meeting your needs, then proceed to date them. If they aren’t it’s okay to move on to new candidates but you have to date with the end in mind. You can’t look at the menu and decide to taste everything to know which you like the best.
You have to date knowing that you can’t date everyone. That you will have to make some hard cuts. You have to be clear on your desired outcomes and you have to trust the facts not your feelings. If you want to date casually for fun instead of fulfillment these rules may not apply but if you want a committed relationship it takes strategy and decision.
