How to Strengthen Your Sense of Self

“Know thyself” — so says the ancient maxim, carved into stone at the entrance to Apollo’s temple in Greece. Interpreted by the ancient Greek philosopher Plato as meaning “to know one’s soul,” this wise saying has a resonance that persists to this day. Countless great minds have sought to illuminate the idea of the self. Ancient Hindu philosophy points us to a unique soul (Atman) which exists within an omniscient Self (Brahman); while some forms of Buddhism deny any self exists at all. French philosopher Descartes likened the self to the existence of mind — “I think therefore I am”, while in the African philosophy of “ubuntu,” our sense of self is shaped by our relationships with other people —“I am because we are.” 

The field of psychology has also grappled with the concept of self. Swiss psychologist Carl Jung offered a concept of self as “the totality of a person’s being and the path to greater unity of the conscious and unconscious in us.” While in the therapeutic approach known as IFS (Internal Family Systems), the concept of Self is central to the path of healing. Also known as “parts work,” a primary tenet of IFS is the recognition of the wisdom and sovereignty of The Self versus the more narrow sub-personalities or “parts,” which are fragmented and lead to disharmony.

And finally, we have the great British playwright Shakespeare, who implored us “To thine own self be true.” But what does it mean to know oneself, and how does one go about being true to oneself?

In this article, we’ll explore the concept of self, and how you can strengthen your sense of self to live a life in alignment with your truth. As we will explore, to do so requires connection to your deepest thoughts, feelings, values, and desires.

What is a “sense of self?”

As a therapist, life coach, and couples counselor who has helped many people find their own answers to life’s big questions, I know that identifying a “sense of oneself” can at times seem ambiguous and elusive.

My concept of the Self is informed by the preceding contemplations and related concepts of the soul, our inner knowing and truth. Beyond labels, it is the essence of who we are— the  awareness, “I am,” “I exist.” On a practical level, I conceive of the self as our guiding principles and values; that by which we determine the meaning of life and a life well lived. 

It is important that we give ourselves the space to discern our own truth and guiding principles from those we inherit through upbringing, experiences and cultural conditioning, and to be sure we are living life according to our core sense of ourself – our own unique and intuitive GPS.

What keeps us from building a strong sense of self?

We come into this world without any attributes beyond a general temperament and physical form. For practical purposes, we are assigned a name shortly after our birth, followed by other attributes,

From a young age, we receive messages about who we “should” be, which are ingrained into us by often well-meaning parents, educators, and peers. As we grow, we are taught the values of our families and our communities, what is acceptable and what is frowned upon. We are provided a measure for living a successful life, as well as values around career, family and education. We may also receive religious instruction, providing concepts of a higher power and rules of morality.

In many ways this indoctrination can be incredibly useful! Humans are bonding animals, and being part of a collective helps us to develop a sense of belonging. However, as we develop and grow, we may begin to question some of the values we inherited. In some cases these identities can begin to feel stifling, or may not align with what we truly want for our lives.

We can also develop a self-identity based on the roles we play and our culturally prescribed ideas associated with these roles, such as mother, wife, father, husband, son, daughter, dancer, doctor, artist, etc. Our identity may even extend to an allegiance to certain sports teams or a political party, so much so that we may actually act against our deeper values to keep associated with this identity.

This is not to suggest that beliefs or values we inherit from our families or communities are “bad,” and should be rejected. Rather, by becoming aware of their source, we can begin to differentiate and consciously develop a sense of self independent of their unconscious influence.

It can also be challenging to develop a sense of self if we have experienced relational or other forms of trauma. Often those impacted by trauma may learn to deny their own needs or sense of self in order to stay in good standing with those in power. “Fawning,” also known as people pleasing, is now considered to be a survival response. Even within so-called “normal” relationship dynamics, such as not feeling seen or appreciated, or feeling disconnected from others; we may work hard to be what they want us to be, in hopes they will see our value and meet our need for safe connection. Unfortunately, this leaves us focusing on others’ preferences rather than tapping into our internal GPS to guide us.