How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner: Skills to Strengthen Sexual Intimacy, Connect & Communicate
Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
Talking about sex can feel more vulnerable than almost any other conversation in a relationship, which is why learning how to talk about sex with your partner is often the missing piece when couples feel disconnected. In my work providing coaching and counseling services, I see this pattern frequently: partners who care deeply about each other, yet feel unsure how to communicate about intimacy without fear, shame, or emotional fallout.
For many couples, sexual communication feels harder than discussing money, parenting, or conflict. Over time, unspoken needs can turn into distance, resentment, or confusion, even when love is still very much present. Learning how to communicate better about sex is not about finding perfect words. Instead, it’s about creating emotional safety, clarity, and trust so intimacy can grow again.
In this episode of Love, Happiness and Success, I’m joined by Dr. Tara to explore how couples can talk about sex in ways that strengthen emotional and sexual connection rather than create more distance.
Why Learning How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner Feels So Hard
One of the most validating insights from this conversation is that discomfort around sex is rarely personal. More often, it’s cultural.
Many people grew up in environments where sex was avoided, shamed, or treated as something dangerous to discuss. As a result, talking about intimacy can trigger fear of rejection, embarrassment, or conflict. Because of this, avoidance often feels safer than honesty.
Yet silence tends to deepen disconnection. When couples understand why sexual conversations feel difficult, they can approach them with more compassion for themselves and their partner. That awareness alone often reduces defensiveness and opens the door to meaningful dialogue.
Sexual Communication Is a Skill You Can Learn
A key theme in this episode is that sexual communication is not a personality trait. It’s a skill.
Couples who communicate well about intimacy didn’t get there because it came naturally. They developed language, confidence, and emotional awareness over time. Before you can communicate clearly, you need to understand your own sexual self.
Many people struggle to describe what they want or need in bed, not because they are disconnected, but because they were never taught how to articulate desire. Developing this awareness is a critical step in learning how to communicate better about sex in a grounded, respectful way.
Research supports this. A large meta-analysis found that open sexual communication is strongly associated with both sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction (Mallory, A. B., Stanton, A. M., & Handy, A. B.). In other words, talking about sex is not optional for intimacy. It’s foundational.
How to Open Sexual Conversations Without Triggering Defensiveness
When couples haven’t talked about sex in a long time, starting with a big, emotional conversation can feel overwhelming. Instead, this episode emphasizes beginning with low-pressure entry points.
One helpful approach is referencing outside material as a neutral opener. Mentioning a podcast, article, or idea allows curiosity to replace blame. This method often feels safer than framing the conversation around what isn’t working.
Over time, these smaller conversations build trust and emotional safety. They also make it easier to address more vulnerable topics later. This gradual approach is one of the most effective ways to begin learning how to talk about sex with your partner without escalating conflict.
If you’re navigating mismatched desire or uncertainty, you may also find support in resources like I Have No Sex Drive and It’s Ruining My Relationship: What Now? and When Your Partner Rejects You Sexually.
Expanding What Intimacy and Sex Really Mean
Another powerful takeaway from this episode is the importance of broadening how couples define sex and intimacy.
Many partners equate sexual connection with a narrow outcome, which can unintentionally create pressure. However, intimacy often thrives when couples include affection, emotional presence, touch, and closeness as valid expressions of connection.
This reframing can be especially helpful during life transitions, stress, or long dry spells. Rather than assuming intimacy has disappeared, couples often discover it has simply changed shape. Understanding this helps partners build trust sexually and reconnect in ways that feel authentic for both people.
Additional insight into communication patterns can be found in Stop Miscommunication Madness: How to Be a Better Communicator and How to Listen Better in Relationships: The Japanese Art of Being a Good Listener.
