I Need You to Unlove Me

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“What am I going to do?” said my husband. “She’s left me.”

I’ve just now learned these words.

It’s been years since I initiated my divorce.

It seems my then-husband uttered them to a stranger. Tears were involved. The stranger took pity. It’s not uncommon in the divorce world. Divorced individuals often bond with one another.

My response?

Nothing. I delivered no words. I didn’t need to say anything. This former stranger knows our truth. The stranger now knows my ex-husband.

My reaction?

I shook my head. I might’ve thrown in an eye roll. One of my besties might’ve joined me in our bodily rejection of my husband’s ‘poor me’ theatre.

“Really?”

I spent years urging this man to love me.

And then a torturous never-ending calendar begging him to unlove me.

I pleaded with my husband during our five-year divorce including a sixth year in contempt. “Please let me go. Please stop. Please divorce me. I’m begging you to move forward. Let me go.”

I fought for my freedom.

I fought for it twice.

The first time?

It’s when I asked for a separation. He refused. It took two years. I had to get his family involved in order for him to agree. The time apart told me what I needed to know.

I wanted out for good.

I wanted out of an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

I didn’t miss him.

Why would I? He had begun drinking and behaving badly. Even the separation didn’t get his attention. He was as difficult and arrogant as he had ever been with me.

I let him back home after 11 months because he threatened to not send our son to college. Again, nothing changed. He wasn’t afraid of losing me.

Why?

He didn’t think that I would leave him.

“Who would leave the Golden Goose?” he would say.

A bit of hubris.

He fancied himself the successful man that no woman would leave. He had spent years manipulating me and maintaining control. Of course, he wouldn’t think I would finally break free.

He didn’t think I would ask for a divorce.

He didn’t think I would tell him to unlove me.

But I did.

That’s what happens when you remain in marriage counseling.

You continue to learn, grow, and evolve.

You learn what’s healthy and what’s unhealthy. You learn what is love and what is control, what is manipulation, and more. You learn boundaries and self-protection.

You learn that you need to get back to an emotionally healthy place.

I did.

I needed this man to unlove me.

After years of begging him to love me properly.

He wasn’t a victim.

‘She’ didn’t leave him. ‘She’ fought for him. ‘She’ fought for them. ‘She’ tried. ‘She’ cried. ‘She’ pleaded. ‘She’ cared. ‘She’ loved him. ‘She’ wanted a healthier, happier love for both of them.

And then ‘She’ gave up.

‘She’ was tired.

‘She’ had to put herself first because a man kept putting her last.

‘She’ fought the battle of her life to free herself…

Pleading with a man to unlove of her.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.