If You Struggle to Meet Each Other’s Needs in Relationships

Years ago, after my divorce, I met someone with whom I had a very intense relationship.

I thought I was ready. I thought I finally found someone with whom I could have a deep emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual connection.

Little did I know that we were a strong reciprocal match for our inner wounds as well.

And that deeply expanded my relational awareness.

Relationships with reciprocal wounds

I learned that we often attract people with whom we have a strong resonance, which also means having reciprocal wounds.

If our hearts are closed to genuine connections, then we might not attract relationships that trigger us much. But when we yearn for deeper connections, our hearts gradually open up, and the level of resonance we get to experience becomes higher.

In that intense relationship, we had a few major triggers. There were times when I needed to feel empathy and care from my ex-partner, but I felt harshness and abandonment instead; and to him, my need felt like a lack of acceptance of who he really was.

There were times he felt that I didn’t care for him because I didn’t cook for him when we were spending time at my place, and I wasn’t aware of it, because I grew up used to everyone taking care of themselves at home.

We attract our reciprocal wounds because it feels familiar.

And the familiarity can become the blind spot for red flags, since we always perceived them as normal and never really knew what healthy looks like.

Overcoming triggers and inner wounds

As we get closer and our inner world starts to intertwine with each other, we are invited to look deeper.

As partners, we can help each other by choosing to build an emotionally safe space together.

It’s true that we are all responsible for our own healing. No one can truly help us overcome our inner challenges. However, we can still be there with each other and be the loving, safe space we need for healing to take place.

And many wounds that happened in the container of a relationship, do need the container of a relationship to be healed.

Often, as triggers surface in a relationship, we either grow together or grow apart.

There’s no definite right or wrong. Sometimes, growing apart might be what we need, especially when we have already tried our best despite our present limitations.

However, it’s important that we do give it a try, because without healing, the inherent pattern might surface again in future relationships.

This doesn’t mean putting up with certain things, such as abuse. Having healthy boundaries is an important lesson of healing as well.

But this means deciding to become more and more aware of our patterns and intentionally finding ways to heal our inner wounds.

If we feel triggered by what our partner said or how they responded, it’s important to ask ourselves what we are really feeling inside us, and what might be the reason for us to feel that way with that level of intensity.

Do we also feel safe in being vulnerable and expressing to our partner what kind of trigger we are feeling?

And if it’s our partner who feels triggered, can we intercept our own triggers and become curious enough to wonder why they might feel that way?

That time, when my ex-partner finally let me know that he felt uncared for because I didn’t cook for him, I empathized with his need and made the effort to do so more often.

I could have felt criticized or not enough. But I understood that it wasn’t the case, and chose to be there for his needs instead, so that we healed that pattern.

When we choose to heal together, the connection becomes stronger over time.

However, when that is not fully possible, the kindest thing to do at times, for both sides, is to have proper boundaries, even if it means breaking up.

In that relationship, my ex-partner could never really show the level of kindness and understanding I needed. He could never really see it beyond the lack of acceptance of him.

However, as I did my inner work and really validated my emotional needs of kindness and care, my next relationships had much healthier communication.

Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.

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Breaking Up — Sometimes, the Only Way to Save a Relationship

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