Can a Lack of Sex Ruin a Relationship?
In my experience, periodic “dry spells” themselves are not what ruins relationships. All couples have ups and downs in their sex lives, and most manage to navigate them while keeping their connections strong.
There is no correct amount of sex that you “should” be having with your partner in order to have a loving, healthy relationship. Some couples have sex a few times a year and are perfectly content with that. Others have sex multiple times a week, and still feel dissatisfied. What matters is that the physical intimacy in the relationship is good enough for both of you… and that you’re able to talk about any differences in sexual desire in an open, vulnerable way, and work on it together.
When you aren’t communicating about your low sex drive openly, your partner may feel hurt and undesired. Feeling sexually rejected by your partner is painful, especially if the partner who wants more sex holds certain beliefs about what it means to be turned down. It’s very common for the higher sex drive partner to feel uncared for, especially if their language of love is physical touch. The problem is about more than sex — it’s about what sex means to you both and how you’re responding to each other’s emotional and physical needs.
On the flip side, when you aren’t in the mood for sex, and you are afraid to hurt your partner’s feelings, or worse, get into a fight about it, that makes you want to avoid. You might avoid talking about your low sex drive, or avoid any affection with your partner because you don’t want it to turn sexual. Some lower sex drive partners even begin to avoid their partner’s touch, which can be hurtful and can lead you both to feel alienated from each other.
This dynamic creates a high-pressure emotional space where authentic desire can’t grow. The gridlock can become entrenched until you’re in a sexless marriage. The path forward is talking about the problem (without blaming each other) and finding ways to release pressure around physical intimacy. By not avoiding difficult, emotionally intimate conversations and approaching them with empathy and care, this challenge can become a “growth moment” for your relationship, and an opportunity to increase emotional intimacy, which will in turn help sexual intimacy flourish.
Why Don’t I Have a Sex Drive?
If you’re experiencing low libido, there are many possible reasons for that.
Sometimes it’s due to a medical issue, like imbalances in hormones, ongoing illnesses, or medications that affect sexual function. Natural hormonal fluctuations can also play a role, like those that come with pregnancy, menopause and perimenopause, and aging in general.
Your mental health and wellness can also have a big impact. Stress in particular can destroy your sex life. If you are experiencing depression, anxiety, or the effects of trauma (especially sexual trauma), that can all keep you from getting in the mood. Your lifestyle impacts libido as well — when you’re not sleeping enough, eating poorly, or not getting enough exercise, your sex drive suffers. Even a Vitamin D deficiency can put the kibosh on your libido.
Relationship Issues and Low Sex Drive
Problems in your relationship can also have a big impact on your sex drive. Issues like not feeling emotionally connected to your partner, unresolved conflicts, lack of trust, a build up of resentment, or an absence of emotional safety, all make it more likely that one or both partners will lose interest in sex.
The problem could also be with the sex itself. If there is anything happening (or not happening) in the bedroom that’s making sex with your partner less enjoyable for you, talking about that is the best place to start.
Often, people who’ve lost their sex drive don’t know what has changed, and with so many possible factors, the reasons can be complex. Connection with a couples counselor specializing in sex therapy can help you explore your sexual connection with your partner, the health and strength of your relationship, and possible lifestyle or biology-related contributors. They’ll perform an assessment that gets at the root cause of your low libido, and helps you find ways to improve the intimacy in your relationship.
What to Do About Low Libido in a Relationship
The first thing you should be doing if low libido is impacting your relationship is talking about the problem. Many couples shy away from open conversations about their sex lives, especially when things are feeling off, but that’s a mistake. Avoiding or shutting down keeps you from solving the problem, and allows harmful narratives about what is happening and why to push you farther away from each other.
These are intimate conversations that require vulnerability, and it’s important to create an emotionally safe environment to talk openly about this issue. Sexual problems can have deep emotional roots, and by showing each other care in these moments you have the opportunity to not only improve your sex life, but also to strengthen your relationship. That said, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to get upset when talking about a lack of sex. That is okay — both partners’ feelings are valid here and should be respected.
It’s also important not to let all the physical intimacy in your relationship die just because you’re not in the mood for sex. Continuing to hug, kiss, and cuddle, no matter what’s happening with your libido, will keep you feeling physically connected through periods of time when you’re having less sex. It will also help to break the association between sex and affection in your relationship so that you can enjoy being affectionate with each other without worrying it will lead to more than you want.
Finally, recognize that this problem is important to work on. It is okay to go for long periods of time without having sex… as long as both partners feel satisfied, cared for, and connected. But if there is apathy on one side of this dynamic, and frustration on the other, it can gradually lead your relationship to fail. Getting support from a sex therapist will help you address low libido, while also demonstrating to your partner that you care about what they need to feel loved and connected.
Support for Low Libido and Relationships
If low libido is negatively impacting your relationship, it’s important to address this problem, and sooner rather than later. Working with a sex therapist can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you and your partner to openly discuss your desires, concerns, and expectations, and find the underlying causes behind low libido. This work can help you improve communication, enhance intimacy, and increase sexual satisfaction in your relationship.
If you’d like to meet with a sex therapist on my team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.
Music in this episode is by Little Dragon with their song “Slugs of Love.” You can support them and their work by visiting their Bandcamp page here: https://littledragon.bandcamp.com/. Under the circumstance of use of music, each portion of used music within this current episode fits under Section 107 of the Copyright Act, i.e., Fair Use. Please refer to copyright.gov if further questions are prompted.
