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Kissing after divorce can feel terrifying. The first kiss I ever had when I was newly separated was memorable. I was literally shaking because I could not believe I was about to kiss another man who wasn’t my husband. I still remember vividly how conflicted I felt.
On one hand, I was ecstatic. I felt young again, like there was hope for me to find love again, and that life was going to be great. On the other, I felt so guilty, like I was doing something really wrong. I actually felt very excited and nauseous at the same time in kissing after divorce.
I think it’s very normal to have anxiety when it comes to kissing after divorce.
7 pieces of advice for kissing after divorce:
1. You might get sad and even cry later in the night (hopefully you don’t cry during the kiss!) I think it’s normal to cry because you are mourning the end of your marriage in this manner.
2. It’s OK to be happy about it! Don’t feel guilty. If you are separated, you aren’t doing anything wrong.
3. Don’t feel guilty because you are a mom (or dad) and you feel like you need to be spending time with them.
4. Look at your first kiss after divorce as a new beginning, a new chapter. It’s wonderful that you even wanted to kiss someone!
5. If you are the one who left because you were lonely in your marriage, then kissing someone might tell you a lot. It might validate that what you did was right.
6. Just enjoy yourself. You are going through a lot, and feeling attractive and desired is a good thing.
7. Don’t expect too much. The guy you are kissing after divorce isn’t going to sweet you off your feet, marry you, and take away all your problems.
Several years ago, I wrote an article for the Chicago Tribune on the subject of kissing. The idea stemmed from Noam Osband, a New York-based anthropologist and filmmaker, who has produced over 40 short films in which he interviews men and women on the street about their first kiss.
Together, Osband and I came up with a list of 6 different kinds of kisses. Here they are:
1. The peck
My least favorite type of kiss, the peck is usually given on not-so-hot first dates, or as a courteous, quick or friendly hello or goodbye. To me, the peck means, “We are platonic.” I believe that even married couples or those in long-term relationships should stay away from the peck as much as possible. In other words, kiss your wife (or husband) like you mean it!
2. The sloppy
This kiss is a “combination of lust and alcohol, and a spring break staple,” according to Osband. There are also men and women who are just sloppy kissers, in general. The spouse has to accept that going in to the relationship or it will never work.
3. The lip bite
“A cousin to the sloppy, this kiss has grown in popularity, thanks to ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’” Osband said. Aside from the fact that the lip bite can actually be painful, I think it can be sexy in the right situation and with the right person, of course.
4. The passionate
Typically found at airports and train stations, the passionate kiss combines urgency and intense joy or sadness (depending on departure or arrival). Additionally, the passionate kiss is the prelude to sex.It’s breathtaking, and sort of makes you feel like you’re in a movie.
5. The soft and sensual
This is the kind of kiss where you can actually feel the intensity of the other person’s lips. The kiss is slow and gentle, deep and meaningful, and is responsible for chapped lips the next day.
6. The true love
You’re lucky if you’ve experienced the true love kiss. It is the ultimate perfect kiss, as it combines all of these other kisses. The best way I can describe the true love kiss is, it feels like you are sitting by your fireplace sipping hot chocolate with your best friend, feeling safe and secure and deeply loved. It’s warm. It’s home. Both people are their authentic selves with no fear or vulnerability. And, at the same time, you feel like Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca,” because your heart is pounding furiously and you never want the moment to end.
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