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My friend told me about a text message exchange that she had with a guy she was dating. Because he was coming off of a divorce, she asked him what qualities he wanted in his next wife and he was very clear with his expectations. What she shared with me sounded very reasonable but when she was asked the same question, I thought her response was quite interesting.
It wasn’t what she said that was the problem, it was what she didn’t say that was surprising. A few of the qualities that she’s looking for in a husband include: reliability, loyalty, interest in travel, family orientated, ambition, fun loving, adventurous, etc. While these qualities sound all well & good, I knew there were a lot of things she left unsaid.
When she said she wanted a man who is family-orientated, what she really meant was she wanted a man without children so he could have kids with her & her only. I understand that not every woman is cut out to be a stepmother, just as there are some women that would love to have that role. So when a man hears her say she wants her own family the part that she’s leaving out is that she wants her own children & not his. She wants a man who will make a family with her not bring one to her.
The word ambition to her means someone who has plans to make a lot of money. A man who is stable and works hard is not good enough for her. If he doesn’t make a lot of money, he should be working to make that happen. She is definitely not the type to date a teacher or a bus driver or anyone below middle-management no matter how noble their profession may be. She knows that even the most successful man can lose his job at any time but believes he should always be financially prepared in case that becomes his reality. A “real man” should have the drive to outperform his current financial status and although every man does not want to move up the proverbial corporate ladder, those who don’t just aren’t her type.
When my friend says she wants a man who loves to travel, what she leaves out is that she expects the man she dates to travel in style – her style. She has expensive travel taste – which includes private tours, lengthy excursions, flying first class, booking the best hotel suites, etc. If a man can swing it for the both of them, great! But if he can’t, or chooses not to, then he doesn’t meet her travel requirements. Because that is her standard of travel she expects a man to pay for things that he might not have any desire to see or do. She believes there is no joy in traveling if you don’t step outside of your comfort zone by booking every amenity possible while on vacation. She assumes that everyone’s travel budget is the same as hers but when it comes to dating this has the potential to turn a lot of men off. I mentioned to her that not all men will have the same outlook on travel but that doesn’t mean he won’t make a good husband. Just because she says she wants a man who loves to travel doesn’t mean that he would want to travel her way.
Now those are just some of things that she’s looking for in a man. As far as what she says she has to offer, she says she likes to cook and is good with managing money. The part that she is leaving out is that she doesn’t cook very often even for someone she’s dating. Unless it’s a special occasion, she probably won’t bother because she prefers to order out & buy pre-cooked meals instead. Even though she can cook, making sure her man is fed & actually cooking for him are two different things.
In terms of managing money, she has no intention of sharing her finances with her husband but expects him to share his with her. While some men may not have an issue with providing financially for their wife, they may have an issue with not having access to the entire household funds which would include her finances.
What I learned from these conversations is that although we women may like to communicate it doesn’t always mean we are clear & effective especially when it comes to dating & relationships. Telling a man what you are looking for can almost always be left up to interpretation, so ladies be clear with what it is that you want in a relationship!
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The post Men, Are You Listening to What She’s Not Saying? appeared first on The Good Men Project.
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