Men, Where Have You Gone? I Think I May Know

I read a recent New York Times Modern Love essay that had me nodding my head in agreement and shaking my head in despair: “Men, Where Have You Gone?”

The subtitle really nailed it: “So many men have retreated from intimacy, hiding behind firewalls, filters and curated personas, dabbling and scrolling. We miss you.”

Yes, we do.

I want my single friends and coaching clients to find love. That’s why I miss men. I’m a hopeful romantic.

In the essay, writer Rachel Drucker laments men vanishing from the rituals of romance. I’ve seen with my own eyes. Seems like every restaurant I go to is filled with tables of women, no men. No men on dates, that is.

Instead, there’s groups of single gals having a great time, as they should (and I love being included!) Life goes on without men, but a life without men is sad to the writer, and to me too.

“Only two tables nearby seemed to hold actual dates. The rest were groups of women, or women alone, each one occupying her space with quiet confidence. No shrinking. No waiting. No apologizing.”

With no men in sight, the writer says it was “a collective shift she couldn’t unsee.”

She goes on to describe it: “That night marked something. Not a heartbreak, but an unveiling. A sense that what I’d been experiencing wasn’t just personal misalignment. It was something broader. Cultural. A slow vanishing of presence.”

Why are men disappearing from the dating scene? I think I may know:

Technology

The internet, social media, and online dating, for starters. Technology has brought us closer, we find each other faster, but what happens after seems to undo all the good technology promised. Instead of connecting us, we’re using it to further distance and divide us. The modern marvels of dating apps — anonymity, illusion of choice, swiping, instant gratification — haven’t exactly done wonders for romance, courtship, or humanity either.

Expectations

There’s plenty of blame to go around when it comes to expectations, but women, if you’re complaining about men retreating from dating, maybe it’s time to take a hard look at your part. Are you blowing guys off for the slightest issue? Are you being too quick to judge? Do you have unreasonable expectations, requirements, or ridiculous standards most men can’t meet? Are you ghosting, cancelling last minute, waiting for the bigger, better deal, or insulted that a guy doesn’t treat you to a 5-course meal on a first date? Are you a “six-figures, six-pack, six-feet” kind of girl? If so, no wonder men are checking out these days.

If your search for love has you convinced you’re just one swipe away from someone MORE perfect, I have news for you: You’re going to be single forever.

Expectations, along with mixed messages, are dispiriting: Be masculine and a feminist at the same time. Be vulnerable, but not overly sensitive. Be emotionally available, but not a simp. It’s a lot of hoops to jump through.

If men can’t measure up, guess who checks out next? Women!

#MeToo

#MeToo is another reason why men might be opting out. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: The MeToo movement was necessary and needed. There’s no place for creeps, pervs, harassment, or oppression of any kind. Women called out the abuse, took a stand, and I’m glad they did. No woman should have to fear for her life while dating.

However, now the pendulum seems to have swung too far the other way, and both sexes are in a standoff.

Men are afraid to approach women, talk to them, even look their way because of the legal peril it could put them in. No guy is going to put himself out there with that kind of risk, and no guy is going to risk rejection when women just want to be left alone (which also makes me sad).

When everyone’s coming from a place of fear, no one makes a move.

The comment below is from the article’s comment section, and should tell you everything you need to know about the man’s perspective on the current dating culture:

Apathy, Ambivalence, and Avoidance

Men aren’t just coming from a place of fear, they’re coming from a place of indifference, which is the death-knell of romance. If men are withdrawing from intimacy and vulnerability it’s probably because they don’t give a shit anymore. Not caring leads to laziness, and laziness leads to giving up.

This is what apathy, ambivalence, and avoidance looks like:

• Guys who keep circling and orbiting, but never really engaging.
• Leaving emojis or likes on social media, instead of talking or texting in any meaningful manner.
• Staying an arm’s distance away from commitment.
• Shirking responsibility
• Getting out when the going gets tough.

Women want men who are direct, proactive, and go after what they want, but I’m not sure men even know what they want. My guess is if it’s too much work, or doesn’t lead to a second date, why bother?

Women can tell when a guy’s heart isn’t into it, and if yours isn’t, you shouldn’t be dating.

Porn

Speaking of why bother, why bother making an effort, going on the apps, cleaning up, looking good, scheduling dates, and hoping to make a connection or fall in love when you have all the sex and “intimacy” you want in the palm of your hand? Pun intended.

A guy can log onto OnlyFans or create the romance bot of his dreams to get his physical/emotional needs met. Rachel Drucker: “In that world, there’s no need for conversation, no effort. No curiosity. No reciprocity. No ones’ feelings to consider. No vulnerability to navigate. Just a closed loop of consumption.”

Talk about the death-knell of romance!

Getting Older

If dating burn-out and bitterness doesn’t blow the wind out of a guy’s sails, getting older just might.

A funny thing happens to both single men AND women as they age: dating becomes less of a priority. If they’ve been divorced long enough or single long enough, they realize they’re actually fine being alone without a partner or a relationship. And once that happens, they lose the need or desire to date.

They’ve got their kids, grandkids, pets, pickleball, golf, Netflix, and other hobbies keeping them busy and happy. And good for them. There’s something very empowering about going solo and making peace with your single status.

But still, I’m a hopeful romantic. I want people to find love.

Men, you are missed, we need you to come back. Women, we need you to make it easier for them to return. To do this, everyone needs to do their part. Communicate clearly, be willing to understand each other better, respect each other’s challenges, and be kind. Most of all, remember that no one’s perfect. There must be mutual grace for love to live.

For more actionable dating advice (and tell-all dating stories too), check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.

For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.