If your ex is obsessed with you, you probably left your ex and triggered his or her separation anxiety. You deprived your ex of love and made your ex crave your validation and the reassurance that he or she is safe and cared for.
Because you pulled away without or almost without warning, you essentially destroyed your ex’s self-esteem and brought out all of his or her unprocessed worries and childhood fears and insecurities.
This means you revealed your ex’s deep-rooted/unresolved issues and coincidentally made your ex think of you as his or her savior – as someone who has the power to cause pain and reduce pain.
Your ex thought that by talking to you, he or she could make you care and invest in the relationship. Care and investment would have empowered your ex and stopped him or her from feeling unwanted and unworthy.
So if your ex is obsessed with you, bear in mind that your ex doesn’t necessarily have to have below-average self-esteem. Although self-esteem is the biggest contributor to post-breakup desperation, not all dumpees are desperate because of it.
Many dumpees are obsessed with their ex simply because the breakup devastated them, destroyed their plans for the future, disoriented them, and introduced them to never before felt gut-wrenching separation anxiety.
First breakups are often the most difficult ones. First-time dumpees tend not to be developed and don’t yet have the skills to cope with rejection and difficult emotions that arise because of them.
Hence why they make breakup mistakes such as begging and pleading, messaging their ex, and asking their friends to change their ex’s mind about the breakup.
They don’t understand that their ex needs time and that resisting the breakup tends to have the opposite of the desired effect; it makes dumpers annoyed, repulsed, and tired—and much less interested in getting back together.
Dumpers need to be left alone so they can live their lives and not think about the breakup for a while. The less they think about their ex, the quicker they can cool off and become nostalgic.
Of course, not every dumper starts missing the dumpee, but those who do usually focus entirely on themselves and the people they want to spend their time with.
Breakups are also hard when the dumpee was codependent and/or used or abused. Such breakups take the longest to process and get over as the dumpee needs to relearn to love himself or herself and find purpose outside of the relationship.
Once the dumper has found purpose and happiness, he or she typically acknowledges that the relationship has ended for good and stops bothering the dumper.
That’s when the dumpee finally stops feeling anxious and abandoned and breaks his or her obsessive, self-destructive patterns. The dumpee finally discovers his or her self-worth and becomes open to the idea of moving on from the dumper (and perhaps even with someone else).
So bear in mind that when your ex is obsessed with you, your ex hasn’t learned or been able to let go of control yet. Your ex still wants to do something/anything to impress you, restart your feelings, and win you over. In other words, your ex wants you to validate him or her and look forward to a future with you in it.
Until your ex has detached and rebuilt his or her self-esteem and life in general, you can expect your ex to crave your reassurance and the life he or she had before the breakup. That’s just the way breakups work. They affect dumpees to the point where they act obsessively and refuse to move on.
Whether your ex will continue to reach out in the meantime is anyone’s guess. It depends mainly on your ex’s personality, thinking, behavioral patterns, self-esteem, and the way you handle the breakup.
But to be safe, you should probably remember that your ex is going through one of the most difficult (if not the most) difficult times of his/her life and that your ex’s obsession is expected and perfectly normal.
It’s normal for him or her to want to be with you and feel an unquenchable desire to receive a validating response from you. It’s not normal though for your ex to contact you all the time, guilt-trip you, threaten you, stalk you in person, and try to make you jealous and bring a reaction out of you.
The dumper may not like feeling abandoned. But that doesn’t give the dumper the right to project his or her anger, depression, or obsession onto you and expect you to fix his or her broken heart. The dumper shouldn’t try to make you miserable and bring you down with him.
Instead, the dumper should be understanding and working toward complete detachment.
In today’s article, we shed some light on why your ex is obsessed with you and what you can do to minimize your ex’s obsession and encourage healing.
My ex is obsessed with me
If your ex is obsessed with you, you probably feel overprioritized and smothered. You feel like your ex needs you to love himself/herself and survive in this world. And to top it off, you no longer perceive your ex the way you did when you were a healthy/balanced couple.
Now that the breakup happened, your ex’s wooing affects you negatively. It makes you want to run away and not be reminded of your ex anymore. The thought of being with your ex repulses you and makes it difficult to see your ex’s positive traits.
At the moment, all you see are reasons why the relationship ended and why you need to focus on yourself and those who make you feel good in their presence.
The reason you feel this way is that you’ve focused on the negative aspects of the relationship and allowed yourself to detach. You’ve given up on the connection you’d established and convinced yourself that you’ll be happier without your ex and eventually with someone else.
That’s why whenever your ex tries to get your attention, you feel that your ex is pressuring you, draining your energy, and wasting your time—time that you could be spending on better things and with better people.
Anyway, if your ex is just a little obsessed with you, your ex is probably just heartbroken and eager for reconciliation. Your ex wants you back so your ex can stop hurting and feel valued and accepted.
But if your ex is downright desperate, self-degrading, impulsive, angry, mean, or vengeful, then your ex is indeed very obsessed with you. You’re dealing with a person who lacks the skills, experience, and willpower to distance himself or herself from you and find healthier ways to cope with separation pain.
Your ex basically wants to skip self-improvement and take the quick road to healing. This road requires no therapy, self-love, patience, perseverance, or acceptance of the breakup. All it requires is for you to take your ex back.
A quick reconciliation would immediately boost your ex’s self-esteem, stop your ex’s suffering, and give your ex hope for the future.
Currently, your ex is hopeless and feels deprived of happy hormones.
The breakup completely severed his or her daily dose of happiness that the relationship unknowingly supplied him or her with. Your ex may not be aware of it, but your ex misses those happy hormones and wishes things would go back to the way they were.
Some things obsessed ex-partners do are:
- message or call their ex frequently
- ask their ex for favors or offer to do favors
- show up unannounced/drive by their ex’s place
- analyze their ex’s social media friends and behavior
- watch their ex’s Netflix/YouTube/Spotify playlists for changes
- ask their friends to update them on their ex
- pay attention to the way their ex dresses and the places he or she goes to
- try to win their ex back by any means necessary
Dumpees tend to be quite obsessed with their ex. Most of them have a hard time controlling their emotions and actions, which is why they check up on their ex online from time to time and ignore various post-breakup rules. Some even reach out after a while and see if their ex has changed his or her mind about them yet.
Dumpees lack control over their ex’s life, so they try to regain control by saying or doing something that grabs their ex’s attention. This pushes their ex away further as they make their ex feel guilty, angry, or both.
Seldom do dumpees leave a good impression on their ex by reaching out first and showing that they’re not the same people anymore. When they do make a good impression, it’s usually because their ex has already processed the breakup and started missing the dumpee.
That implies the dumper has failed to find happiness or the kind of happiness he or she expected to find.
Why is my ex obsessed with me?
The reason your ex is obsessed with you is because your ex was close to you, developed romantic feelings, devised plans for the future, and had romantic expectations. Your ex hoped to stay with you and work on a future together with you.
But because you didn’t want that, you hurt your ex’s feelings and pride and made him or her take the breakup very personally. You made your ex want your love more than ever before and caused so much pain that it made your ex obsessed with you; particularly with your forgiveness, acceptance, and validation.
If you were patient with your ex and offered closure, you’re probably not responsible for your ex’s obsession. Your ex developed an obsession because of the breakup and the inability to deal with difficult post-breakup blues.
Maybe your ex was codependent or had abandonment issues you didn’t know about. Or perhaps your ex just never learned to accept things that were out of his or her control.
Regardless of your ex’s past and personality, your ex has trouble accepting and/or letting go of the breakup. Most dumpees do. They need at least a few months to stop feeling depressed and start focusing on themselves again.
To get over the breakup, they need at least half a year (conservatively speaking).
So if it’s only been a few weeks or months, don’t expect your ex to be over you and ready to act as if you never dated. Breakups cause some serious shock and anxiety that often require therapy, journaling, or other letting-go methods.
In some unfortunate cases, they even cause mental health problems and drive dumpees to commit suicide.
That’s why you need to take breakups seriously and think of them as some of the most difficult predicaments people go through.
If you just brand your ex as a desperate, manipulative, low-self-esteem ex and treat your ex as a no one, you’ll badly damage your ex’s perception of himself and make your ex even more obsessed with you.
I know that’s hard to believe, but your actions and inactions also determine how obsessed your ex is. The less considerate you are of your ex, the more likely it is that your ex will stay anxious and desperate for your recognition.
In simple terms, if you talk badly about your ex, blame your ex, respond angrily, and post your new dating prospect all over your social media, you’ll show how little the relationship meant to you and destroy your ex’s hope for getting back together.
Although your ex needs to lose hope, your ex must do it slowly at the speed that is healthy for your ex. Your ex mustn’t see that you’re already in love with someone else and that you don’t care about him/her or the relationship.
Seeing you with someone else will shock if not traumatize your ex and make your ex resent your unwillingness to handle things maturely, reflect on the breakup, and improve the things that need improving.
So if you denied your ex closure, met someone else, or did anything that hurt your ex rather than encouraged detachment, know that you’re partly responsible for your ex’s obsessive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Your lack of sympathy triggered your ex’s anxiety and destroyed your ex’s relationship expectations and hope for the future.
Your ex will now need to find ways to cope with the new reality and learn to slowly let it go.
Next time, remember to be mindful of your ex’s pain and help your ex if your ex needs your help.
That said, here are 6 reasons why your ex is obsessed with you.
What to do when your ex is obsessed with you?
When your ex is obsessed with you, he or she is constantly checking up on you and looking for signs that you’re going to get back together. Your ex is checking your socials, talking to mutual friends about you, and holding on to hope that you’ll one day (hopefully soon) become regretful and express your regret.
There’s nothing you can do to stop your ex from thinking that way. But what you can do is remember that your ex is watching you with an eagle eye and prevent your ex from getting more hurt and obsessed.
You can do that by answering your ex’s questions and decreasing your ex’s anxiety when your ex feels undesired, weak, and overwhelmed. You must remember that anxiety, depression, and desperation don’t make your ex a loser.
They make your ex a victim because whether he or she was at fault or your ex doesn’t deserve to suffer.
No one does.
He or she may not be moving on in the most confident ways (in ways you want him or her to), but your ex is fighting for lost control and power and wants you to acknowledge his or her worth and everything your ex did for you and the relationship.
If your ex feels valued and respected as a person, your ex will probably have an easier time accepting the breakup and moving on from it.
So while your ex is working on getting his or her self-esteem back up, don’t do anything that would decrease your ex’s self-esteem.
Don’t:
- show off your happiness on social media
- give your ex unnecessary hope or conversely, kill too much hope
- stay in touch with your ex (string your ex along) just because you feel bad for your ex
- date while your ex is recovering
- spread rumors about your ex
- tell your ex to stop being desperate and get a grip
- or do anything that could hurt your ex directly or indirectly
So if your e is obsessed with you and you don’t want your ex to be, try to support your ex rather than push your ex away. Support your ex in a way that boosts your ex’s self-esteem and keeps his or her hopes for reconciliation low.
You can do this by explaining why the breakup happened and saying that you have respect for your ex, but that talking isn’t healthy and that it’s best you both get some space from each other.
You can add that your ex can reach out if he/she has questions and wants closure, but that if your ex wants to talk about random things or the breakup, you’d rather not engage in conversation.
You have your own things to do and unwanted feelings to avoid and work on.
Is your ex obsessed with you? What does his/her obsession look like? Let us know in the comments below.
And if you wish to talk to us about your ex’s fixation on you, subscribe for a breakup coaching session with us.
