Despite the initial appeal, revenge affairs are ultimately a more difficult path. The saying ‘Hurt people, hurt people’ is a common theme in literature and music for a reason. The desire to make someone who has caused you immense pain to understand your suffering can be overwhelming and may seem like the only path to peace. However, in intimate relationships, revenge rarely brings the desired relief.
So, why do people still turn to revenge affairs?
Revenge affairs are simply the act of going out and seeking an external relationship (emotional or physical) in response to a partner’s betrayal. Revenge affairs come from a place of pain, anger, sadness, and contempt. A revenge affair can be alluring for several reasons. The reasons for a revenge affair I hear most often are:
- To “balance the scorecard” or cause the offending partner the same pain
- Escape-ism
- Perceived sense of control
- Seeking love or physical affection missing in the current relationship
Balance the Scorecard
When one partner finds out about an affair, the amount of pain and anger can be some of the most intense in one’s life. It can feel like so many dreams and expectations shatter in a matter of moments. The idea that one person will show the other how this devastation feels is a move that has played out many times for many people.
The betrayed partner may feel like creating a ‘balance’ of painful emotions in the relationship will help the couple to move forward because their spouse will have experienced their pain and suffering. However, this concept of ‘balancing the scorecard’ is often a misguided attempt to restore a sense of fairness or justice, but it rarely works. People experience and express pain differently, so many will feel unsatisfied by their partner’s response to their revenge affair.
This path can also often have the opposite effect and make the future less clear by creating more holes in the foundation of trust. This action is also born out of contempt– the feeling that someone is lesser than and deserving of disrespect, humiliation, or scorn. Interestingly, contempt in a relationship (with or without betrayal) is one of the biggest predictors of divorce. If one’s goal is to create a level playing field to work on healing a relationship, contempt will send them in the opposite direction.
Escapism
In many couple situations, affairs do not happen out of the blue. When triaging with couples after a betrayal, I often find that there were already challenges in the relationship or emotional and physical needs not being met by one or both partners. A partner may seek out a revenge affair to escape the pain or “feel” in a way they haven’t in some time in their long-term relationship. I hear this often described as “needing a distraction”. While there may be some instant gratification or much-needed attention provided in the heat of the moment, a revenge affair can go against one’s values, and the aftermath leads to personal feelings of shame, anxiety, and sadness.
These emotions complicate the situation further and make healing harder between the partners. The external relationship is more of a bandaid and a way to avoid the negative emotions flooding the betrayed partner. What we know about emotions is that they do not just go away by avoidance. They will creep back in or hang in our subconscious, impacting other areas of life or future relationships. I like my dirty laundry analogy when I talk about avoidance and escapism of emotions- you can shove your dirty laundry in the closet week by week to avoid addressing it, but eventually, the closet will overflow, or you will run out of clean underwear.
Perceived sense of control
Feeling a loss of control or sense of agency in the aftermath of an affair is a very normal experience. A revenge affair can seem like an opportunity to regain control by showing the other partner they are desirable and can also make choices for the relationship. However, this perceived sense of control gained from a revenge affair is often an illusion. The individual emotions (shame, anxiety, contempt, etc.) create more holes in the foundation of trust, and the situation and conversations become more chaotic and challenging to manage.
The revenge affair can also become a partner’s fuel to confirm their desire to leave. Not all unfaithful partners are ready to reconcile, and the additional damage may take away the last bit of say the betrayed partner has in fixing the relationship. I want to point out that I am using the word ‘perceived’ carefully and purposefully. Though we do not control others’ behaviors or feelings in any context, we control our own. When we feel out of control, it is important to always reset on this fact.
Seeking love or physical affection
During the healing process from a betrayal, love and affection can feel abundant and almost like a ‘love bomb,’ or they can feel scarce for different reasons. Some individuals seek out a revenge affair to feel the love and affection they are missing in their relationship. However, it’s crucial to understand that this is a temporary fix. Revenge affairs may provide immediate relief or fill an immediate need. Still, they do not provide long-term benefits, especially if you want to reconcile and rebuild trust in a relationship. The relief is fleeting, and the consequences are long-lasting.
Revenge affairs do not often bring people back together, level the playing field, provide perspective, meet one’s needs, rebuild trust, or create peace and healing within someone or a relationship. Instead, they cause more conflict and turmoil, further break trust, and deepen the chaos and lack of control resulting from a betrayal. If you are considering a revenge affair, it’s crucial to pause and think about alternatives. Could individual therapy, discernment counseling, or couples therapy be more constructive? Are there healthy ways to ‘escape’ and relieve pain, such as healthy social support you can lean into? Consider strategies like open communication, setting boundaries, and seeking professional help to navigate the complex emotions and challenges of a betrayal. Remember, two wrongs don’t make a right and will not lead you to true peace and long-term healing together or on your own paths.
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