Should We Break Up or Stay Together?

Can this Relationship be Saved? Should We Breakup or Stay Together?

Are you asking yourself “should we breakup of stay together?” As a couples counselor and discernment counselor, I have clients who also ask this question.

“Do we break up or stay together?”

If you’ve been going through some hard times in your relationship, you’ve probably wondered this recently.

In fact, you might even have moved on to bigger questions. Questions like, should you break up or stay together? Is it worth it? How can you tell? Which signs indicate that a relationship is meant to last, and which means that it’s time to call it quits?

Let’s clear a few of those questions up today.

All Relationships Go Through Hard Times

I’ve been a breakup and divorce counselor for years, a discernment counselor for over a decade, the author of Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love, and a married person for even longer than that. And I can say, with confidence, that all relationships go through hard times. Any couple (and a lot do) could find themselves at the cross street of moving forward or parting ways – many wonder should we breakup or stay together. So, if you are finding yourself in this moment now, know that you’re not alone.

Even strong, healthy couples — with a lifetime of love ahead of them — can have weeks, months, or even years where they do not feel good about their partnership. It’s true! Even THAT couple has wondered whether they should breakup or stay together.

Communication is hard, and even the most committed partners will experience some growing pains as they truly get to know each other. Unfortunately, sometimes people think that this natural stage is a sign that they aren’t compatible, and they call things off before their relationship has a chance to evolve.

This is normal. But couples who don’t break up, who commit to solving their problems and growing together, can emerge from hard times having grown as people, with stronger relationships than ever before. I’ve seen it happen, and it’s happened in my own marriage. Not getting along for a spell does not necessarily mean you should break up. 

So for the rest of this article, let’s break down which signs indicate a potential growth opportunity for your relationship, and which mean that you and your partner are truly incompatible.

How Do You Know It’s Time to Break Up?

Here are ten questions to ask yourself as you decide whether to work on your relationship, or end it:

1. Does my partner fundamentally prioritize my wellbeing?
2. Am I being treated with love and respect?
3. Have I communicated my feelings and needs openly with my partner?
4. How does my partner respond when I ask for what I need?
5. Do we share long-term goals and values?
6. Am I holding on to this relationship out of love, fear, obligation, or convenience?
7. Are the issues we’re facing things that are unique to this relationship? Or things I’m likely to experience in my next relationship?
8. What have I done to resolve the issues in this relationship?
9. Is my partner committed to working toward positive change in our relationship? Am I?

How to Tell: Should We Breakup or Stay Together?

All relationships go through rough patches. And while many rough patches are actually an opportunity for growth, there are situations where a relationship is too far gone to be salvaged. Can you solve your relationship problems without breaking up? There are partnerships where partners are fundamentally incompatible. And there are toxic, unhealthy relationships that aren’t good for anyone. Sometimes, breaking up is the best thing for both of you.

But it can be hard to decipher which rough patches are “normal” relationship turbulence, and which are red flags that mean you should break up. Things get even more complicated when you add factors like children or shared living situations into the mix.

Even when it seems like breaking up is clearly the only option, people still wonder if they’re doing the right thing, or if they should give their relationship just one more chance.

Because deciding “should we breakup or stay together” is such a hard decision, we dedicated an entire podcast to answering all of your questions. In the podcast, we answer questions like:

1. “How long should it take to see improvement in my relationship?”
2. “In my heart, I don’t want to be married to this person anymore. Will our love ever come back? Can this marriage be saved?”
3. “Is what I’m seeing solvable, or is this a sign that we should break up?”
4. “Once a cheater, always a cheater? Can you have a good relationship after infidelity?”
5. “I’m not being treated well by my boyfriend. Can this change?”
6. “How do I know if I’ve tried hard enough to save my relationship?”

So if you’ve been going through a hard time in your relationship, and you’re questioning whether to breakup or stay together, go forward with your partner or look elsewhere, I hope that this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast can help you decide if it’s time to break up, or if your relationship can be saved after all.

Sincerely,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. — Couples counseling is not just for married people. Working with a marriage and family therapist is how couples find their opportunities for growth and strengthen their relationships so that they can stand the test of time. If you’d like support from a couples counselor on my team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.

Episode Highlights: Should We Breakup or Stay Together?

• Two Kinds of Relationships
  • There are two kinds of relationships: normal but challenging and scary, and difficult.
  • It’s not always clear-cut, but once one partner is set on ending the relationship, it’s hard to save it.
  • You have to make calls on whether what’s happening is simply circumstantial or it recurs too much and is already a deal-breaker.
• When It’s Too Late
  • You and your partner might not have understood each other at first due to the lack of communication.
  • It also happens that a partner takes the other for granted, especially when there are no complaints or when there is just constant compliance.
  • The rule of thumb is, if you can’t be accepting of the other person and you need them to change before you change, then it’s time to end the relationship.
• How To Tell When Dating if you Should Breakup or Stay Together
  • There’s a saying in dating: fail fast.
  • Dating is an audition: how they treat you now is how they will treat you in the future. Their behavior towards you is unlikely to change.
• No Longer Working– Should We Breakup or Stay Together?
  • If you’ve done everything you can to save the relationship, then it’s definitely time to cut ties.
  • Even if you say you’re staying in a toxic marriage for your children, it’s also important to remember to model what a healthy relationship looks like for your kids.
  • Model a good relationship for them, but also show them what a healthy individual looks like.

Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC( PhD, LP, LMFT, BCC )