Chapter 1
The Incomplete Man
When our older son was five, he took a series of developmental assessments
to determine his readiness for elementary school, including a Gesell
“Incomplete Man” Test.
Afterwards, his kindergarten evaluator informed us that our son had
meticulously filled out the left side of the figure in great detail, but running
out of time, he had left the right side blank. This “error,” along with the fact
that he had given his Incomplete Man a penis, was interpreted as evidence
that our wonderful boy was developmentally delayed. It was unlikely that
he would ever catch up and thrive at the school’s kindergarten that she
was interviewing him for. She advised us to seek admission elsewhere. (He
graduated from Harvard seventeen years later.)
At the time, I didn’t understand how much my son’s assessment mirrored
my own lifelong journey (and that of generations of men) as we
attempt to frame new forms of masculinity that more authentically
respond to today’s requirements. Much as we have tried, most of us are
still struggling to develop a complete picture of what it means to be a
good man in a world where the concept of masculinity and the dynamics
between men and women are rapidly changing. Although we know we
need to make a shift, we are unable to frame and step into our new role.
We remain frozen in part because the old models of masculinity are
strictly enforced, and the potential social and financial consequences of
exhibiting our full humanity as men, in defiance of their edicts, holds us
back from moving forward. Our inertia is also due to the fact that the
way in which we are raised to fulfill the expectations of these traditional
models often forces us to hide or erase the very capacities we need in
order to make a shift. As a result, we remain “Incomplete Men,” stick
figures missing critical pieces of our male identities. Getting Naked: A
Field Guide for Men offers a framework, a set of key insights inherent in
our evolving understandings of masculinity that might help you move
forward.
This is not the first time that men have tried to reframe the way
we roll. In the early 1980s and 1990s, the mythopoetic men’s movement
aspired to deepen our understanding of the male psyche and clarify
how it might differ from the new identities women had assumed as a
result of the feminist movement. The ideas expressed by Robert Bly
(Iron John, 1990), Sam Keen (Fire in the Belly, 1991), Joseph Campbell
(The Power of Myth, 1988), Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette (King,
Warrior, Magician, Lover, 1990), John Eldredge (Wild at Heart, 2001),
and Richard Rohr (From Wild Man to Wise Man, 2005) continue to be
touchstones for today’s men who are committed to preserving and protecting
“the best parts” of traditional models of masculinity. Although
much effort has been poured into a “new masculinity” movement which
builds on these models, men’s retreats can often become trauma centers
where guys can safely reveal their pain, without forfeiting their standing
as a “real man,” but are still not given the tools to effectively shift
behavior. We grieve, we attempt to improve our interactions and relationships
with loved ones, but much of our behavior remains unchanged.
A further problem is that these gatherings can often become ways in
which we reify and reintegrate some of the negative norms of the male
code and can even reinforce social structures that contemporary society
is evolving away from. Today’s men’s retreats are an important step in
the journey, but they don’t offer a complete roadmap of possibilities for
moving forward.
The great risks and destructive impacts that are inherent in maintaining
the status quo have become vividly clear over the past few years.
Richard Reeves’s excellent analysis Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern
Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It sounds an
alarm that we must take seriously. His findings confirm that millions of
boys and young men are struggling in school, at work, and in the family
at a level that exceeds our prior estimations. In his view, in addition to
the work that needs to be done at the individual level, men’s struggle is a
structural problem that requires meaningful policy solutions. This book
will focus on the former—the work that we can do now as individuals
while other experts address structural issues. It’s clear that something
must be done to reduce the current pain points experienced by men and
women.
MAN BOX CULTURE
We are going to organize our search for solutions at the individual level
using a framework that shines a light on the set of behaviors that have
trapped men for years. The consequences of men performing these
traditionally masculine behaviors were first codified by Paul Kivel and
Tony Porter as the “Man Box.” They have been dramatically articulated
by Mark Greene, former senior editor of The Good Men Project, and a
good friend, in his excellent précis, The Little #MeToo Book for Men.
His brief, incisive prose distills Kivel and Porter’s construct into an
actionable set of understandings of how men are caught in a web of
expectations of what it means to be male from which it is difficult to
escape. It’s a must read for every man eager to throw off the yoke of its
oppression.
Here’s a quick summary of Mark’s brief. The Man Box is a narrowly
defined set of traditional rules for being a man that are enforced through
shaming and bullying, in order to enforce conformity to our current
culture of masculinity, and to perpetuate the domination, even exploitation
of people who are perceived to be “other” or of lesser stature when
compared to straight men—most often, women and the LGBTQIA2S+
community. In this model of masculinity, a man is expected to be:
■ Strong and stoic
■ Unemotional, expressing no feelings except anger and lust
■ Providers (never caregivers)
■ Heterosexual, hyper-masculine, sexually dominant
■ Able-bodied, a person who never asks for help
■ Someone who plays or watches sports
■ Domineering in every exchange
Each deviation, no matter how small, is policed. It is important to
note that many aspects of this culture of masculinity cut across race and
the socio-economic spectrum, providing a point of common experience
and set of expectations for all men around the globe. It is a universally
shared understanding among men, for better or worse.
The objective of this dominance-based culture of masculinity is to
eradicate and target difference in male norms, granting permission for
aggression—large or small—so that power can accrue to the guys on
top. It is a narrow and repressive form of manhood that is defined by
violence, sex, status, and assault, a cultural construct where strength,
power, and status are everything, and showing emotions, being open, or
engaging in relational empathy are signs of weakness. A social system
where sex and aggression are the yardsticks by which men are measured.
One of its main strengths is that it insists on acquiescence and silent
acceptance. That means that most guys don’t challenge the paradigm or
the misdeeds of other men for fear of retaliation.
The culture of masculinity is very hierarchical. One of the key tenets
of the “Man Box” is that in order to sit at the top of the hierarchy of men,
we must reject the personal qualities that our Western society identifies
as “feminine.” The world of emotions and social cognition—being
empathetic, networked, connected, open, and transparent—is devalued
as unmanly. Instead, this macho code of behavior reveres a male that
is silent, tough, independent, hyper-competitive, and it bears repeating,
hyper-sexual. Greene and others contend that this hierarchical system
for establishing a man’s relative status and power is responsible for the
current epidemic of loneliness, depression, substance abuse, and suicide
among men, because of the way that the Man Box forces boys to detach
from their emotions and adhere to a rigid set of expectations that inflict
significant damage. We will talk more about that in Chapter 4.
A veritable platoon of sociologists and psychologists—William
Pollack (Real Boys, 1998), Michael Gurian (The Wonder of Boys, 1996),
Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson (Raising Cain, 1999), and later
Michael Reichert (How to Raise a Boy, 2019)—have documented the
destructive emotional training that our society imposes upon boys. The
irony here is that the way we men are raised prevents us from having
the very tools we now most need in order to initiate a paradigm shift.
We have neither the emotional conditioning nor the communication
skills to navigate a “highly polarized system between women and men.”
Two decades have passed since some of these popular bestsellers
armed a generation of parents, myself included, with an understanding
of the importance of nurturing the emotional intelligence of young boys.
You might have thought that by now a new generation of men would
exhibit less of the derogatory, dismissive behavior that prior generations
have shown towards women. Instead, as we have recently learned from
Peggy Orenstein in her book, Boys and Sex: Young Men on Hookups,
Love, Porn, Consent, and the New Masculinity, if anything “the definition
of masculinity seems to be contracting,” and the exploitation of
women continues. Much as we would like to believe that the new generation
of men is behaving better than their fathers, the evidence is not
encouraging.
Indeed, men and women seem to be locked in a battle to determine
what the prevailing model of masculinity and its corresponding
attitudes towards women going forward will be. Many pundits observed
that the 2020 presidential election asked voters “to consider what masculinity
means,” forcing us to choose between a version of masculinity
that stresses macho, plain-spoken toughness, and another model that
emphasizes family empathy, caring for and protecting others. As feminist
author Susan Faludi, and journalists Claire Cain Miller and Alisha
Haridasani Gupta brilliantly observed in their pieces for the New York
Times just before the election, the stakes just keep getting higher and
higher. The challenge is that this debate is all too often framed as males
having to make a choice between being either traditional or progressive,
when the invitation that is being offered men in this moment is the
choice to be both.
Further complicating men’s ability to make a shift is the dark
underbelly of our tough, self-confident male egos. We struggle with
deep-seated shame about our bodies and sexual impulses. In diametric
opposition to its adoration of the breast and vulva, our culture treats
the penis as an object of ridicule and scorn. At a very early age our initial
delight in our unusual piece of anatomy is replaced by a sense of
embarrassment instilled by our elders, which is later amplified by the
non-stop messaging by men, women, and the media that the penis
is a sexual assault weapon. Making matters worse is the fact that the
penis seems to have a mind of its own. Increasingly research confirms
that we all occupy a spot on the spectrum of desire that is a mix of
hetero- and homosexual impulses, as Kinsey first reported in 1948. It
further suggests that men’s sexual impulses are likely not singular and
fixed. Indeed, the research indicates that our “orientation” may be a pattern
of preference (sometimes the result of a committed partnership)
that at any time could change. That is, our sexual orientation is not a
neurochemical phenomenon that is static and stabile (though our preferences
may be for a host of reasons). Uncomfortable with our bodies,
and unable to process the underlying fluidity inherent in our sexuality,
men do not permit themselves to acknowledge and express the full
range of their impulses, except within the narrow band of behaviors that
society validates. This is, of course, extremely challenging due to the
insistent biological imperatives that will not be denied and every man
experiences throughout his adult life. We are, both men and women, by
nature, extremely physical, sensual, sexual beings.
A final force holding men back is the fact that our secular society
does not encourage men to be spiritual. Although the Pew Research
Center reports that significant demographic segments are moving away
from religion while continuing to believe in a higher power, most men
are groomed to devalue their spiritual leanings in favor of exhibiting
an orientation towards material achievement that is required to be considered
a successful adult male. Our inexperience cultivating the life of
the Spirit removes a key instrument for change in a guy’s toolbox, one
that it is my contention is absolutely essential. Why? Every wisdom text
from around the world has recorded that all fundamental, long-lasting,
transformational change comes from within.
All these challenges have been brought to a tipping point recently by
the onset of COVID-19. The fundamental assumption underlying traditional
constructs of masculinity—a man’s personal agency to achieve a
desired outcome in a system where he has some control—was removed,
at least for that moment. The question is: In which direction will men
make a shift after this disruptive period? Will we return back to the old
models that are well-rehearsed, understood, and safe, but do not serve
us well, or will we leap into a new, emerging paradigm? Do we even have
a choice? Is this powerful disease forcing men to learn lessons that we
have long resisted, demanding that we adopt new behaviors? Is the virus
virulent enough to create permanent and lasting change in the way that
we live? What will the new norms for being perceived as a 21st Century
Male look like in this modern era? Will these norms be adopted by a
broad spectrum of men, not just the current pioneers? And what is the
critical path for getting there?
I believe that men are ready for a fresh look at how we might construct
our own authentic form of masculinities, with new norms of what
it means to be a man. I also believe that this effort must literally strip
men down (as all male initiation rites since the beginning of time have
done)—physically, emotionally, mentally—so that we can build our new
identities from the ground up, inside out. We will never experience the
change we seek unless men recover and re-energize the innate capacities
within us. We must learn how to be bold and at the same time fiercely
loving and kind. Everything else will follow.
A ROADMAP FOR MAKING A SHIFT
Recognizing that broad platitudes will get us nowhere, I have identified
seven areas of exploration that men can focus on in order to move forward,
based on studies by sociologists and other academics observing
male behavior, conversations with several psychotherapists whose client
lists skew towards men, and my own personal experience. I will describe
each of these seven areas in the succeeding chapters, offering research
findings, illustrative stories from my own life and from the lives of others,
along with some practical suggestions and exercises that you might
find useful.
I am proposing these seven areas for personal exploration in order
to create a significant transformation in your life, from the inside out.
Each territory for investigation enables men to disable a key tenet of the
Man Box’s influence over our behavior, so that we might create our own
new, more authentic way of being male.
■ ■ ■
This guide is for men who are eager to reframe the behavioral patterns that are deeply engrained inside us about what it means to be a “real man,” despite these patterns being at odds with the new set of expectations that confront today’s men. These patterns have been categorized by social commentators as the “Man Box” because they are so deeply encoded into our society and our individual behaviors that many men find it difficult to challenge its “rules.” Men have created these definitions of masculinity over time as a way to distribute and control power. Although the “Man Box” is a prison for many (some would argue all) men, there is a payoff for men in maintaining the status quo as we benefit from this system of oppression. For a host of reasons that are discussed in Getting Naked: A Field Guide for Men, it’s long past time for us to take responsibility for making a cultural shift that better supports the needs of all individuals, including our own. Getting Naked attempts to answer the question of how we might evolve from being emotionally detached providers, warriors, and protectors into becoming compassionate nurturers, companions, and seekers as well. It suggests ways in which aspects of our personalities that are conditioned out of us can be reclaimed and turned into strengths. It reflects forty years of experience trying to expand the narrow, rigid definitions of manhood that our society forces upon men, along with the latest academic research and the stories of other men who have been fellow travelers on this journey.
I hope that the book provides insights that advance the current conversation about what it means to be a 21st-century man. My deepest wish is that Getting Naked inspires generations of men to develop their innate capacities to engage with their wives, partners, children, colleagues, and friends in an open-hearted way that will enable them to experience the grace, power, and joy of being alive, connected, and unabashedly male. https://www.instagram.com/mark_grayson_/reel/DTi4I2xgdGq/
A Seven-Part Journey Towards Becoming a 21st Century Male
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Seated male nude by William Etty.jpg on Wikimedia
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