The One Simple Switch That Transforms Every Relationship You Have

MAUDE: I had a conversation with my friend Dale the other day that I found very inspiring. She told me of an event she experienced while walking near her home. She encountered a group of women from the block standing and discussing some things together. Among them was the woman who lived next door to her. In the discussion, she gave her opinion about something, and the one who lived next door said somewhat aggressively, “Oh, I can see you and I have very different political views!” Dale looked at the woman and, smiling, replied, “Well, you are my neighbor, and that is much more important to me than what our political views are.”

That response changed the relationship completely, and as a result, these two became friends. Dale had shifted from being involved with her opinions and sharing them to a direct interest in the person of her neighbor, and the results transformed this relationship.

This story led me to think about a switch that can change the very nature of a relationship. It requires one very simple thing: shift your attention from yourself to the other person. This may sound more complicated to you than it is. If you have decided to pursue peaceful relationships, then this will not be difficult. You have already made the choice to be aware of how you are interacting and to find methods that take you forth on a path toward peace.

Paying attention and being aware of the other person is part of that path. You can best do that by switching your focus to them.

This is transformational and has many immediate benefits. When you shift your awareness and attention to another, they sense it. It is a palpable difference. It calls forth a similar response in the other person. It brings both of you into the present, and in that present is the interaction between the two of you; not what is about to happen or what just happened, but rather what the two of you are sharing with each other. There lies the richness of connection and the ability to hear and be heard, to see and be seen.

This way of being together is relaxed and comforting. It eliminates many of the tensions of what each of you may be feeling in your individual lives. The place of connecting in the present with awareness of each other is one of peace. It is a place of sharing and love.

PHIL: Here’s some advice for all your relationships: shift attention from yourself to the other person. This is powerful for two reasons. Firstly, it makes sense. The idea of being present, as described in books like Be Here Now and The Power of Now, is commonplace these days, so it is easy to see that placing our attention on another person is a form of being present. It is a way of removing the preoccupation with ourselves: our daydreams, plans, worries, self-image (how do I look, am I witty), and being present with the other person.

But that is just a description of why it makes sense. The real power of the injunction is when you actually do it. By paying full attention to the other person, you open up a channel that was formerly a trickle. The experience is very different. Listen to what they are saying, the tone behind it, what drives them to say it, what their world must be like, and how they arrived at that place.

You are opening to how they are, and you are offering not just words, but your self. When you do this, it is visible to the other person. By feeling seen and accepted, they are invited to look further within and share more.

This isn’t true for everybody. There are people who are so trapped within themselves that they don’t recognize the connection. Don’t take it personally; take it as fascinating all by itself. Offer your attention to everyone, from the checkout clerk to your partner. That’s how we spread connection in the world. That’s how we spread peace.

Here are some articles that highlight different aspects of shifting attention from yourself to the other person.

How Attentive Listening Strengthens Your Relationships “Pay attention! Listen! These seem like rather simple admonishments. And yet, so many of us find it very challenging to do so. Listening to others with an open heart and full attention seems to have become almost a lost art. I say art because it is indeed one. Many people struggle to empty their minds of all the input surrounding them daily. Screens abound, pouring forth information and challenges. In this flood of data, relationships can offer a deeply needed place for a different kind of being. Learning to listen to one another is an especially profound way of experiencing this opportunity. I recently had an encounter that reminded me of the riches to be harvested from the simple act of sitting in the stillness of listening to another person.”

How Hanging Out Enhances and Strengthens Your Relationships “It is about giving our full attention to each other and the connection between us. It doesn’t really matter what we are involved in, as what we are really doing is reveling in being with each other, in sharing who we are and taking pleasure in the deep sense of connection we have. The feelings that arise from this experience are calming, nurturing and give us sustenance for our daily living. Our evening times together are a form of play that is best described as “hanging out time.” It applies to all kinds of relationships. I find this is an art that got lost a bit during the early times of Covid and has been re-emerging for a few years through renewing in-person visiting, as well as other forms like long phone visits, Face-timing, and online hangouts. I have other relationships where we have found ways to share hangout times. I delight in my time with a few long-distance friends, where we have perfected hanging out on the phone and catching up and sharing our lives, crying, laughing and being with one another. I read a book aloud with my thirteen-year-old grandson on Facetime regularly. It’s a period when there is no one there but the two of us, and we enjoy the book, but also catch up on his life and concerns. One of my friends tells me she gets close to her grandson while driving him from one place to another when just the two of them are in the car, hanging out.”

Why It’s Important to Be Fully Present in Your Relationships “Every relationship feels entirely different when you are truly present in it. This difference can be recognized by both parties, whether consciously or unconsciously. When you have the experience of each person being present, many of the fears that people bring to relationships dissolve. The sense of having to be on your guard dissipates with mutual presence, as well as many misunderstandings, assumptions, and much of the fear of abandonment. Worries about the past as well as projections of the future do not live in this kind of shared presence. What are the qualities and behaviors of this way of being present with each other? A quality that rarely gets spoken of, and yet one that is felt keenly when it is not there, is being available; available with your whole person. This quality involves listening with interest and the intention to understand, as well as balancing that listening with sharing about yourself and your feelings. It calls for making the time to be with the relationship in this way.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.