The Paradox of Women Demanding Vulnerability in Men Only to Get the Ick

There is a certain theme I often hear articulated by men, and to a lesser extent, women, regarding emotional expression, and it goes like this:

Women say they want vulnerable men, yet they are quick to feel revulsion when the same men share their feelings.

Or, according to behavioral scientist, author, and dating coach Logan Ury:

To kick things off…

Scientist or not, I have never experienced this particular gendered double standard in any of my past relationships. Though, if we are being fair, I was never one to wear my emotions on my sleeve…

I will be the first to admit I’m still a work in progress on that front.

Even so, I have had my moments where I have expressed myself without ever getting the feeling that my girl’s perception of me has done a one-eighty.

If it did, I certainly wasn’t any the wiser.

So then why on God’s green earth does this narrative keep being perpetuated, even by so-called experts?

You know what? I think I know why…

There are two ways to express vulnerability

To illustrate, imagine some poor sod has just had the rug pulled out from under him at a job he solely needs.

He’s in debt up to his eyeballs, with creditors constantly hounding him. Worse still, he has a stay-at-home wife and a baby on the way. Losing a job could be about the worst thing imaginable at this time.

Now, there are three possible paths he could take once he arrives home.

Either he could say he lost his job, he will figure things out, but he doesn’t want to talk about it — essentially closing the door on this uncomfortable conversation.

or

He could come home in a sobby mess, bawling about how he is a worthless, useless husband who can’t provide for his family and that she deserves better.

or maybe

He comes home and calmly sits his wife down and explains the situation. Tells her how worried he feels, and that he is scared of the future and what would happen if he can’t find a new job fast enough. But he reassures her he will do whatever it takes to keep them afloat and that what he needs right now is her support and understanding.

The first scenario would not qualify as being vulnerable; that’s just stonewalling. He acknowledges something is wrong, but then emotionally withdraws.

The second and third, however, are both clear acts of vulnerability. The difference is that the former is more akin to emotional dumping, while the latter represents a regulated emotional response — it’s honest, open, yet grounded.

So, when women say they want a vulnerable man, more often than not, they are referring to regulated rather than disregulated vulnerability.

This is the part so many men miss.

They think to themselves, “I should be able to offload these intense feelings onto my partner, and they should just accept it,” as illustrated by the second example I gave above.

The husband showed zero regard for his pregnant wife’s capacity or situation. He wanted her to provide him relief and validation, which was selfish given her increased susceptibility to stress.

Even if she weren’t pregnant, and instead of bawling, the husband expressed unfiltered rage, envy toward those still employed, or even deflective humor, the same principle would apply.

Unrestrained emotional outbursts would still trigger the wife to feel emotionally unsafe.

The funny thing is, men deep down already know this because they experience this too.

When their wives or girlfriends suffer an emotional meltdown, they too feel unsettled. And when the behavior becomes habitual, resentment and eventually detachment are often the end result.

There is nothing wrong with showing vulnerability

If anything, it shows strength, not weakness, in the sense that openly expressing your emotions with honesty and thoughtfulness in a culture that’s already hostile to self-expression in men takes courage. You are literally going against the grain of expectation, and if that’s not worthy of respect, I don’t know what is.

So long as you are mindful about it, you are good to go.

Of course, it goes without saying that there are going to be a few women who do not respect a vulnerable man, regardless of how he does it.

But I would bet women like that are only there for the man’s utility, not the man himself.