The Real Reason She Has the Man You Want (and You Don’t)

I used to be too nice.

I was the girl who looked at man’s photo on a dating app who just slide in my dm’s and thought, “Meh.” Instead of swiping left, I’d tell myself, “Well, you never know.”

Even when his energy felt off, or his behavior raised little red flags, I convinced myself I was being “too hasty” or “too quick to judge.” So I went along. I gave chances, access, and opportunities. I played nice.

Time after time, I ended up holding the bag.

Recently, I went on a date with a man who, on the surface, had potential. Attractive. Nice. That kind of snarky sense of humor I usually gravitate toward, but something was missing.

Maybe it was the way he self-deprecatingly fished for compliments. Or the way he asked me out with a built-in escape hatch — so that if I said no, he could save face — instead of being bold and clear. Or the fact that he was lacking in resources.

I realized quickly that this wasn’t for me.

When he hit me up again, I had a choice. I could slip back into “be nice, go along, maybe give it another try.” Or I could course-correct.

I’m a single mother. If I go out dancing, I’m not just investing time and energy — I’m literally paying for childcare. That means every date that happens when my child is not in shool is an investment. If I’m investing, it very well needs to make sense.

So I chose myself. I chose my standards and I moved on.

We often look at women who seem to “effortlessly” attract the kind of men we want and ask, “What’s the difference between her and me?”

Nine times out of ten, the difference is this: she was ruthless about knowing what she wanted and what she would not tolerate. She didn’t linger, hoping a man’s potential would blossom. She didn’t bargain with herself to “see the good” in his excuses. She moved quickly, required proof in behavior, and refused to mistake words for action.

That’s the real secret.

5 Actionable Steps to Protect Your Standards

1. Stop entertaining “maybes.”
   If your gut says “meh,” it’s a no. Chemistry doesn’t grow out of indifference — it grows out of alignment.
2. Audit the investment.
   Ask yourself: What am I giving up to say yes to this date? If the cost (time, energy, childcare, money) outweighs the return, walk away.
3. Notice how he shows up.
   A man who hesitates, hedges, or needs you to lead isn’t going to suddenly transform into someone decisive and secure. Believe what he shows you early.
4. Decide once, not twice.
   When you recognize a mismatch, don’t reopen the case later. “Let’s see how it goes” is how standards slip.
5. Remember: you’re not rejecting him — you’re protecting you.
   Every “no” to the wrong man is a “yes” to the future you actually want.

Being ruthless about your standards doesn’t make you cruel. It makes you clear and clarity is the most compassionate thing you can offer yourself — and the men you meet.

If you’re ready to stop negotiating with your standards and finally date like the prize, my book Redefining the Game: How to Be the Prize and Win at Love will show you how.