The Secret to Peaceful Relationships is Cooperative Interaction

MAUDE: Last night, Phil and I reflected on our thoughts for this week’s post. I went to sleep with my head full of the ideas we had exchanged. All through the night, I found myself having a phrase reappear. It would come to me clearly, and I kept telling myself to remember it. Then slowly, through sleep and dreaming, it would disappear. Each time I awoke, I didn’t have it, but it was right there on the tip of my mind. After an inner push, it came forth: cooperative interaction.

Cooperative: an attitude from each of the people in the relationship; sharing the same intentions; taking actions that reflect shared meanings and values.
Interaction: connection; behavior toward one another; relational.

Cooperative interactions are a cornerstone of peaceful relationships. Some of these have been spoken of and agreed to, some come naturally from shared core values and how they are applied. The shared intention must include treating each other with love and well-wishing. This is an ongoing learning process. As you get closer and as each of you grows, the language and emphasis change. The shared intention does not.

This requires awareness that you behave with that intention: offering respect toward one another, toward each other’s unique personality, listening and paying attention, acting with kindness and gentleness, moderating your tone of voice, sharing yourself, and being open.

When each of you acts with this awareness, you bring presence to being with each other. Avoid going into autopilot. Don’t let the fundamental feeling of honoring the other, for all they are and all they mean to you, evaporate. Stay present.

This kind of presence gives you the gap, the pause between reaction and response, to find the best way and tone to communicate. Asking yourself, “What is important here?” is a great way to find that. A deep relationship is a great treasure! When you approach each other with a sense of awe, you become aware of that gift and can bring appropriate reverence to the possibilities it opens for you.

PHIL: Maude came up with the idea of cooperative interaction, and I immediately pictured its opposite as egoistic interaction. That is when you approach relationships with the mindset of what is in it for you: status, sex, security. There is also what it might cost you: privacy, money, security. Yes, it’s a very transactional view of relationships, but some people crave these things in order to support both their physical needs and self-image. You probably know defended people who act like this.

But we are not just independent actors trying to optimize our position in life. Even as infants, we have a theory of mind — the understanding that other people have their own thoughts, desires, and motives. It’s more than an idea — mirror neurons and empathy inform us directly of how other people are. Cooperative interaction is what happens when you act on this understanding.

To practice cooperative interaction, your ego has to soften. You have to be open to contact with another person, a connection we all need. Without it, we shrivel up. It is as necessary for the spirit as water is for the body. It arises naturally between people, but to sustain it, you must be aware of when that connection is weakening.

To avoid this, you need to have some kind of signal when you are slipping back to egoistic interaction. Your cue is a feeling of discomfort, the equivalent of a chime in a meditation session. Pay attention to it. Stop what you are doing, talk to the other person, and invite them to help sort out whatever is happening. You don’t have to fall into the chasm of conflict, wound each other, then crawl back out. When the defensive ego side is stilled, it becomes a novel experience, climbing around in places you didn’t know existed or haven’t visited in a long time. When both of you are aware and both of you want to restore harmony, you can do it.

Here are some of our previous posts that illuminate various aspects of cooperative interaction.

How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts With One Little Word “If you stop, what are you stopping? You are stepping away from being reactive in the situation. When you stop, the very first thing you will often find is that you can breathe. In these situations, people often start holding their breath without realizing it. Stopping pulls you into the present and gives you a moment to step back from being drawn into conflict, if that’s where your mind or the other person’s behavior is going. Most people have a variety of responses at the same time to any given situation, especially those that are challenging. Stopping enables you to make a choice of which of your responses represents the value which you want to give your energy to. It is not always possible to do this in the moment, but when you stop before reacting or responding, you get that moment to see what is going on, to breathe, and to bring your thoughts and feelings into the present. When you react with anger, fear, or hatred, you are coming from your deep-seated and strong survival instincts. They are very strong because they are defensive postures ingrained in us and resident in the earliest part of our primitive brain. When you stop, you gain time in the present to choose a different place to interact from. You can move into thoughts and feelings of a higher and more developed part of you.”

How Being Defended Stops You From Being Close in Your Relationships “What happens when you raise defenses between you and your partner, friends or relations? When you act to defend yourself, you erect a barrier to being close. And yet, there may be situations where you feel unwarranted criticism, blame, or a disrespectful tone being directed at you. What are productive ways of responding? A feeling that it is necessary to defend yourself within a relationship, often accompanied by a withdrawing from that person, even just a little bit, is important to address. It provides an area for lots of personal growth, as well as an area where more intimacy rather than more distance can be created. (I am not referring here to clearly abusive situations, which always warrant an immediate response.) I have a dear friend who, when responding to me, often exhibits a behavior which I find irritating and quite off putting. I have been reflecting about this recently. At first, I was going to approach her and talk about her behavior and its effect on me. Then I thought of my own reaction. What was that about? Why did I care and what could I do with my own feelings without demanding some change or alteration in her behavior?”

In a Relationship, Sometimes Just Being There is Everything “I had gotten myself to the point where I could take action and had set up the method of doing that. I still felt almost paralyzed by my anxiety. This was quite unusual for me, as I normally would just bite the bullet and go for it. There was so much swirling around inside me that I went into Phil’s office where he was working and shared what I was about to do. He turned to me with his full attention and listened quietly to me. Then he got up and hugged me, and said, “I’ll just come and sit next to you while you do it.” He didn’t offer to do it. He didn’t try to fix me or change what I was feeling. There was no judgment. He just offered me his presence, his calm, and the unspoken reassurance that I could do this, and I wasn’t alone with my feelings. This changed the entire situation. I felt listened to and heard, even though I was unaware of having communicated anything specific. I felt strangely calmed, although no words to my issue were spoken. He was present and paying attention enough to hear a need that I wasn’t even aware of, and to give it to me. In peaceful relationships, listening and being present become a way of being that is part of the fabric of those connections. The loving, kind response is the go-to choice. Sometimes just being there is everything.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.