They Never Confessed, But I Know They Cheated

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“He never confessed. Not once. But deep down, I know he cheated.”

I believed her. She didn’t have screenshots or anything, but I recognized the look in her eyes. The one that told me she was too exhausted from pretending she didn’t know.

Many times, it is the silence after the betrayal that really begins to breaks you. Of course, the act itself is still terrible, but there is just something about the way they move on like nothing happened. She said it started with small stuff: suddenly guarding his phone at all times, late resplies, excuses that just didn’t quite add up, and then that soft closeness they have always had turned cold. Still, she tried to be fair, and she didn’t want to accuse him without evidence like some bitter, paranoid woman.

So she waited, but nothing came.

“Of course, the act itself is still terrible, but there is just something about the way they move on like nothing happened.”

Look, I told her, I believe in giving people a chance to explain, and I told her that too. It has happened many times that what feels like betrayal has a backstory that can change your perception. So, we simply must give some room for the “whole truth.” However, all you can do is open the door, you can’t make them walk through.

I know from experience that when you are already in that state of mind, waiting for a confession that never comes is its own special kind of hell. She agreed, and for her it was that pain she was constantly carrying around like a slow bleed from the inside.

“However, all you can do is open the door, you can’t make them walk through.”

So the cycle continued, because next she said she started questioning herself instead, thinking that maybe she was being too sensitive or imagining things, that maybe she was the problem! Unfortunately, it happens that a betrayal without closure doesn’t just shake your trust in your betrayer, it can also make you stop trusting yourself.

There are, however, some people who never confess because they are scared, and they also think their silence spares you, but of course not all of them are that benevolent. Some keep their mouths shut because they just don’t respect you enough to come clean. Sadly, the reality is you may never always get that apology, and the truth will never be spoken out loud. It still doesn’t mean you are wrong or that it didn’t happen.

“I know from experience that when you are already in that state of mind, waiting for a confession that never comes is its own special kind of hell.”

So I looked her in the eye and told her that, despite my earlier views, she doesn’t really have to have a confession to move on, and in her case she definitely needed to stop expecting someone who has obviously mastered the art of lying to be a fountain of truth. Perhaps that unmistakable feeling of it in your bones is enough to know it is time to stop waiting for a truth that may never come.

My take, and as always, straight from the heart:

Now, if you have read my story on whether coming clean after an affair is always the right thing, then you already know I am not a fan of forced confessions just to ease guilt. Most especially when such a confession does nothing but cause/reopen a wound. However, I will say this for anyone in my dear friend’s situation: trust your instincts and listen to your heart. Their refusal to come clean shouldn’t take away your sense of clarity. You deserve your peace, and you deserve to move forward even if all you ever get is their silence.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.