[ad_1]
–
.
Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Overgiving in Relationships: “I Feel Like I Have to Be Perfect”
I was coaching someone recently who said, “I always feel like in any relationship, I end up giving so much. I am always trying to score a perfect score because I feel like if I don’t, they’re not going to like me.
So I end up doing all of these things for them. I try to be thoughtful in a thousand different ways. I try to be perfect in my reaction to everything because that’s how I believe they’re going to continue to want me.
And in the process, I end up emotionally exhausted. I feel like none of my needs get met. I feel taken for granted. And I live in a constant state of tension and anxiety, never really being able to relax and know that someone is just going to want me for me.”
I want to talk about this today.
“Do You Relate to This?”
Do you relate to it on a personal level?
I had a relationship where I very much relate to what that client was going through. And I actually had a lot of shame and embarrassment afterward, looking back at how much I felt I needed to do all the time.
How many different ways I felt I had to be surprising and thoughtful and impressive and creative. Constantly feeling like I had to go out of my way in order to be enough.
I remember very vividly the heightened anxiety I was in at that time. I felt like I could never truly relax. I remember being in the middle of working days where I couldn’t focus on what I was doing because, in reality, I was just focusing on the next thing I was going to do for that person—the next nice text, the next gesture, the next thoughtful act.
Or anticipating that person’s needs.
And the flip side was, if I felt like I had reacted poorly to something or hadn’t been my best self in a situation, it felt catastrophic. I’d think, “Oh, I’ve done it now. This is going to be the thing that makes it end.”
It was a horrible, tortured state to exist in. All the while telling myself I was really happy. Telling myself I was happy to be in that relationship.
But it robbed me of joy. Even now, as I speak about it, I feel relief knowing I would never go back to that feeling for anything in the world.
So yes, I very much relate. Do you?
People-Pleasing and the Fear of Rejection
Oh yeah, definitely. It’s really uncomfortable. It’s a form of people-pleasing. It’s a form of believing you’re not worthy of love or commitment unless you’re perfect.
It’s like everyone else in the world gets to exist imperfectly. They get to mess up sometimes. They forget things. They’re not always thoughtful.
But when it comes to us, we not only have to score a perfect score—we have to go beyond that and be extraordinary in every situation.
And it becomes a full-time job. It’s all-consuming because what you’re really trying to avoid is being left. You’re trying to avoid rejection. Every action becomes geared toward preventing the other person from leaving you.
But what you end up doing is not allowing someone to truly see you. And paradoxically, that blocks connection more than imperfection ever would.
Trying to Justify Your Worth
I noticed this showed up for me in different ways. Some of it was classic “man stuff”—feeling like I needed a certain amount of accomplishment or to be able to provide in order to be worthy.
In early dating, it showed up as trying to justify my life. Does my life sound cool enough? If someone asked what I did on the weekend, was it exciting enough? Did it sound impressive?
I’d think, “Is my life interesting enough for this person? Do I compare to all the other interesting things other people are doing?”
So I’d try to highlight exciting things. Cool plans. Interesting people. It always felt like I had to justify everything.
And it depends on the person you’re dating. If you think they’re more successful, you start talking about your successes. If you think they’re better looking, you slip in stories about someone hitting on you so they know you’re attractive.
It’s deceptive because, at first, it looks like romance. It looks like effort. It looks like being an awesome partner. But underneath it is insecurity.
Is There Such a Thing as “Too Thoughtful”?
There is such a thing as being too thoughtful.
For example, imagine you meet someone’s mom, and she casually mentions something she loves. Then the next time you see the person you’re dating, you bring a very specific gift related to that detail.
In another context, that gesture would be beautiful. But early on, it can feel like too much. It starts to smell like something else.
Early in dating, you can disguise this—even to yourself—as romance. As trying hard in a good way. But often, it comes from feeling like you’re starting from behind.
Like there’s ground to make up. Like you’re not on the same level as this person.
And because of that, you try to bridge the gap with what you do—because who you are feels insufficient.
Come Forward… Then Create Space
There’s something powerful about coming forward and then creating space.
In early dating, sometimes you need to give the other person space to see how they feel about you. If you’ve been doing all the planning, calling, and initiating, pull back a little.
See if they pick up the phone. See if they say, “I really want to see you this weekend.”
Let them sell themselves on you.
When you’re always doing the legwork, you don’t give them the chance to invest. And people bond through investment. Through sacrifice. Through putting someone else first sometimes.
If you’re always giving 150% and they’re giving 50%, you may feel secure in the short term. But it’s false security.
The Dangerous Combination
Here’s the dangerous combination: you get more and more attached because you’re investing so much. Meanwhile, they don’t have the same opportunity to invest.
You become more bonded. They don’t.
That’s how two people end up in very different places emotionally.
And sometimes, the person doesn’t leave right away. They stay because it’s convenient. Because you make their life better. But attraction quietly erodes.
And then one day—maybe years later—they leave.
And everything you thought you had disappears.
False Security vs. Real Security
The ultimate disincentive to overgiving is this: it doesn’t create real security. It creates a false sense of it.
Real security can only be achieved by being yourself.
The hard part? Many of us don’t believe we’re enough as we are.
So sometimes it requires trust. Doing something you’ve never done before.
Doing less—and seeing what happens.
Like learning a new sport, where the coach tells you to use less force. At first, it feels wrong. But over time, you realize that less effort, done correctly, creates more power.
More snap. More impact.
In dating, it’s the same. You don’t have to muscle it. You don’t have to tense up and overperform to feel safe.
Doing less can actually create more connection.
You’re Not Broken
To the person who feels broken—who feels like they’ve done everything and still end up heartbroken—you are not broken.
Yes, you may have patterns. You may have anxiety. You may catastrophize.
But that doesn’t mean you’re irreparably damaged. It means you’re human.
Healing isn’t about eliminating every anxious thought or every wound. It’s about changing your relationship to them.
Anxiety may not disappear—but your relationship with it can transform.
And at 27, you are not behind. You are not out of time. You are still very much on the journey.
Look at the Pattern
If you keep getting hurt, look at the pattern.
Are you ignoring red flags? Overgiving? Being sold on the “label” someone presents instead of how you actually feel in their presence?
Anyone can market themselves well. Anyone can say the right things.
The real question is: how do you feel when you’re actually with them?
The right relationship is not just something you earn after you heal. It can be deeply healing in itself.
But the work you’re doing now matters. It will help you recognize the right person when they show up.
And that changes everything.
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
***
On Substack? Follow us there for more great dating and relationships content.
—
Photo credit: iStock
The post They’ve Stopped Trying? Don’t Chase Do This Instead! appeared first on The Good Men Project.
[ad_2]
Source link
