It’s ok to ask for help
On June 20, 2012, my mom got a pancreatic cancer diagnosis. At noon on July 30, 2012, she died, in as much chaos as she lived. These are the thoughts I wrote in August that same year:
My mom was a Scarlett through and through and it wasn’t til her last breath that she let me know what I had always wondered. Did she regret her choice nearly 30 years ago to withdraw from my life? My mom was a troubled woman. Hear tell from those who knew her best, deeply troubled.
Arielle Ford wrote today, “In this moment there is nothing for me to do. There is only something for me to be and something for me to remember….to know that right now, I have everything that I need.” Such a timely reminder.
I can’t remember the last holiday I spent with my mom. I saw her three or four times in the last 10 years before she passed. I couldn’t give you a chronology of her last 25 years. I was completely out of her world.
Sadly, it was much the same for many of my seven younger siblings. Yet at the end, all of her children got to say their good byes and I had 12 exquisitely and excruciatingly intense days to usher her to the other side. My brothers John and Charlie were at my side representing all of us at that 12th hour on the 12th day…so Joan.
Once upon a time, she and I were soulfully connected.
In order to grow up, I began saying no to her when I was 31. A great round of cognitive therapy helped me do what I needed to be mom to my own kids and be responsible for my own life. My role with my mom had to change and she never got over it til the 12 hour on the 12th day.
For some reason, the bond between Joan and I was broken at that time. Is it a coincidence that her mom died when she was only 31, the same age that she withdrew from my life? How priceless that I received hospice training several years ago and had the right tools to bring out what needed to be unearthed.
The amazing thing is, she did let me know she regretted breaking our bond. My biggest sadness is that by time she was really genuine with me, for maybe the first time ever, there was no time left.
The night I got home from San Francisco area where we had hospiced her (Huge hugs of gratitude to the Pathways Hospice in Palo Alto!) it was a beautiful full moon.
I had the first of what I know will be many ceremonies and rituals of healing at the stroke of midnight. This flaming Scarlett mom of mine would have loved it.
I will be sending out a message about this month’s New Moon in Leo Ceremony. It will be at 9 am pst on August 17. I hope you will mark your calendar for this most auspicious ritual.
Oh, as far as asking for help. I am getting a lot of insight about myself and am happy that the fabulous Hospice system has support for me that is affordable and accessible….for a full year after her death.
What I want more than anything is to create the environment I want around me without a struggle. The people closest to me want me to perk back up and be my regular self, or that’s what it feels like. Bless them, I know they are trying to help. I am where I am and that’s ok. Thanks Abraham.
Like I said, I am super grateful for Hospice. Today when the lovely young man took my intake information, it felt really, really good to have him simply take my name and address.
Thanks to all of you faithful, faithful readers who have followed my writing over the years. I deeply appreciate your love and light as I float through this experience in my own time and in my own way.
Oh, in honor of my mom if you are a Scarlett or a Rapunzel, please be brutally honest and tell the person you are angry with the truth.
If you are a Snow White, find a way to speak directly to the person you resent. Admit that you have part blame and ask for a reconnection.
I started to ask my mom for what I wanted in 2007, the same year I went through rectal cancer. It took almost 5 years of persistent, clear and concise requests before she could hear me but it sure was worth it.
At the end, when her arms couldn’t hug me anymore, she found the strength to squeeze my hand and I knew and felt her sorrow and remorse.
My mom was troubled. We will never understand her true motivations. Her last two conversations with me were unintelligible. Only two words fell into my soul. “Forgive me.”
It took three tries before this so tragically misunderstood Scarlett left her body. Dying as dramatically as she lived, doggone it I am glad I was with her the last 12 days.
Thanks for being on team Behan and cheering me on as I rebound from this rather shocking last three weeks. I will be back to writing my regular stuff real soon….
Love you, seriously, I really do….
Off to receive a little magic,
Catherine
PS What are your thoughts? Do you have a chaotic relationship with a family member?
