What Makes An Ex Come Back?

Sometimes exes realize they made a terrible decision and come back. They run back to their ex (their backup plan) and try to obtain what they lack and need to feel fulfilled. They say they regret leaving and that they want to take the relationship seriously and prove their commitment.

Because they’re unhappy, they’re willing to do anything to regain their ex’s trust. Some exes (typically those who cheated and monkey-branched) are even willing to hand their login information to their ex.

By wanting to go above and beyond, they show they regret leaving and hurting their ex and that they appreciate their ex giving them another chance.

Dumpers who messed up badly know they need to make it up to their ex or there’s a chance their ex will say no or lose interest and dump them.

That would cause them to lose something they need from their ex – something they came back for and feel dependent on. In turn, they would suffer immensely and have no choice but to accept their loss and move on the slow way – by processing the breakup naturally.

Therefore, we can say that exes come back because they don’t want to slowly deal with some issue or emotion. They want to avoid dealing with the difficult side of life by reattaching to their ex and relying on him or her for support and recognition.

Deep inside, they know their ex can empower them and make them forget their failures, mistakes, and pain. 

So if you want to learn what makes an ex come back, know that it’s usually nothing nice. Most of the time, an ex comes back because of some problem that he or she can’t deal with alone or without the dumpee’s help.

The dumper basically realizes that life didn’t get any better after the breakup and that he or she had an overly high opinion of him/herself. This realization causes the dumper to finally notice the dumpee’s ability to make his or her life easier and better.

In other words, the dumper sees the dumpee’s value as a partner and regrets chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He or she not only wants but also needs the dumpee back.

Another chance at reconciliation instantly eases his or her anxiety and provides the dumper with the relationship benefits he or she previously took for granted. 

So bear in mind that there can be multiple reasons for an ex to come back. The most common reasons include something negative like a romantic rejection, a breakup, fear of being alone, and difficulty loving oneself.

Feelings return the quickest and most often when an ex gets hurt as that’s when he or she can finally admit that he or she was selfish and didn’t value the dumpee’s good traits and commitment. He or she just focused on the bad traits and left when the relationship became difficult to maintain and invest in.

Dumpers essentially need a strong incentive to come back and give the relationship another try. They need to change their thinking from “My ex was the problem” to “I took my ex for granted and thought I could be happier without him/her.”

When their thinking changes, they disassociate negative thoughts and feelings from their ex and start missing their ex romantically. They want to communicate with their ex and get back with their ex as quickly as possible.

A quick reconciliation prevents them from dwelling on their bad decisions and allows them to feel better in the quickest way possible as it provides them with attention and validation.

Always remember that reconciliations are dumpers’ plan B. They’re backup plans for when they try to replace their ex but fail.

Oftentimes, they try to replace their ex with another romantic person or friends, hobbies, and interests. It doesn’t matter what or who they try to replace their ex with.

If they can’t do it, they think of their ex, become nostalgic and regretful, and run back to their ex before their ex moves on and finds what they weren’t able to find on their own – inner peace and happiness. 

Their unhappiness and their ex’s happiness and stability can motivate them to see their ex in a positive light and urge them to lean on their ex for emotional support and love.

So if you’re wondering what makes exes come back, bear in mind that two main things need to happen for them to come running back.

They need to be miserable and see that you’re in control of your emotions and life. They need to see you thrive and enjoy your life without them.

This can further increase their pain and make them want a piece of your pie (happiness).

That’s why if you’re trying to get back with your ex, you’ll need to preserve your worth and present yourself as a confident, self-loving individual. You’ll need to love yourself more than your ex and let your ex see that unlike him or her, you’re moving on and doing things that give you purpose.

The better your life is compared to your ex’s, the bigger the chance that your ex will compare himself or herself to you and feel so insecure that your ex reaches out to you and asks to get back together. 

In this post, we discuss what makes an ex come back and what you can do to increase your chances of reconciliation. 

What makes an ex come back?

If you’re thinking of reattracting your ex with sweet gestures, you may as well call your ex names and burn your bridges. Sweet gestures won’t make your ex see what he or she is missing out on because they’ll overwhelm your ex with emotions and expectations and push your ex away.

Apologies, promises, and effort don’t make an ex want to come back. If anything, they make the dumper feel overprioritized and emotionally depended on. They kill his or her remaining respect, curiosity, and interest—and make it harder for the dumper to regret leaving.

So forget about saying something to an ex or doing something with or for an ex. Forget about showing you’ve learned your lessons and improved as a person and a partner. Personal growth alone isn’t enough for the dumper to come back and beg for another chance. 

Growth only helps exes get along better once they’ve agreed to give the relationship another go.

That doesn’t mean you should ignore your need to learn and improve, though. You should still work on your shortcomings and try to grow as much as you can. If you’re serious about growth, the improvements you make will stick with you for life.

My only advice is not to think of your changes and improvements as a workable reconciliation tactic. The things you’ve worked on won’t have the desired effect unless they’re done in combination with other reconciliation strategies.

One of such strategies is the indefinite no contact rule. This rule will encourage you to keep your distance from your ex and prevent your ex from feeling pressured by you. The rules of no contact will be your guidelines.

They’ll help you regain control of your life and show your ex you don’t need him or her to survive and be happy.

Also, keep in mind that no contact isn’t a manipulation technique. It doesn’t intend to deprive your ex of attention and love and make him or her think you’re the dumper. In a breakup, it’s clear who the dumper is.

It’s the person who lost feelings and left or forced the other person to leave.

When you get dumped, you have to respect your ex’s need for space and the decision to move on without you. The best way to do that is to avoid falling into the friend zone with your ex and cut your ex off. Say you want to focus on yourself and that you’ll reach out if you think you can be friends.

This will tell your ex you’re not open to receiving meaningless breadcrumbs and that you’d rather be alone.

Of course, no contact on its own doesn’t re-attract the dumper either. No contact isn’t a surefire re-attraction method that forces the dumper to be with you.

It’s just a respect-giving and respect-preserving tool, which lets the dumper know you respect his or her decision and that you respect yourself enough not to reach out and beg for love and forgiveness.

The point of no contact is to learn to accept the breakup and let the dumper see if he or she can be happy without you. Initially, the dumper will likely be overjoyed. He or she will think the breakup was long overdue and that he or she has never been happier.

You might notice your ex going out a lot, drinking and partying, and changing his or her clothing and communication style. Life will be very good for your ex until it isn’t. 

If/when things go awry and crush your ex’s post-breakup expectations, your ex could quickly learn that your absence hasn’t fixed his or her issues and unhappiness and that it only made your ex feel infatuated due to feeling pressured and wanting to leave for so long.

That’s when your ex (thanks to your no contact rule, happiness, and self-improvement) could become curious about you and decide to check up on you. Your ex could also get back with you, provided he or she sees no other way to move forward and be happy.

So keep in mind that usually, pain is what makes an ex come back after the breakup. Pain forces the dumper to reflect and realize that you were a good partner who’s now moving on and doing his or her best to enjoy life.

Strength and purpose make you look reliable and attractive—especially when your ex lacks these very same traits. 

You shouldn’t worry too much about how to make your ex want you back. Until your ex has failed in some important way and gotten hurt, your attempts at being with your ex will only make things worse. They’ll put immense pressure on your ex and backfire on you (hurt you).

Hence, I urge you to let go of control for now. Go no contact with your ex and do your best to detach. Rest assured that your ex will contact you and do the necessary work when your ex encounters problems he or she can’t or doesn’t want to resolve without your help.

Of course, your ex might just rely on you for support, but at least your ex will reach out to you of his or her own accord. Your ex will show interest in you, even if that interest isn’t romantic.

So if you’re still trying to figure out what makes an ex come back, it’s not your words and actions that trigger his or her fears of losing you.

No contact is important, but so are your ex’s problems and his/her way of dealing with problems. If your ex lacks the tools to resolve difficulties on his or her own or with the help of others, your ex could contact you to get back with you under the guise of wanting to catch up.

Expect your ex to take the initiative (break no contact) and want you back when your ex encounters a predicament that destroys his or her happiness and self-esteem and improves his or her perception of you.

That’s when your ex will make the job easier for you as your ex will need you to empower him or her.

With that said, here’s what makes an ex come back.

What makes an ex not come back?

Some things make an ex not come back or make it harder for him or her to return. I call them breakup mistakes. The more mistakes a dumpee makes and the longer he or she makes these mistakes, the smaller the chance that the dumper will feel respected and respect the dumpee back.

As you know, a lack of respect will make it incredibly difficult for the dumper to become nostalgic, regretful, and scared of moving on without the dumpee. It will make it extremely tempting to stay away from the dumpee and do his or her own things.

Things that don’t make him or her feel pressured, guilt-tripped, and irritated.

So what are some breakup mistakes that hinder the dumper from coming back?

The most common and dangerous mistake that won’t get you your ex back is begging and pleading. Although most dumpees chase their ex and try to change their ex’s mind for a while (typically a few days), most dumpers don’t cause irreparable damage to the broken relationship.

They just annoy their ex for a bit and back off when they realize they can’t reason with their ex. Begging is problematic mainly when a dumpee begs for weeks or months. Long-term begging tends to put immense pressure on the dumper and causes him or her to lose all respect for the dumpee.

When respect is gone, dumpers often say and do mean things that make the dumpee feel even more rejected and hurt.

Another breakup mistake your ex will have a hard time forgiving you for is stalking. Showing up unannounced at your ex’s house, work, or vacation will completely shred your ex’s care for you.

It will cause so much damage that your ex will consider blocking you from everything and getting a restraining order against you. That will obviously be the end of the relationship and any potential friendship.

So will any vengeful deed. If you take revenge on your ex and/or try to ruin your ex’s reputation, your ex will permanently delete you from his or her life and refuse to forgive you even if you apologize and explain why you acted impulsively.

Some mistakes just can’t be undone. You won’t recover from them because you’ll prove you can’t be trusted.

So avoid doing anything your ex doesn’t want you to do. Instead of trying to regain control of the breakup, let go of it and get comfortable with the breakup. Nothing will make you more desirable than showing you’ve accepted the end of the relationship and learned to live your life without your ex-partner.

When you prove your life has gained purpose outside of the relationship, your ex won’t immediately come back. But he or she will respect you or at least avoid thinking you’re unworthy of respect.

At that point, your ex will need a good reason to be with you. That reason will likely have to make your ex feel emotional to the point where your ex chooses a familiar person (you) to rely on.

Until that happens, adhere to no contact and live life with joy and passion.

What do you think are the reasons for an ex to come back after a breakup? Have you ever had an ex return? Let us know in the comments section below the post. We’ll get back to you shortly.

However, if you’re looking for personalized advice on your breakup, get in touch with us via our breakup coaching service.