What Your Avoidant Partner Said vs What You Heard

I won’t bore you with the long-winded clickbait intro to the article.

Deciphering anyone’s messages is frustrating. You feel like you have to toggle between your interpretation and understanding their intent.

What if you had the upper hand and understood someone’s inner mind so your interpretation didn’t have to spin you in circles?

I used to be the avoidant who thought I was sending a clear message to my partner, but I was always met with a reaction that was far from my intent.

The trick with understanding the avoidant is that in their mind, they have said a lot by saying very little.

I hear you, it makes no sense, Tunde. Remember, the avoidant isn’t the person who has racing thoughts in their mind that they have cycled through and identified emotions.

Avoidants are “long thinkers,” meaning they take time to process their thoughts, and more often than not, they don’t realize the emotional effect an activity had on them for longer time periods.

I want to clear the cloud of confusion and help you decipher the message before it becomes overwhelming and you’re pushing for more detail.

There is meaning to the avoidant’s messages, I promise.

I don’t want to talk right now

What you hear?

I don’t need to sugarcoat this one. It sounds like your partner is telling you to shut up and go away. When someone tells you they don’t want to talk right now, it sounds like a direct slap in the face. It feels like you are being tossed to the side, and your feelings don’t matter. You think that your partner doesn’t value your thoughts, and you’re alone in the relationship.

What your partner means?

Avoidant’s don’t do well when they are approached with a tough conversation. They feel blindsided, which can feel like an attack. Instead of acknowledging that the subject is overwhelming, the presenter becomes the pest. Yes, you.

Your partner means that they don’t have the emotional capacity to address the topic, and they have not begun the process of placing it on their thought board, therefor they can’t prioritize it in the moment.

I need some space

What you hear?

Hearing that someone needs some space can feel like a direct stab to the heart. When you hear that someone needs space, it sounds like they are soft-ending the relationship and preparing their exit. It sounds like you are the problem, and if they had a moment away from you, then everything would take a 180 and fix their day.

What your partner means?

Your partner’s version of feeling overwhelmed is trying to solve the problem on their own and retreating to isolation. The closer you get, the more they feel weakened and tapped. When your avoidant partner needs space, they are trying to communicate that they are struggling with an issue they don’t have the answer to fix it. Their retreat is an attempt to start that emotional cycle.

Why are we talking about this?

What you hear?

You hear that your partner is completely oblivious to the issues in the relationship. Guess what? To some degree, you are right. When your partner can’t address tough topics, it makes you feel like you are the only one participating in the relationship. You feel like you are invisible, and the issues you bring up go through one ear and right out of the other.

What your partner means?

Your partner will jump off a bridge before they welcome volatility into the relationship. To an avoidant, talking about tough topics equates to a disturbance in harmony e.g., volatility. Do you know why you get stuck in the cycle with avoidants? The good times are so amazing, even tho the lows are terrible. They love harmony, and any counteractivity to that has to be shut out. Their method for keeping it alive is to shut out anything that can get in the way.

I’m not ready

What you hear?

When your partner says they are not ready, it usually means you are on the topic of the evolution of the relationship. Well, it feels like rejection when your partner still “isn’t ready.” After all, you’re most likely intimate at this point, sharing space, going on dates etc. So what’s the big change?

What your partner means?

Your partner is feeling the loss of control and independence that they value. I know that it feels like they are pushing you away and don’t want you in their life, but they are trying to communicate that they are scared. “Trust issues” is the most overused cliche in dating, but your partner does take time to release trust, and more importantly, trust themselves in a committed relationship. Giving up control doesn’t sound like unity in the avoidant mind; it sounds like a release of power.

The wrap up

Before you think that I am doing everything in my power to convert the avoidant message into something you should pity, my real message is that you are dealing with a slow processor who can find themselves overwhelmed without a response process.

It will sound very counterintuitive, but your partner wants to present their best self to you so badly that they would rather run and reappear than peel the layers of the onion with you.

That is why you have to remain calm and patient and show them they are in a space where being open and commenting won’t backfire. I know, it’s frustrating, but the more of that frustration you allow to be visible, the more your avoidant partner will be hesitant to move closer to you.

Your partner grew up learning that if it can’t be done independently, then you are too weak to handle it. They have set a hard expectation on themselves without your input. All of this snowballs into their desire to keep harmony alive. They don’t want a tough conversation to break the relationship. They don’t want to overreact. They don’t want to relive negative moments.

It is ultimately a struggle that the avoidant needs to overcome, but if it brings any bit of comfort, this struggle is more about them than it will ever be about what you’re doing.

Want to learn about the triggers of the dismissive-avoidant? Get a free guide here.

If you’re ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as one-time 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at bcawosika@gmail.com to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.