Many dumpees enter no contact to make their ex miss them and reach out. They want their ex to see they enjoy their life and that they won’t break no contact no matter how desperate they appeared during the breakup.
Dumpees understand that their ex needs to reach out to them and give them something to work with.
They can’t reach out on their own initiative because their reach-out would disrupt their ex’s space and give their ex unnecessary power and control. It would make them dependent on their ex’s response and put their ex in charge of their recovery.
If you’re feeling anxious and wondering when your ex will reach out, you need to know that your ex will do so only when your ex has a reason to. This reason could be anything from needing your help to simply wanting to talk to you.
Your ex could need your help when he or she feels anxious, depressed, scared, lonely, nostalgic, confused, or angry. And your ex could want to talk to you when your ex is curious, bored, and doubtful.
It’s impossible to predict when or if your ex will find a reason to talk to you. Although your ex will go through the same (predictable) dumper stages as any other dumper, it’s also important to note that your ex will experience completely different things.
Your ex will feel and cope differently with various predicaments. You mustn’t assume that every dumper reaches out after a certain number of days. The-30 day no contact rule is a hoax. Fake breakup coaches came up with it to sell hope to dumpees.
You need to understand that your ex could miss you romantically after a week, 10 years, or never. It depends on whether your ex has a realization and feels a desire or urge to converse. If your ex has a lot of problems and anxiety, your ex will probably reach out sooner than other dumpers.
Your ex will contact you to obtain your support and validation and feel secure. The reason he or she will reach out to you of all people is because you were the last person who validated him or her unconditionally. You loved and empowered your ex until your ex decided to pull the plug on you.
That makes you someone your ex can rely on when life gives him or her lemons.
Of course, pain isn’t the only reason your ex could reach out. It’s the best one (may lead to reconciliation), but it’s not the most common one. A much more common reach-out (breadcrumb) is when the dumper feels curious or nostalgic and wants to see how you’re doing.
The dumper may wonder what you’re up to and if you’re still struggling with the breakup. Your response would tell the dumper if he or she has any reason to feel bad for leaving your life and hurting your feelings.
So don’t think that all dumpers reach out for the same reasons (because they miss their ex). Some genuinely miss their ex romantically and want their ex back, but the majority only miss the friendship aspect of the relationship.
They miss not having a good friend to talk to and do fun things with.
Every dumper has different reasons for reaching out or wanting to reach out. You should avoid assuming that your ex will reach out strictly to reconcile and work on the relationship. Even though it could happen, it’s better not to keep your hopes up.
If you hope for the best, your ex’s reach out will probably surprise you and shock you. You’ll feel extremely anxious because you’ll expect and need your ex to validate you and love you.
That’s why you should work on accepting the breakup and understanding that your ex will reach out when your ex wants to or needs to. You’ll hear from your ex but also be forced to analyze your ex’s reasons for seeking your attention.
If your ex wants to be friends or expects your help with something you’re not emotionally ready for, you shouldn’t engage in conversation with your ex. You should instead end the conversation and ask your as not to reach out anymore.
Even though you don’t want that, you need it. You must ask for space so your ex doesn’t keep reaching out, confusing you, and destroying your healing progress.
I encourage you to be strong and determined. Stay in no contact and wait for your ex to contact you. When he or she does, remember that your ex could be breadcrumbing you rather than making plans to get back with you.
If you discern that your ex only wants to chat and get something from you that will make your healing more difficult, you must let your ex know you’re not ready to be friends and wish him or her the best.
That’s how you can stand up for yourself and prevent your ex from reaching out for selfish reasons in the future.
In this post, we’ll discuss the times when your ex is most likely to reach out. We’ll also talk about what you can do while you’re waiting to hear from your ex.
When will my ex reach out?
Your ex will reach out when something or someone compels him or her to talk to you. This will be when current thoughts and feelings change and force or encourage your ex to disassociate certain beliefs from you.
Right now, your ex probably thinks negatively of you.
He or she is convinced that the breakup had to occur and absolve him or her of responsibilities and obligations. If it weren’t for the breakup, your ex would still feel forced to focus on you and do what you need to be happy.
Your ex would feel trapped in the relationship and become more and more resentful over time.
Keep in mind that your ex will reach out not only when resentment and fear of getting talked back into a relationship subside, but also when your ex actually wants or needs to talk to you. Your ex needs an incentive to reach out and communicate with you.
That incentive could be kids, divorce, personal belongings, death in the family, (mental) health complications, curiosity, shame, guilt, or some other unwanted emotion.
Don’t expect your ex to reach out just because you were together for a while. Your ex currently associates negative thoughts and feelings with you and needs some time to process the breakup. Your ex needs to get you off his or her mind and enjoy life for a while.
That’s how your ex can develop curiosity and respect and reach out to talk about something.
I don’t know what that would be. It could be something that doesn’t interest you at all. But that’s why you need to be aware of the possibility that it could be a meaningless breadcrumb and that you might have to politely but decisively cut your ex off.
Some dumpers reach out after a few days of breaking up. They want their stuff back, so they contact their ex and get things sorted out as quickly as possible. Other dumpers intentionally delay things and reach out weeks or months later, depending on their reasons for reaching out.
Here are some of the most common reasons.
Guilt. It tends to hit dumpers the hardest after a few weeks of breaking up. It can also be delayed by a few months if the dumper starts a new relationship with someone else and feels infatuated with him or her. If the dumper wants to apologize and/or obtain forgiveness, the dumper could reach out when guilt makes it difficult for him or her to move forward and enjoy life.
Curiosity tends to affect dumpers months after no contact. It makes them wonder about their ex and increases their desire to obtain information about their ex.
Pain, anxiety, and regret strike when the right conditions are met. When the dumper gets in trouble and experiences something painful and unpredictable he or she lacks the tools to resolve, the dumper could talk to the dumpee and try to obtain love and/or validation. Mind you, the dumper could be in pain but not want you back. He or she could only want to talk and lean on you for advice and emotional support. If that happens, you should remember that the dumper is interested in speaking to you only because you make him or her feel good.
Unresolved business such as leases, belongings, and kids matters could be a topic of discussion at any random time. Again, it depends on when the dumper needs you to resolve things. The dumper could want his or her things back right away or months later when you feel much better.
Loneliness is another reason why dumpers reach out. They tend to experience it when friends and family are busy and they don’t have anyone new to connect with.
Random events such as birthdays, mutual friends, social media posts, and reminders of the dumpee also prompt them to reach out. They make dumpers think they should tell their ex something and that their ex will appreciate it.
If your ex wants to talk to you, your ex will find a reason to talk to you. Your ex will make an excuse if he or she wants to talk badly enough. Don’t think it’s your job to reach out or that you must contact your ex when your ex is the most “vulnerable” or receptive.
Your only job is to work on yourself and detach. When the time is right (when your ex wants to talk), your ex will take the initiative and reach out. It might be to catch up, but your ex will talk to you nonetheless. All you have to do is focus on yourself and the things that interest you.
If your ex doesn’t reach out, this doesn’t mean you haven’t improved and that you’re not worthy of being talked to. It means your ex doesn’t care about your improvements (perceives you the way he/she did in the past) and that your ex hasn’t found a valid reason to reach out.
You should do your best not to take it personally. What your ex does or doesn’t do has nothing to do with you. It’s got everything to do with your ex’s mentality, personality, and perception of you.
So if you’re still wondering when your ex will reach out, it will happen when your ex stops thinking of him/herself as a victim and redevelops respect, curiosity, or feelings for you. Your ex will text or call when he or she needs something only you can give.
But until then, your ex will stay away from you and see no need to converse. Your ex will stay busy and seem to thrive. Don’t let that bring you down, though. Consider your ex’s new busy life a part of his or her post-breakup process.
Most dumpers appear unrecognizable after the breakup. Some dumpers go out, meet new people, drink, and party whereas others hang out with friends and family and try to keep themselves busy in other ways.
All dumpers feel relieved after the breakup. They enjoy their new-found freedom so much that they appear different. Unfortunately for them, they only look different. Inside, they’re still the same people who are bound to make the same mistakes.
With that said, here’s when your ex will reach out.
What should I do to make my ex reach out?
If you want to make a good impression on your ex and maximize the chances of hearing from your ex, you must keep your distance from your ex and show you’re not going to do something desperate if he or she decides to reach out.
You can do this simply by staying in no contact and occasionally posting on social media. Your social media posts shouldn’t show off. They should indicate that you’re focusing on yourself and enjoying your life.
Your ex mustn’t know that you’re thinking about getting back together. If he or she does, your ex probably won’t reach out because your ex will know you’re still obsessing over him or her and not taking care of yourself.
Your ex will basically get pressured and repulsed.
Therefore, you should do your best to make your ex see you don’t have any expectations of him anymore and that you’ll be okay whether he reaches out or not. His reach-outs or the lack of them shouldn’t affect you.
You should be emotionally strong and independent regardless of what your ex does or doesn’t do.
It doesn’t matter what you do after you’ve gone no contact as long as you don’t break no contact and send the message that you can’t accept the breakup and love yourself.
Remember that no contact will do most of the work for you.
Your actions and inactions will reveal that you’re doing okay and that you value yourself more than he or she thinks. If your ex becomes curious about you and wonders what or who is keeping you busy, your ex could then reach out to inquire about your life.
Just keep in mind that your ex might contact you for non-romantic purposes.
Are you still wondering when your ex will reach out? Why do you want to hear from your ex so badly? Share your reasons for wanting to communicate with your ex below.
And lastly, if you found this article helpful and would like to talk privately about your ex reaching out, sign up for a private session here.
