If your partner or ex-partner cheated on you and you still want to be with him or her, this is perfectly understandable. You feel rejected and hurt and want to be with this person because you’re attached and scared.
A relationship with this person gives you a feeling of security, validation, and purpose and makes it easier for you to love yourself. The thought of not being with the cheater scares you more than anything because you can’t envision a life where this person is not by your side, committed to the relationship and invested in you.
You probably convinced yourself that your relationship was special and that it would overcome any issues. You were proven wrong and now have to accept a painful reality.
That’s why now that you got cheated on, you have conflicting thoughts and feelings. Rationally, you know that cheating is unacceptable, but emotionally, you feel anxious and powerless. You feel drawn toward the cheater despite knowing that cheating says bad things about the person and that it’s bad news for trust and love in the relationship.
Emotions tell you the cheater is the best person for you and that you need him or her in your life to be happy. What they don’t tell you though is why you need the cheater to love you.
They don’t tell you that cheating destroyed your self-esteem and that you’re emotionally dependent due to cheating or overinvestment.
The reason for wanting the cheater in your life is something you must discover on your own.
You can do this by figuring out why you believe you can’t be happy on your own. What makes the cheater so valuable that being with him or her is worth the betrayal and suffering?
You might learn that you get certain benefits by staying with this person and that you can’t get them anywhere else, at least not right away. The lack of short-term benefits devastates you and lowers your trust in yourself and your ability to be happy without the cheater.
So it’s not that the cheater is a one in a million. It’s that you over-rely on the cheater for essential things or that the cheater hurt your ego and self-esteem.
Because the cheater doesn’t value the commitment as much as you and because you lack the determination to rely on yourself, you still want to be with the cheater even though the cheater betrayed you.
You want him or her to give you a sense of security and boost your self-love.
Many people want to be with the person who cheated on them. Many want to be with the cheater even if the cheater jumped into a new relationship and wants nothing to do with them.
Cheatees (those who get cheated on) feel so invalidated and unwanted that they’re willing to forgive the cheating as long as they can be in a relationship with the cheater.
They’re so anxious they make an emotional decision to pursue the cheater or wait for him or her to come back. They don’t think about the consequences of cheating very much. They just want what they want, which is reassurance.
If they get it, they know that they’re safe and that life will return back to normal.
Bear in mind that cheating is much more than a mistake. It happens when a person (partially) disconnects from his or her partner and takes the opportunity to gratify his or her urges. Cheating shows how self-aware and moral (developed) a person is and how important the relationship is to him or her.
If the relationship doesn’t matter very much, the cheater acts on temptations and cheats as soon as an opportunity presents itself. This allows him or her to experience the satisfaction he or she craves and doesn’t get in the relationship.
Someone who cheats may feel guilty afterward. Guilt is a natural reaction to an understanding that he or she acted selfishly and immorally. It’s a feeling most cheaters feel (at least to some degree) when the excitement from cheating wanes and reminds them that they hurt their loyal partner’s feelings and destroyed his or her relationship goals.
Guilt doesn’t necessarily mean that a person regrets cheating. It usually means that he or she regrets hurting the other person and complicating his or her life. Plenty of people cheat and stay with their new partner. They feel bad for what they did to their ex, but they don’t come back.
They don’t return because they fell out of love with their ex and developed feelings for the new person. Feelings prevent them from doing the morally right thing and fixing what they broke.
Monkey-branchers find it incredibly hard to resist the desire for validation. They don’t even want to resist it because giving in to temptations feels empowering and reassuring. They’d rather start a new relationship with someone they don’t know than work on falling back in love and repairing trust.
In today’s post, we answer the question, “Why do I still want to be with someone who cheated on me?”
Why do I still want to be with someone who cheated on me?
If you still want to be with someone who cheated on you, you have a hard time accepting the betrayal and loving yourself. You’re hurting immensely, and consider the cheater someone who can take your pain away and give you the love you deserve.
Cheating strongly affected your perception of yourself and ruined your identity. It made you question everything you went through as a couple and the authenticity of your relationship. You don’t know if you should trust your gut feeling or your rational thinking.
Know that you’re not weak for wanting to be with someone who cheated on you. You just haven’t set strong boundaries and decided to abide by them. You need to improve your self-esteem and see your ex realistically because when you do, the need to be with the cheater will wane.
It will disappear because you’ll understand your worth and know that your ex should be the one begging for another chance.
So if you want to know why you still want to be with someone who cheated on you, it’s probably got something to do with the rejection and insecurities.
If your partner or ex-partner had all the power in the relationship, you probably saw him or her as your superior – as someone you needed for direction and love. Over-dependence or some traumatic experience put his or her value above yours and made it hard for you to rely on yourself.
And if your parents or guardians were strict during childhood, you probably developed an insecure attachment style and lost the ability to function independently in a romantic relationship.
Whatever the reason for craving the cheater’s attention may be, know that the reason stems from somewhere. You’ll have to figure out why you feel this desire to be with the cheater and do something about it. You can’t deceive yourself by telling yourself that you want to be with the cheater solely because the relationship was good.
If it was way too good, it was that way for a reason. Discover that reason and you’ll know what to work on and how to reduce your urge to reconnect romantically.
If you were in love with this person at the time of cheating, you probably can’t avoid feeling hurt. You have to go through the stages of betrayal, starting with shock, denial, depression, anger, and lastly, acceptance.
It will take a while to come to terms with cheating and feel comfortable in your skin. Healing times vary for each cheatee, but you can probably expect it to take anywhere between a few months to a year or longer. This depends on how supportive the cheater is and how good your coping mechanisms are.
If you had trust issues and your world was turned upside down as a result of cheating, you’ll probably need many months to learn to live with betrayal. It’s hard to say how long you’ll need because some insecure individuals instantly forgive the cheater and take him or her back.
Some cheatees are happy as long as their partner focuses on them and makes them feel important. That doesn’t mean they trust their partner 100%, but that they’re willing to be with their partner and work toward common goals.
If you still want to be with someone who cheated on you, you have the right to do what you think is best. You can forgive the cheater (if the cheater regrets cheating and wants you back) or refuse further cooperation.
Either way, you should try to forgive him or her because doing so will free you from anger and fears and allow you to have a healthy relationship with the cheater or someone else.
Forgiving doesn’t mean you resume the relationship. It simply means letting go of resentment and dealing with any unprocessed emotions. If you decide to give the relationship another chance, you’ll have to be willing to get hurt, take charge of reconciliation, and urge the cheater to change and prove change.
This process will take weeks or longer, depending on the cheater’s levels of regret and commitment to rebuild trust and love. If the cheater isn’t serious about you and doesn’t want to fix things, he or she could use you for friendship, friendship with benefits, or as a person who assuages guilt.
You want to make sure the cheater has learned his or her lessons and that the new relationship won’t fail for the same reasons. You don’t want it to have the same problems and mentality as the previous one. Hence, I advise you not to get back together just because the cheater appears sad and sorry.
Taking the cheater back on a whim will put you at risk of being taken for granted and getting cheated on and abandoned. So take the cheating seriously or the cheater will take it lightly and hurt you again. Consider it a warning from someone who’s seen many cheaters/dumpers come back just to leave again.
Cheaters and people who mess up badly don’t respect those who are willing to do anything just to be with them. They respect people who respect themselves and make it challenging for them to earn their trust back. People who demand change and improvement tell them it’s their way or the highway.
With that said, here’s why you still want to be with someone who cheated on you.
Should I take back someone who cheated on me?
I can’t tell you what to do when it comes to taking back a cheater. I’ve taken a cheater back before and the relationship didn’t improve at all. In fact, it failed because our relationship mentality and behavior remained the same.
We functioned the same way as a couple and broke up when problems overwhelmed us.
Your situation is different from mine, but that doesn’t guarantee the success of your relationship. Cheating doesn’t bring couples closer. It makes them more distant and less committed. If the cheater doesn’t sincerely regret betraying your trust and causing you immense suffering, you shouldn’t be anywhere near him or her.
You should be doing everything you can to accept the unfortunate situation and find love within yourself.
Cheating is a sign of a serious problem. It shows a person has (or had) an unhealthy relationship mentality, poor impulse control, and poor moral values. The cheater will need to change significantly before the relationship can get another chance.
Although a cheater can learn from his or her mistakes and grow, the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” may hold some truth. Cheating may happen again if your ex/partner is more interested in obtaining relationship benefits than fixing the mess he or she has made.
In that case, the cheater will likely get what he or she is after and abandon you.
If I got cheated on today, I would be very skeptical about my partner’s ability and desire to evolve. I’d try to figure out what made her cheat and regret cheating and see if a healthy romantic relationship with her is even possible and worth my time.
I can say this because I look at the situation rationally. But if I felt rejected and unworthy, I’d probably feel extremely tempted to be with her. I’d especially want to be with her if I was financially or emotionally reliant on her for survival and happiness.
Codependence would push me to forgive her for cheating and do what it takes to feel contented.
So bear in mind that you alone decide if you should forgive someone who cheated on you. You know the pros and cons of the relationship and understand how likely your partner is to grow and be the person you need him or her to be.
All I can do is suggest not to take back anyone who will likely take advantage of you and hurt you.
Find out if the person who cheated on you can be trusted and if you want to live with someone who betrayed you and risked losing you forever.
Did you learn why you still want to be with someone who cheated on you? What do you think pulls you toward the cheater? Share your views in the comments section below, and we’ll respond shortly.
And if you want our help with someone who cheated on you, subscribe to private coaching with us.
