Why “Focusing on Yourself” Might Be Killing Your Marriage

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On a wives and mothers page that I am part of, a woman sent in an anonymous message asking the community to advise her on her husband’s unchanging behavior. They had been experiencing recurring issues for years, and he had made absolutely no effort to change for the better. She was fed up and wanted to know what to do.

As I went through the comments, a large number of responses from the women in the group echoed similar sentiments:
“Just focus on yourself.”
“Live your life like he doesn’t exist.”
“Stay for your children, but mentally move on with your life.”
Some even shared their own strategies of how they now feel “free” in their marriages since they stopped caring about their husbands altogether.

In the midst of all these comments, one stood out: “What’s the whole essence of marriage if everyone is focused on themselves?”

That was the one that truly got me thinking.

Back to the Beginning: Why Marriage Was Created

To understand the depth and significance of that question, we have to go back to the origin of marriage in the book of Genesis.

After God created Adam and placed him in the Garden of Eden to tend and keep it, Scripture says:
“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” — Genesis 2:18 (NKJV).

God saw that Adam was alone and lonely. The animals, the garden, and even God Himself, though all beautiful and divine, could not satisfy the need for human companionship. So God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, took one of his ribs, and formed Eve.
“Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.” — Genesis 2:22 (NKJV).

This was how and why the institution of marriage was created: to meet the need for deep, fulfilling companionship.

When Advice Becomes Anti-Marriage

Looking at those earlier comments with this lens exposes the extremity of their advice. That mindset directly contradicts God’s design and purpose for marriage. If the goal of marriage is for two to become one flesh (Genesis 2:24), then throwing companionship out the window and turning inward toward self-focus calls into question whether the marriage even still exists.

So Why Are Women Staying?

One might ask: why are so many women choosing to prioritize themselves instead of seeking reconciliation or even exiting marriages that no longer serve their intended purpose?

Some have chosen to become “married single mothers” not because their marriages are working, but to avoid growing old alone. Ironically, they are already growing old alone, emotionally and relationally. But perhaps having another human, even if non-functional, around serves as a psychological prop, masking the solitude.

Others stay due to societal shame. They’ve seen how women who left their marriages were shunned by family, ridiculed by friends, and mocked on social media. The thought of walking that path is too heavy to bear.

Still others stay because they want their children to grow up in a two-parent home, often oblivious to the emotional tension that arrangement imposes. Some remain due to financial dependence, sexual needs (as odd as it may sound), or religious extremism that teaches absolute non-negotiation on divorce, even in destructive unions.

When the Marriage Is Already Void

Regardless of the reasons, all of them reveal a scary truth: once the heart of marriage (companionship) is lost, and self becomes the priority, the marriage, though not legally dissolved, is already spiritually void.

The only justifiable reason to remain in a marriage is to restore what has been lost — to reignite love, restore trust, and renew companionship. Any other motive is anti-marriage and ultimately unfulfilling.

They Tried. But It Still Didn’t Work.

It’s important to acknowledge that many of these women have tried. They have sought communication, counselling, family intervention, religious counsel, fasting, prayer, even confrontation, yet nothing worked. And I wholeheartedly validate the effort. Their dedication to salvaging the relationship is commendable.

However, staying in a marriage where only one person is growing, or even present, ultimately still invalidates the institution itself.

What to Do When You’ve Done Everything

So what can work, especially when everything else has failed?

Stop fighting and get serious about what you truly want.

Stop begging — it only empowers the other person to remain passive. Many people don’t change because they believe their partners are too weak or too emotionally dependent to walk away.

If you want to see genuine transformation, you must take your power back. This doesn’t mean becoming cold or selfish. It means ceasing the struggle and clearly identifying what you desire: not a housemate, but a companion.
Someone who brings warmth to lonely days.
Someone who listens and laughs with you.
Someone who makes home feel like peace.
Someone whose presence makes your heart grow fonder.

Now That You’re Clear, Get Serious

Once you gain clarity, it’s time to have a real conversation. Express what you need. Talk about how to revive the joy in your union. Yes, your partner may already be emotionally checked out, but if there’s even a sliver of willingness, healing can happen through patient, consistent effort on both ends.

But if your partner remains resistant, it’s time for a line in the sand. Give an ultimatum — not to threaten, but to clarify.

The Choice Must Be Made

“It’s either you recommit to this marriage, or I take a leave.”

This is not abandonment. This is actually a reenactment of your vows.
“…In riches and in poverty, in sickness and in health, till death do us part, I will always choose you.”

The day your partner stood with you and recited those vows, they had a choice. They could have walked away. But they didn’t. They chose you. Now it’s time to ask: Will they still choose you?

Two things will happen when you do this:

1. They will either choose you and you both can rebuild.
2. Or, they will choose themselves, and you’ll finally know where you stand.

The tragedy of avoiding this conversation is that some men end up walking out emotionally and physically without ever officially saying goodbye, leaving their wives stunned and shattered. And that pain is almost irreparable.

Life is about choices.

As you navigate this season, let God be your compass. Take each step prayerfully, with wisdom, courage, and grace.

Whatever the outcome — whether a restored marriage or a redirection to a new chapter — you will have honored God’s heart for companionship and preserved your own heart in the process.