Working on My Road Rage

I have one problem: road rage. I can be an angry and aggressive driver, which sometimes surprises people since I’m generally not an angry and aggressive person in real life. In fact, I present as a very chill person in real life who is known to always keep my cool and composure.

In my daily life, I have the curse of caring a bit too much about what other people think, but while driving, I think I have the curse of not caring at all what other people think for the usual reasons — the anonymity of driving and the fact that I will most likely never see that person again.

When I first started driving, I, like many, was pretty passive. I drove the speed limit and came to a full stop at every stop sign. I distinctly recall my first driving lesson, driving 25 miles per hour in a 35 miles per hour speed limit zone, and the car behind me crossed the double yellow lines to pass me illegally, given they were so frustrated by the speed I was driving. While I lived in the suburb I grew up in, I continued to carefully follow all the rules I learned in driving school.

Over the years, I have lived in Atlanta and Baltimore, which are two cities where drivers can be very aggressive. I learned the hard way that I had to drive differently from how I drove in high school and as a new driver. I had to match the speed of the flow of traffic. I had to shoot one car length gaps when changing lanes or merging or just be sitting in the merge lane way too long. In my visits into New York City, it is a similar crapshoot to get into a lane, especially when entering the George Washington Bridge.

Now, I still stop at every stop sign, but I, like many drivers, do not always drive the speed limit on highways. I have a few speeding tickets from cameras over the last couple of years to prove it. When I applied for the bar to be licensed as an attorney, I pulled my driving record to find these speeding tickets, but was not able to since I had paid the tickets and because they were administrative sanctions, but I have had a few that have hurt the wallet.

I spent the last week vacationing in Orlando with my wife and another family member. I did most of the driving. Once, on a highway, I saw a car stall the whole flow of traffic in the left lane so they could make an exit in the right lane, almost causing an accident to me and two other cars behind them. In my outrage, I voiced several four letter expletives I try not to make a big part of my vocabulary. Since my outrage was understandable, my wife and another family member in the car didn’t say anything.

The next morning, we toured Universal Studios and drove there. There was quite a traffic jam to get into lanes to pay for parking. I grew frustrated again at the impolite and aggressive moves of other drivers, and I was told I have some road rage. It isn’t significant, but it was just briefly mentioned that I exhibit an anger I don’t exhibit in other parts of my life when I drive. I would say my road rage is pretty mild — I say a bad word (or a few) or get upset, but my rage is contained to inside the car and is not translated into action. I don’t do things like tailgate the person who cut me off, honk the horn, or get out of the car to try to confront the other driver. In short, I do nothing that would escalate the situation and cause a dangerous driving environment.

I am not the perfect driver these days, but more often than not, I do let the person who has been waiting a long time to turn go. I do stop for pedestrians at crosswalks to let them cross. I also am usually very polite at letting people merge instead of speeding past them and blocking them from merging.

. . .

There is a pointlessness to my road rage, as the other person can’t hear me anyway, and it is more of an outlet for me to let out my frustration.

In my mind, I drive angrily in situations that would induce anger in any person when I feel a perceived sense of injustice. There are two other common scenarios where I lose my cool while driving. One is when someone changes abruptly into my lane and cuts me off without signaling. This happens in cities, as you can imagine, quite a bit. The other is when people don’t follow stop sign rules. I live at a four way stop sign intersection. I can’t tell you how often people at this intersection run the stop sign, which makes me very upset, but I have learned just not to trust that people will actually stop and err on the side of caution.

But I would like to improve how I respond since I obviously can’t control what other drivers do, and because when my wife and I have kids, I certainly don’t want to normalize these four-letter words.

I still make an effort to be nice while driving when I can. More often than not, I do let the person who has been waiting a long time to turn go. I do stop for pedestrians at crosswalks to let them cross. I also am usually very polite at letting people merge instead of speeding past them and blocking them from merging.

But I do recognize that one reason for road rage is usually being in a rush or hurry a lot of the time. I often cut close when I need to leave, sometimes, to maximize my time at home. Being in a rush means I am creating the conditions for road rage — someone inconveniencing me or cutting me off isn’t just an offense, but can also be a reason for me not making it to an obligation on time. This is completely my fault, because I should just leave earlier and leave the cushion instead of cutting it so close. A big reason I cut it close is, in my mind, to maximize my time and productivity at home and a desire to not spend any more time at work than I necessarily need to. This leads to driving faster than I should because I am in a rush, or needing to make a given light.

Even when time is not of the essence, I often have gotten used to conditions of feeling like I’m in a rush, and want to get places as early as possible instead of sitting around wasting time. Since I have to drive so much more than I did when I was in high school, the added time in the car has likely also led to less patience and a shorter fuse. Many times when we visit my family five hours away or my wife’s family 12 hours away, we drive, so by the third or fourth hour of driving, I recognize that I get more easily frustrated.

I don’t want to be as angry at the behavior of other drivers. I understand that a lot of people get angry while driving, especially when they drive as much in cities as I do. I get that we have to respond to the conditions of how other people drive, but driving is generally a reflection of our character because it’s a reflection of how we act when no one is looking.

Change won’t come by itself. But I will try, by just leaving earlier to get where I need to be, or just turning off the need to be in a rush all the time. Just because the driving of others frustrates me isn’t a reason for me to also lose my cool.

In terms of locus of control, this is something we as individual drivers generally have no control over, and letting go and chilling out behind the wheel will be one more step towards peace and self-control.

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This post was previously published on The Partnered Pen.

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